It’s Okay If You Don’t Contact Your Newborn Right Away.
When I was pregnant with my son, a colleague warned me not to be surprised if I didn’t contact him right away.
“As a child, my son had severe colic,” he told me, and the memory of this cast a shadow on his usually calm expression. “The first six months I didn’t even like him. But now … he’s done well! He’s the coolest kid. “
I was reminded of this by a colleague this week when I stumbled upon this post on the r / Parenting subreddit from the brand new u / youknowjo father, whose daughter was born a week earlier with some (frivolous) complications:
I struggle with my feelings for our girl. I am very neutral about everything. I do not feel happy that I am a father with my loving wife. I also have no feeling of sadness about her complications. Just like looking at a blank sheet of paper for me. It’s a completely numb / neutral feeling. I feel the same as if I was looking at another child in the department.
To be honest, it worries me. I’m upset that I don’t feel happy or attached. To be honest, I would have the same reaction if I was told that she could go home today or come home in 6 months. I really scold myself for this and really don’t know how to fix it and if this is a normal feeling people have.
When it comes to bonding with an infant, it doesn’t always happen right away. Some parents immediately feel strong attachment, but for others it may be a process that they need to work on purposefully. And for dads who are not physically carrying, giving birth or breastfeeding, the connection may be slower.
Child psychologist Dr. Angarad Rudkin tells Netdoctor that lack of affection can lead to tremendous feelings of guilt in young parents:
Connecting with a child can take time – much more than you think – and there are many reasons why it may not happen right away. Childbirth could be long and traumatic. The mother may suffer from depression or anxiety, which can affect her ability to bond. Don’t panic if you are not overwhelmed with love at first. But at the same time, keep in mind that if the situation persists, you need to seek help, and there is no shame in that.
Prime Bonding Time
The best thing to do if you don’t have this feeling of love right away is to find ways to communicate with your newborn during the day (and night).
- Skin-to-skin contact: Squeezing your baby against you, pressing his skin against yours is one of the best ways to start the bonding process.
- Feeding: Look your baby in the eyes while breastfeeding or bottle feeding.
- Discuss it: Babies love to be talked to and smiled at. Tell them everything – the weather, yesterday’s baseball game, the ham sandwich you’re going to make for lunch. It doesn’t matter as long as they hear and respond to your voice.
- Wear them closer: Carrying babies is a great way to keep them physically close to you to stimulate emotional attachment.
- Give a baby massage : This old practice increases baby’s circulation (for her) and reduces stress (for both of you).
Dozens of commenters jumped onto Reddit to reassure you / you know that what he felt was both normal and most likely temporary. Their overwhelming advice was to take the time to do it.
One man, u / ignorance-on-fire, who also had a son who spent time in the intensive care unit, said that taking two-hour daily trips back and forth to the hospital affected him:
I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I could just leave him here and never look back. It was so surreal and heartbreaking. He is the light of my life, and I still regret ever feeling that.
U / mariah_papaya111 spoke the following words of encouragement:
Don’t beat yourself up for this. Having a baby is like dropping a bomb on your life, and you are quite legitimately shell-shocked. Don’t worry, it won’t always be this crazy. Those first six weeks or so (even without health problems!) Is a complete disaster. Happens to everyone. Literally everyone feels this way. Just live for a few more weeks, and then, suddenly, everything will become more or less normal, together you will find a routine and cope with it.
Maybe not everyone literally feels this way, but many people do. And that’s okay. Recognizing this and wanting to change it are the main signs that you are already a good parent.