How a Soft Animal Can Help Children Grieve
When my father died suddenly six years ago, I was not prepared for the waves of grief that swept over me after his death. In the midst of funeral preparations, I made decisions about flowers, services, and gravestones as if in a fog. It was all I could do to keep them together as we went through the painful farewell process.
Although my grief was heavy and it was difficult for me to cope with it, I had to somehow help my children, who were then 7 and 9 years old, with the loss of their grandfather. Death is a difficult concept for adults to understand, let alone young children. I quickly realized that my children’s questions were more about the specific aspects of death: they wanted to know where the funeral home was keeping my father and why we had to wear fashionable clothes after a sudden flight across the country.
My young daughter was surprised to learn that we weren’t really the ones who took on the hard work of digging my father’s grave. “But, mommy, you keep saying that we are burying him. Don’t I need a shovel and a bucket? She asked seriously. At that moment, I realized that children perceive death differently than adults.
I needed to find a way to help them connect the dots, an age appropriate way, so that they feel connected to their grandfather when they grieved.
On the advice of a friend, I took the kids to Target and told them that we were there to buy three of the same teddy bears. “Why three?” they asked. “One for each of you. And one more for Poppy, ”I explained.
Both children stood in the aisle and carefully selected three teddy bears, testing the softness and “hug factor” as my son said.
I explained to the children that these bears will now be their “Poppy Bears” and that we will also put one in my father’s coffin. Since the bears were the same, my children had a specific reminder that they are in fact still connected to my father, even if he was not physically here with us. And because my daughter was worried that my father was afraid of the dark, I told her that his teddy bear would help him feel safe.
As she hugged her new teddy bear, she shared the first real smile I saw after my father died.
During and after the funeral, both children held their bears tightly. That night, my son slept with his under his pillow and they both kept their bears nearby while we tied ends at my parents’ house.
Several months after their father’s death, my children used their toy poppies in different ways when they miss their father. My daughter’s teacher allowed her to keep the bear hidden at the table so that she could touch it when she was sad. My son buried it in the bottom of his backpack, hidden from friends, but still there.
And in those days when we all missed him more than we could bear, the bears reminded us to hug each other and remember.
On the anniversary of my father’s death, we took the children to pay tribute to his grave. Unbeknownst to me, my son took his bear with him and asked to be at my father’s grave for a few minutes. As I stepped out of earshot to give him a little privacy, I looked back and saw my son sitting on the ground, using his teddy bear to talk animatedly to the tombstone.
These teddy bears were a godsend in the shocking days after my father’s death, and even six years later, my kids still keep their teddy poppies prominently in their bedrooms. They are teenagers now, and on the days when I collect their linen or grumble about their unmade beds, I catch a glimpse of one of the plush toys and smile.