Teach Your Children Sexual Competence
Do we want to talk to children about sex? No.
Are our children going to have sex, whether we talk to them about it or not? At some point – we have to assume – yes.
But the big question is, when they have sex, will we do everything in our power as parents to help them feel ready in terms of protection, consent, safety and time? A new study in the UK, published in the BMJ Sexual and Reproductive Health journal , found that significant numbers of young people “transition to sexual activity in circumstances that are incompatible with positive sexual health.”
While not entirely surprising, the survey questions can help parents choose specific topics to address when they talk to our children about sex and relationships. Rather than just looking at the age of a person’s first sexual experience, the researchers looked at what they called “sexual competence”:
The concept of “sexual competence” is an alternative approach to determining the timing of first intercourse, taking into account the contextual attributes of the event, rather than simply age at the time of onset. This departs from the traditional view of any sexual activity in adolescents as problematic and recognizes that young age in itself does not threaten sexual health, nor does older age protect it.
Studying sexual competence meant asking questions related to:
- Has a reliable method of contraception been used?
- Were both partners equally prepared.
- Whether the decision to have sex was autonomous (not due to external factors such as peer pressure or drunkenness).
- Did the respondent feel that their first experience of intercourse occurred at the “right” time.
By their definition, of the more than 15,000 young people aged 17 to 24 that were studied, the researchers found that more than half of women and more than a third of men were not “sexually competent” at first intercourse.
It is good to talk to our children about contraception, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Better yet, add to conversations about consent. But diving even deeper into not only consent but also autonomy, and waiting for a time that feels “right,” is also a way to empower adolescents to make better decisions about their sexual activity.
The NHS recommends encouraging young people to ask themselves the following questions when they are about to have sex:
- Does this seem correct?
- Do I love my partner?
- Does he love me as much?
- Have we discussed the use of condoms to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and was the conversation acceptable?
- Do we have contraception for pregnancy?
- Can I say no at any time if I change my mind, and do we agree with that?
- Do I feel pressure from someone, such as a partner or friends?
- Can I regret something later?
- Do I think about sex to impress or keep up with my friends?
- Am I thinking about sex just to keep my partner?
Specifically, the study found that for young women, discussing sex with their parents or learning about sex issues in school increases their “sexual competence” and can “provide the knowledge and skills necessary to achieve positive and safe sexual experiences. “