Help Your Sons Build Relationships With the “bad Guy”
When we think about how our children might face conflict with their peers, we may tend to assume that our sons ‘conflict is more likely to be physical, while our daughters’ conflict will be more mental and emotional.
There are schoolyard bullies who control the dynamics of change, the cafeteria, and the hallway, shoving meek boys into lockers or brutally beating them for no good reason. And then there are Mean Girls who rule the female social hierarchy by spreading rumors about girls they don’t like, excluding them from activities, or belittling them on social media.
But boys can suffer the same “relationship aggression” as girls, according to Katie Hurley, child and adolescent psychotherapist and parenting educator and author of No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls. “ . “
Hurley tells the Washington Post that interpersonal aggression is “a form of intimidation that involves exclusion and manipulation, not overt or physical attacks.” And this is more common among boys than we might imagine.
Relational aggression is a non-physical, covert form of bullying used to damage another child’s reputation or harm and manipulate that child’s relationship with others. It includes a pattern of behavior (not a single incident) and an imbalance of power between perpetrator and victim.
* Relational aggression can include:
* Gossip and rumors
* Violent comments
* Social isolation
* Sarcasm with the intent to harm another person
* Repeatedly ignoring one child
* Manipulations such as seeking personal information from the victim and sharing it with others
* Cyberbullying
Boys often feel compelled to deal with relationship problems on their own or acquire thicker skin. But boys also crave close friendships and bonding , and the “mean boy” behavior can cause anxiety, loneliness, depression, and changes in sleeping and eating habits.
Hurley says parents who notice these changes can help their sons (and daughters) navigate toxic relationships in order to express their emotions, reduce stress, learn assertiveness, and build a strong support network.
Many children struggle to leave negative friendships behind because they feel like failures. Help your son create a friendship card to remember all the places he has friends (school, sports, other activities). Talk about the positive friendships on the card and how he feels when he is with these children. Teach him to distinguish these interactions from more negative ones, and give him the opportunity to move away from unhealthy relationships.
Remember to encourage them to show empathy for other boys who might be bullied in the relationship. As school psychologist Ricky Stackem told the Washington Post , it’s also important to help them learn the boundaries of their friends:
“Boys love to make fun of, friendly insults and idle talk, and this is really at the root of many problems with boys because there are different levels of tolerance for sarcasm,” says Stakem. “If a boy sees someone with a black eye and says, ‘You have a ruined face,’ that child’s feelings may be hurt, even if the first child isn’t trying to be mean.” Explain that if a friend looks upset or stops communicating, it’s time to step back.