Navigating When Parting With a Friend Is Like a Romantic Parting
Like romantic relationships, friendships can end. We tend to view the loss of a friend as a simple outbreak, but these breakups are often just as painful. Let’s begin to show our parting friendships with the respect they deserve.
In some ways, they are more difficult to navigate than the loss of a romantic partner, because we have very few cultural examples of how to deal with breaking a friendship. Karlie Breit interviewed a clinical therapist named Miriam Kirmeier and psychotherapist Marnie Feuerman about the topic for Time .
Kirmeier specializes in friendship between young people and adults, and believes that one of the reasons the end of a friendship is so hard is that we “expect friendship to be easy for adults.” They are not! But there are many good reasons for this, and a few things you can do to lessen the pain – and perhaps even change the way we treat friendship culturally.
“Talk”
If you feel like a friend is slipping away, you may need to talk while mirroring the conversation about your breakup with your romantic partner. We tend to think that friendship ends because of some kind of huge betrayal, says Kirmayer, but in reality you are probably just drifting apart as humans. This makes it difficult to determine when to discuss the state of your relationship, or even if you need to. Sometimes you just let him die. It still sucks.
“It can create situations in which we can feel pain,” says Kirmeier. “Whether it’s handled inappropriately or simply because it’s unexpected, we really don’t know what [friendship breaks] are supposed to look like.”
It might seem like a confrontation with someone you’ve broken up from is not worth it, but this conversation suggests an important thing that a romantic breakup does: ending the relationship. You can find a much less confusing and open-ended question if you discuss what’s going on, even if it’s embarrassing.
For example, you can solve the problem of the distance that has grown between you, say that you feel like you need to take a break from making plans, or even say that your relationship has become unhealthy, if so. It can be difficult, but then at least both of you will know where you are.
Set parameters for the future
This breakup conversation also sometimes includes deciding how you will communicate with each other in the future. You may never see each other again, but let’s face it. It’s a small world. It’s better to know how you will interact if you bump into each other.
“Many people don’t understand what it means to break a friendship,” Feyerman explains. “Are you still planning to communicate in certain contexts? Are you ready to meet in a group if you have mutual friends? “
Feuerman actually recommends setting certain parameters for starting friendships so that you know what you expect from each other. She admits that it is difficult and extremely rare. People are afraid to talk about their needs and be rejected:
Instead, a friend who does not believe his needs are being met may remain silent. According to Feuerman, this person may be aware that the friendship is not working and is more inclined to let it end naturally. And this lack of communication can also hurt another friend, as he can only wonder what they did wrong.
Instead of making a friendly contract with someone, just try to remind yourself that you need to be respectful when someone upsets or insults you, and listen to them when they complain about your behavior. This may be enough to prevent future rupture.
Let go of the shame
Since we don’t talk much about it, people tend to feel ashamed and isolated towards the end of their friendship. That must mean that one of you is bad or did something wrong, right? No. Sometimes friendships just don’t work, and that doesn’t say anything about the people involved. They just don’t fit together, and that’s okay. If you can get rid of this feeling, talk about it openly. It will help everyone around.
“People think they have to figure it out, and they think everyone else figured it out,” says Kirmeier. “They feel like they are doing something wrong when they break up.”
We are not surprised when a romantic relationship ends. There should be no pressure to assume that all friends are best friends.
Feel your sorrow
When we don’t talk about breaking up friends, we leave no room for sadness over separation from someone who made a big difference in our lives. Even if it was ultimately a bad relationship, that person meant something to you and it hurts to lose him.
“You really get through with this for a while, and that’s okay,” says Feuerman. “If you feel like you can’t change a toxic friendship situation, you can mourn it, move on, and find relationships that are much more satisfying.”
You don’t have to pretend that you have stopped doing this or that someone else will come to replace them immediately. Be honest about how you feel and relate to it. It’s okay to miss someone even if they no longer have a place in your life.