How to Date After Divorce
In a past life, I was one of those women who tried to comment on online dating articles with the words “Wow. Sounds awful. I’m so glad I found a partner at 19 and got married at 25! ”These comments were accompanied by an expression of insane complacency that usually occurs in a young woman who is just beginning to suspect that she has made a mistake.
In a twist that isn’t really twisty at all, but a predictable, linear part of my life story, I’m now divorced and that’s awesome.
But it wasn’t always cool, and I had to unlearn a lot of bad things before it started. Divorce is often formalized in two different ways: great tragedy or great triumph. Either you couldn’t get something to work (and fail!), Or you escaped from a bad situation (and you’re a strong hero!), But the truth is, it’s often somewhere in between. Regardless of how the mutual decision to divorce was, part of it will be terrible, but dating after a divorce shouldn’t be so bad.
Being married is a bit like being in a time capsule, and a successful date after a divorce is less about working with apps than creating an inner shift in your relationship to relationships, romance, and sex. Like everything else, divorce is different for everyone, but there are some strategies that I think every divorced person can use so that post-marriage dating isn’t horrible – maybe even funny.
Learn to appreciate emptiness
“Being lonely” is actually overcoming the muscle memory of being physically close to another person for most of the day or night. As someone who worked from home and was married to someone who also worked from home, I can tell you that it takes a little bit of unlearning to do this, but it can be done. Your first impulse may be to fill this physical void with a string of dates or casual sex – I hesitate to use the phrase “meaningless sex” because even the most casual, non-committal sex can have meaning and serve a purpose – but you have to end up feel comfortable being in a room without the presence of another person.
Spoiler alert: the rules of loneliness. If you find this hard to believe, consider how you would feel when your spouse left town. Have you missed them from the moment they left until the moment they returned? Probably no. Chances are, you ate whatever you wanted, watched whatever you wanted, and spent more time with your friends without worrying about coordinating with your significant other (which, frankly, is very strange to call a partner). Try to remember and feel that joy, and then reinforce it by doing what your ex-partner prevented you from doing. I’m not necessarily talking about drinking every night or having sex with strangers (although you could), I’m talking about hanging that picture she hated, or inviting that friend he never got along with. I’m talking about playing Hank Williams as loud as you want and never listening to Tool again.
Date outside your “type”
Perhaps your ex was the perfect picture of what attracts you, but it is also possible that you are just thinking about it because it is what you knew, what you were used to and what you fell in love with. There are many wonderful people of all shapes in the world, and now is the time to meet them. Also, take the time to explore what can be forced heterosexuality and / or monogamy, especially if any of these have been a source of suffering, anxiety, or tension in your recently dissolved marriage. The worst thing that can happen is if you try something and it doesn’t work, but then you learn something about yourself that is never bad.
Love interests are not spouses
Married people show care and love for each other without even realizing that they are considerate and loving, and this is one of the beautiful features of marriage. By getting a divorce, you are effectively losing a family member, and suddenly there is one less person in your corner. Not only is there one less person taking care of you, but you have one less person to take care of. If you were a more caring partner, you might find a buildup of caregiver-type energy that calls out to the home. You may find yourself doing emotional labor for people who don’t want and don’t deserve it, or expecting an inappropriate amount of emotional labor from someone you’ve only been on a few dates with, just out of habit. It’s not ideal, and it can be helpful to think of these new love interests as friends . For example, if you’re thinking of doing something for someone you’ve only dated three times, ask yourself if you’d do the same for a new platonic friend you’ve only dated three times. … If not, maybe don’t do it.
Talk about it a lot
Go to therapy, champion. You just went through a major trauma, and while I’m sure all of your friends are a bunch of great, very responsive listeners, they are not therapists and may not have the resources or bandwidth to help you deal with it effectively. regardless of their intentions.
In addition, depending on how dysfunctional your previous relationship was or became, you may not have the healthiest romantic behaviors, and the therapist can help you identify these so you can treat new potential partners the way they deserve. to treat them as well as to identify them. when you are treated in a way you don’t deserve. What you used to think is “normal” may not be acceptable, but you will never know unless you research the past.
The only person you shouldn’t talk about when divorcing is, of course, the person you are dating. Obviously, be honest about your divorce (or divorce), but don’t turn your date into a Tinder therapy session and resist the urge to tell heartbreaking stories, even if they might be extremely interesting. Your divorce may not be the most interesting to you, and you should not talk about it the way it is.
Enjoy the lack of a schedule
Some people are very anxious to “find one” to “settle down.” Great news: you’ve already done it. Cross it off your list and look for new experiences. It can be wonderful to be married, but it is not a vacation spot and has never been a vacation spot, and treating state-sanctioned relationships as a kind of fabulous “finale” does not help anyone. You may or may not remarry, but neither should affect your self-esteem. You may not believe it now, but a failed marriage is not a cause for guilt, and you don’t need to explain your divorce to anyone (other than a therapist, perhaps for therapeutic purposes). You’ve tried it, you’ve tried your best, and – like everyone else just trying to get the hell out of it – you deserve to be happy again, and maybe dating a few fun people will help you with that.