Let Your Child Scream “I Hate You”
One day when my son was about six years old – and for some reason he was angry with me – he climbed the stairs, shouting, “I don’t like you!” over his shoulder as he walked.
About halfway through, he stopped, turned, and raised: “I NEVER liked you.” And then he went upstairs, interrupting his statement with a powerful slam of the door.
(Yes, his words got me a little bit overwhelmed, but I almost couldn’t help but be impressed by the creativity of his work.)
When your child screams, “I hate you!” (or “You never liked me”) for the first time, this may seem like a total failure. All those sleepless nights they gave you, all this vomiting you cured, all those tantrums you went through, swimming lessons and piano concerts that you went through … they’re not allowed to hate you, right?
“You probably already understand that, but it’s not really about you ,” says Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a Connecticut family psychologist.
“Don’t be alarmed when they say they hate you,” says Greenberg, author of Teens as a Second Language: A Parent’s Guide to Becoming Bilingual . “At that moment, it was not about the parents; it’s about the baby. It’s more about how he feels than what he thinks about you. “
And the fact that your child feels like they can tell you this is actually a sign that they feel emotionally safe with you.
“My biggest concern is children of all ages who are indifferent to their parents,” says Greenberg. “If they yell at you, then they are still very connected to you.”
So, Greenberg’s best advice on how to deal with a kid who screams hate for you? Let them talk. Remain calm, don’t yell back, or make them feel guilty about hurting your feelings. And “definitely don’t push him into the room when he’s in what I call“ hot, ”she says.
If they leave you, give them a chance. Once they are calm and relaxed, you can talk to them about their feelings. If they are yelling at you and waiting for an answer, respond as neutral as possible, for example, “I can see that you are very upset. I’m here for you when you want to talk. “
In Psychology Today, parenting expert and family therapist Mary Wallace advises remembering to focus on the child’s anger rather than seemingly personal attacks:
Connect his anger to the root cause by telling him the story of what happened. For example, you might say, “I said you can’t go to sleep tonight and you got pissed off.”
Teach her the phrase you want her to use. You can tell her, “When you are angry, say,” I am angry, “and I will help you.”