Do You Want to Raise Sensitive Children? Show Them How It’s Done
Last night my son asked me what I was going to write about today. I just read an article in the New York Times about how parents can raise empathetic children, and it really hit me. As a parent, I desperately want to raise my son to be someone who will rise up when others are in need, but can I influence that?
“I’m going to write about how parents can help their children become empathetic,” I said. “Do you know what this word means?”
He didn’t, so I explained that when you have empathy, you can understand and take care of how someone else is feeling. “This is what makes people help each other,” I explained.
“Ooooo, will you write about me? I sympathize, ”he said.
This is a child who, at the age of 8, just joined the “junior council” of a non-profit organization that fulfills wishes for children in foster care . Last week, on a school night, we drove three hours back and forth so he could attend his first “meeting.” He and his fellow board members decorated the stockings and packaged treats for a Christmas party organized to bring together siblings who were split up in the system.
He also spent a significant portion of his money last week to fulfill the wishes of a child in foster care, as well as donate toys to his school’s toy park.
He has always been a sensitive child who, naturally, feels everything very deeply. But I have also made regular charity practice my top priority in our home.
We were adoptive parents, so my son saw firsthand the trauma these kids are getting. He bought toys with me for children in need every year of his life. He puts money in the Salvation Army’s red bucket, he carries canned food to the grocery store, he looks through his toys to donate things he no longer plays.
But still I wondered: are you born with an empathetic character, or is this a learned behavior? As with so many other aspects of parenting, I throw a bunch of things at the wall and hope some of them catch on.
It turns out that a sensitive person is a combination of nature and upbringing . We have some kind of influence on this.
Research by Dr. (Helen) Riess and her team has shown that each of us is born with a certain number of neurons that are involved in empathic responses. But whether this ability to take proper care of others is realized or undermined is largely determined by the experience of early life, starting at birth and continuing throughout childhood.
How, then, can you instill in your child a healthy degree of empathy? “Empathy is a mutable trait that can be taught,” Dr. Riess told me. “We are all born with a certain gift, but it can rise or fall sharply depending on environmental factors,” – especially, she said, using examples provided by the child’s guardians.
This doesn’t mean you have to run away and become foster parents (although it’s great if you do!). You can start by simply acknowledging your child’s emotions by showing concern and modeling helpful behaviors in your community.
It can be as simple as having lunch with a sick neighbor, or asking your child to get a patch when a friend or brother scratches his knee, ”says Dr. Riess, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of The Compassion Effect . The book provides guidelines for modeling empathy at every stage of your child’s development.
Dr. Riess suggested that with older children, parents could take them to help in the cafeteria or visit a nursing home. “It’s never too late to teach a child to appreciate the feelings of others more,” she wrote.
It is equally important that parents show empathy for their own children by acknowledging their concerns and feelings and realizing their need for safety. For example, she said, “When a child is afraid of a dog, instead of saying,“ Don’t be afraid, he won’t bite you, ”say,“ Are you afraid of a dog? What scares you? ‘ This confirms the child’s fears, not denies them. “
However, Dr. Riess also warns against taking it too far:
Parents should not be overreacting by being intolerant of “the one second of unhappiness in their child’s life,” or this mistaken compassion will deprive the child of the ability to develop the firmness, perseverance, and resilience that are essential to a successful life.
I understand that this means more caring, less babysitting.