How Not to Raise a Bully
Yesterday I wrote a story about how to help your sons cope with a “mean guy” relationship . It got me thinking: there are a lot of hooligans hanging around. How can you make sure your child is not one of them?
Don’t believe your child is incapable of bullying.
Your child is absolutely capable of bullying, even if you don’t think so, according to family therapist Jennifer Cannon, who discussed the issue with Parents.com .
“Ninety-nine percent of parents will say ‘No way, not my child’ and will defend themselves,” says Jennifer Cannon. “But any child can be intimidating, even a child you think is an angel.”
This view was echoed by our Offspring Facebook Group , in which one member mentioned, “I can shamefully say that despite being bullied as a child and teenager, I have engaged in bullying myself, and I can pretty much guarantee that my parents they would say that I was not the kind of guy who would do it. “
So why did he do it? To make the girl he was in love with laugh. Children really want to fit in and be liked, and that desire can lead them to bully – or at least agree with the bullying behavior of another child.
Model non-bullying behavior in your life
Children mimic what they see, and if they see you ordering a store clerk around, a barking fan of an opposing football team, or a mocking brother-in-law of yours at family dinners, they will think this is an acceptable way to relate to others. Do not do this.
Or, if you’re not acting like a jerk yourself, note the aggressive behavior you see around you. When your uncle is rude to a waiter in a restaurant, tell him to stop and apologize to the waiter on behalf of your table. Don’t tell your kids that bullying is not okay; Show them what you mean and model what it looks like to stand up for others.
Spend time with them
Children are often bullied because they crave attention, even if it is the negative variety. Children who are neglected or otherwise overlooked in one area of their lives can act in other areas. Make it a priority to develop your relationship by spending regular one-on-one time with them.
Also, surround them with other good adult role models and provide opportunities for building quality friendships that will make them feel supported and safe.
If they are intimidating …
Children make mistakes. Maybe they mimic behavior that they have seen in others; maybe they themselves are being bullied; maybe they were just having a bad day. They can learn from this and, with your help, stop bullying. Try this tip from Parents.com :
Sit down with your child, speak in a calm, firm tone and ask him what happened and why he was behaving in a certain way. Be a good listener and avoid accusations. Children need to understand that it’s okay to admit their mistake. Ask questions to help him understand how his behavior affects others: “Is what you did respectful? Was anyone hurt? Would you like someone to do this to you? “
Emphasize fair treatment of all people by saying, “We do not behave this way in this family because we respect other people and we don’t want other people to treat us that way,” says Walter Roberts, professor adviser to education from the University of Minnesota, Mankato and author of Working With Parents of Bullies and Victims .