Make a Plan for Your Child’s Disruption After School
My daughter recently started kindergarten and for the first couple of weeks at school I was an eager mom waiting to pick her up at the end of the day and hear all about her new adventures. I walked into the classroom, held out my hands and said, “Hello lady!” and then wait for her to run away and hug me as she often did when she was in preschool.
Instead, she looked up, fell down and dragged her legs towards her backpack. On the way home, things will only go downhill. “So …” – I said, smiling at her in the rearview mirror. “How was your day?” She grunted. Then she whined about something (usually how much she wants to watch the show on her iPad, and why, why, why don’t I let her?) And we started arguing. By the time we get home, it will be inflated and I will be counting down the minutes to bed.
I’ve always heard about out-of-school breakdowns, but now I can personally attest: yes, there are. In fact, they are so prevalent that psychotherapist Andrea Nair invented the phenomenon of “collapse of restraint after class.” When kids are forced to keep it together for such a long period of time, sitting criss-cross in applesauce, waiting in line and following the social norms of the day, as soon as they have a chance to break, they do it. (For better or worse, you are a safe place for them to pass out.) They may cry, protest, or simply appear fragile.
It may have something to do with school, but it often isn’t. My daughter loves kindergarten and usually talks about it nonstop – about how her teacher says funny things and how she became a flag mate and how she guessed the correct number of Merry Ranchers in the appraisal basket. It was a lag period from about 5 pm to 6 pm. And fighting this only made the situation worse.
I found this planning helped. Expecting collapse – even welcoming it. It was the only way for us to get to the other side. Here are some ways to support your kids in their terrible daily transitions.
First, take it easy
If you’ve just finished a long day at work, chances are you are ready for the collapse of your self-restraint. Give yourself five minutes to breathe and refocus before picking up the kids from school. You can take a walk around the block, do a guided meditation, or write down a few things you are grateful for – anything that will help you be more present for the next few hours. When you are with your children, put your phone away and say, “I’m glad to see you!” ( not “How was your day?” ) and then listen to what they might need. Usually it is silence and space to just be .
Feed them
Whether they finished their lunch that day or not, the children go hungry after school. I learned to come armed with a muesli bar or a banana, and on over-achievement days, a smoothie. This helps to lighten the hanger. If it fits your schedule, you can even try feeding your baby dinner at 3:00 pm . This sounds extreme, but there are many reasons why it makes sense.
Remove them from the schedule
My daughter went to swimming lessons on weekdays at 6:00 pm and everything worked out fine. Then, when she went to kindergarten, it became a disaster. There was a post-school crisis, but it happened while she was standing there, wet, in front of the crowd in the stands. We canceled the event right away – it was too much. Now we are lying at the bottom after school, and it’s better. When we get home, I can put my daughter in the bathtub (the water relaxes the kids ) or read her a book in the backyard. If your kids have homework, let them run for a bit before they sit down to do it. Giving them the opportunity to play vigorously for just 30 minutes will help pump extra blood to their brains, delivering the oxygen and nutrients they need to perform better.
Pay attention to other factors
With an understanding attitude and some scheduling changes, disruptions should subside. But if not, check other factors. Does your child get enough sleep at night? Is something going on at the school? Talk to your child’s teacher about what you see. If the problems persist after a couple of months, contact your pediatrician or pediatric therapist.