How to Survive When Friends Broke up With Each Other

Late one night last year, I was sitting in my apartment and working when my phone rang. It was my close friend Alex *. Alex was dating one of my good friends, Sonya, and she brought him to Michigan to meet her family. I decided that they were together and wanted to say hello, but I was immersed in what I was doing and ignored the call.

As soon as the missed call was registered in my phone, the screen lit up again – this time it was Sonya. “They must really love me,” I gloated to myself and decided to answer. I was busy, but again, I was the reason they got to know each other. Could I take a moment to pamper my friends, who probably just wanted to shower me with heartfelt thanks for introducing them?

I didn’t have to answer. It turns out things didn’t go well in Michigan and the two decided to go their separate ways. Then a few days happened as both sides answered furious calls, each seeking confirmation that the other was a goblin pig. I felt dumbfounded and, moreover, did not know what to say so that the situation would not worsen. After several days of talking, I finally told each of them that I could no longer talk to them about the other person; that I would be more than happy to talk about potting soil, car parts, or our favorite measuring cup sizes, but not another person .

There are many circumstances in which you can find yourself in the midst of a breakup. Perhaps, as in my case, you all belonged to the same group of friends, and two members of that group started dating. Another possible situation is that your friend starts dating someone you end up getting close to – after all, part of a good relationship involves your significant other in your social life.

The final scenario is what happened to John, whose friend Scott was dating a woman named Jen. Scott and Jen dated for about three years, during which time John and Jen became friends. But when Scott and Jen’s relationship eventually fell apart, John said he intended to remain friends with Jen. “I can’t just give up the friendship I made with someone because of the friend I knew first,” he explained.

Parting is hard for everyone, including third parties trapped in the middle. However, there are steps you can take to keep everyone safe.

Don’t feel obligated to take sides.

After the break, it may appear that the battle lines are being drawn. But assuming no one has been seriously wronged, your friends need to be mature enough so that they don’t expect your choice, ”said Shula Melamed, relationship and wellness coach. If both sides use you as a sound board, it is important to draw your own conclusions about the situation and be careful when it comes to commitment to one side or the other. After all, being friends with someone is very different from being with them, and there are undoubtedly aspects of your friends’ personality that you don’t know anything about.

“When you are in an emotional relationship, in a sexual relationship, in an intimate relationship with another person, it can really activate other parts of your psychological profile,” Melamed said. “That, as a friend, you can never see for yourself, because you are not launching that person the same way an intimate partner does.”

Another important component of maintaining friendship with both parties is transparency, said Elaine Swann, an etiquette expert and founder of The Swann School of Protocol. She suggests starting by asking each friend how they feel about the fact that you intend to keep in touch with their current ex.

“Maybe this person is saying, ‘Well, I know you’ve known [the other person] since childhood, and that’s fine with me, but I just don’t want to hear his name, ever,” she said. Knowing what the other person thinks about you keeping up with their ex can help you determine what you should and shouldn’t talk about in the future.

Be clear about boundaries

Getting trapped in the middle of a rift is difficult, but how this happens depends on how communicative and mature people choose to be in the rift. Ideally, neither side will try to get information from you about the other, but even if they don’t, you should set limits on who you are and what you don’t want to talk about.

“The rule I hold for myself is that I try to share my relationship with both people, so I’m not going to talk about one person to another or vice versa,” John said. “I don’t want to get involved in this showdown of old wounds.”

To avoid pumping information or accusations, Melamed suggests returning the conversation to the person you are talking to.

“Ask them what they did to take care of themselves throughout the entire process – how do they deal with it? How are they? Just gently bring the conversation back to their own process. “Breakups are incredibly painful, but they can also be a time of great self-discovery. Offer to sign up for classes or do something with your friend – whatever to help him move forward in his life and leave the past behind. where it belongs.

If your friends make unreasonable requests, such as trying to prevent you from being friends with their ex, Swann recommends taking some time and space. In particular, if the breakup is very recent, people may say and do things that they may not necessarily have in mind when the initial rudeness wears off. However, if one side has done something terrible to the other, it’s worth considering whether you want that person in your life at all. “The birds flock to the flock,” notes Swann. If someone is cheating or insulting, do you really want that person to be a friend? “Be sure to take an inventory,” she said.

Don’t say things you don’t want to repeat to another friend.

The truest phrase Jerry Seinfeld ever uttered was, “Elaine, breaking up is like hitting a Coca-Cola car.” You cannot do it with one click. You have to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it will stop working. “

When it comes to friendly splits, very few manage to break completely on the first try. This threshold stage is one that you, as a friend, should be especially wary of. This is what Katie experienced firsthand after the breakup of her friends Eliza and Ryan. All three were part of the same group of friends in college, but after a year of dating, they decided to end the relationship. But was it really that simple? Of course not.

“The thing is, it was complicated by the fact that you have two very nice people, but they still randomly bond,” she said. “It wasn’t a clean break because all this sex was going on.” Since it was college, neither side could effectively talk about what sex meant: Eliza was convinced that an ongoing relationship meant they would be together again. Ryan didn’t think about it.

“Eliza came to me a lot and was upset, so I listened to her a lot, and I was really starting to get annoyed with Ryan because he let it go on,” Katie said.

While the crap in this scenario could provide temporary catharsis, it’s a good thing Katy didn’t. Because it’s a surprise! A year later, Ryan and Eliza got back together; they eventually got married and had two children. “They are really happy together,” Katie confirmed.

In such a situation, Melamed believes that the safest option is not to say that you would be uncomfortable when the other person hears. “Think twice about what you are saying,” she said, “because you don’t want to say something that you can never get back when they’re back together.”

When to keep your mouth shut and when not

If you don’t spend a lot of time strategically sparing your friends’ feelings, you will likely end up missing out on something that will get on your nerves. At some point after Scott and Jen broke up, John recalls telling Jen about a weekend trip that he and several people, including Scott, went on together. “It’s a little weird that I hear about the trip I would take if Scott and I were together,” Jen told him later.

Jen’s comment made John realize that even something as seemingly harmless as talking about a fun weekend can sting, even if it wasn’t his intention. “I try to deliberately not rub someone in the face that they clearly cannot participate in the group activities they would otherwise have,” he said.

Katie said her rule of thumb is to be aware of her friends’ feelings, but not to overdo it, trying to avoid talking about the other person. When it comes to whether one person is making progress, “I try not to bring this up because it just isn’t worth the headache,” she said.

While there is definitely no need to mention every date a former friend has, you also don’t want him to be the last to know if they’re connected with anyone else, Melamed said, since “you don’t need that person. feel like a fool. ” Being a messenger of hurtful information is never fun, but speaking bluntly and missing out on unnecessary details, you can hope that the trauma will dull. “Be careful with the information, but don’t lie to them,” she added. Sometimes being a good friend means telling someone you don’t want to. It sucks, but so does the breakups. Be honest and mature, and don’t worry: the three of you can handle it.

* Some names have been changed to protect anonymity.