How to Help Your Teen Get Through Their First Breakup
Teenage love can be sweet, pervasive, and intense. This is also probably temporary. Of course, there is a chance that your child’s first love can become his eternal love. But probably not.
This is why the first time your child tells you that he is in a serious relationship, you may immediately start worrying about what seems like an imminent breakup.
Before the break
Not that we want to start planning for our child’s grief, even if he is still blissfully happy, but there are actually several things parents can do to minimize some of the damage, says Dr. Barbara Greenberg , adolescent and family psychologist. in Connecticut.
First, limit the amount of time your child spends with their new soul mate. This does not mean strict rules about the number of hours they can spend per week, or no dating at all. “You don’t want to do something like Romeo and Juliet,” says Greenberg, author of Teen as a Second Language: A Parent’s Guide to Achieving Bilingualism . “Instead, you want to restrict your child by forcing him to do other things; it’s a more subtle approach. “
Second, place restrictions on their use on social media. Admittedly, it’s easier for, say, a 13-year-old than a 17-year-old, but as far as you can, limit the amount of communication your teens can have in their new relationship so that it doesn’t become constant or intrusive.
Be a good listener after the breakup.
The best thing you can do for your child after a breakup is to listen. “We know teenagers will stop talking if they are interrupted, and as soon as they start talking about something so vulnerable, just listen, listen, listen,” says Greenberg. “Even if you really want to say something that will correct the situation, even if it kills you (silence).”
While you’re busy listening, remember to stay calm as well. If your child’s heart is breaking, then so is yours. But don’t let yourself get caught up in an emotional reaction, even if it means pretending. You need to be a rock.
“As soon as the parent gets emotional, the child stops talking too,” says Greenberg. “The child gets a message that I cannot handle it as a parent, so how can they handle it as a child?”
Don’t belittle it – and don’t talk about yourself
Even if you know that the other child did not have a good influence on you, even if you clearly understood that nothing would come of it, even if the relationship lasted all six days, do not underestimate it.
“There is a tendency to play down and say, ‘Look, you’re only 14 years old, you’ll forget about him,’ says Greenberg. “Do not do this. This will nullify. “
In the end, do not you remember that feeling when parted with her first love? How did you feel that you would never get well and most likely never meet such love again? But also, how are you looking back now, grateful for dodging that bullet, or at least now getting to know it because of the immature puppy love that was?
Yes, don’t tell them that either.
“Don’t steal it,” Greenberg says. “Children will stop talking to you if you tell about yourself.”
Spend time with them
You do not need to spend hours analyzing all the nuances of the relationship and their subsequent disappearance. In fact, says Greenberg, you can’t. Talking too much about it can be overwhelming and useless.
“Too much thinking or talking about a negative event is not good,” she says. “You kind of have to dose yourself. So you want to talk to your child about it, but there must also be a limit. “
But you have to spend time with them. Help them stay busy and distracted, and be very available to them in case there is a moment when they want or need to talk about it.
“Many teens find their parents unavailable because they often use their phones or computers,” says Greenberg. “But parents often don’t see themselves as such.”
Advise them (carefully)
Encourage them to do more of the uplifting things they enjoyed prior to starting the relationship, be it being physically active, listening to music, or hanging out with friends.
“Distraction, return to life and time are three of the best healers,” says Greenberg.
Plus – and it won’t be easy – get them to unsubscribe from their ex on social media.
“I had one (patient) who got so out of shape because she kept going to her ex-boyfriend’s Instagram account,” Greenberg says. “She saw the pictures he posted with other girls and she was obsessed with whether these girls were new friends.”
And in addition to trying to convince your child that an ex’s daily social activity journal is not the best way to heal, you can also encourage him to ask his friends to minimize gossip.
“Gently tell them not to ask their friends about their ex,” Greenberg says. “Because they get upset when they hear about their ex. We can teach them that we have the right to tell people, “Don’t tell me this; it’s useless “.
What should n’t you be advised? So that they immediately start dating someone new.
“You will be surprised,” she says. “I’ve seen my parents say, ‘What about him, he’s cute.’
Watch for signs that they may need extra help
Breaking up is a hard and sad thing to go through, but it doesn’t have to be endlessly emotionally exhausting.
Consider getting professional help for your child if the pain lasts too long, it starts to become obsessive, or there is a change in their level of functioning, such as being unable to get out of bed in the morning or not finding pleasure in doing things. they loved.
“As parents, we want us to be able to absorb the pain of our children,” says Greenberg. “But it’s okay for kids if they get a little upset. If it gets overwhelming and starts to interfere with their social life and study, it’s a different color horse. “