How to Talk to Your Queer Child
I have never had a “Conversation” with my parents. We shared the suggestion that I had safe, natural sex because I never suggested that they should do anything else. So, you can imagine their surprise when, at 26, I became a fagot. After spending a day in downtown Los Angeles on the Day Without a Woman strike, I came home overheated and exhausted. I didn’t expect to open up to my mother when she called and I answered the phone. When she insisted on why I broke up with my five-year-old, I wasn’t going to blurt out, “I’m gay.” But that’s exactly what I did.
All she said at first was, “Ouch.” A moment passed. Then another one. I lay on the bed and stared at the cracks in the old plaster of the ceiling. Finally she said, “It makes sense.”
Even though my mom talked about wanting grandchildren since I was old enough to understand reproduction as a concept, as a family, we never talked about the intersection of gender, identity, and relationships – or intimacy in general for that matter. It wasn’t until I got much older that I realized how isolated this lack of open communication was, how my parents’ assumptions – although rarely voiced and largely invisible – burdened me with expectations that made me feel strange and alone when I couldn’t. does not match.
The messages we don’t receive as children are ultimately just as important as the messages we receive. I understand that talking with children about sex can sometimes feel like threading a needle with your eyes closed, but any discussion of the sexual spectrum would be extremely beneficial to me. After talking with friends and experts, I realized that there are some ways that heterosexual parents can communicate with their children in ways that allow safe sexual exploration and self-expression despite their fears and discomfort.
Pay attention to how you talk about gender
When talking to a gay child – or any child for that matter – avoid the gender of your language. For example, instead of talking about future husbands and wives, talk about future partners and gender-neutral spouses. Ask your children if anyone at school likes them, not boys or girls. Children are better at picking up connotations than we think, which is why these small language changes are incredibly important. Although it was not her intention, all my mom’s talk about grandchildren made me feel guilty for dreaming of any dreams other than marrying a man and raising children.
React without judgment
“Children will only be open about their feelings if they feel safe,” says Dr. Ron Holt, psychiatrist and author of PRIDE: You Can’t Heal By Hiding From Yourself . “Using open-ended questions and following their example is the best way to lead to a healthy and honest discussion of your sexuality.” If your child mentions that he likes a person of the same sex, respond with an open mind and accept that your child’s feelings or attractions are real and valid. Queer children too often try to ignore their sexual preferences because their parents tell them that their same-sex attraction is just a phase or a normal part of heterosexuality.
Exploration of romantic relationships can be stressful at any age, and additional pressure can arise for gay children to be clear about their sexuality. Parents can ease this burden by reassuring their children that the door is always open when it comes to sex, sexuality and identity. In families where this is the case, “children are much more likely to visit their parents when they are ready to discuss it,” says Dr. Holt.
Go beyond simple acceptance
It is also worth doing your best to let your children know that homosexuality is not just normal, but something to celebrate. Speaking to Jason Black, producer and LGBT activist, he highlighted this point by telling me to move the discussion away from “If you’re gay, it’s okay” to something more like “If you like a boy or a girl , or both, here’s how to be safe and respect yourself and the other person. ” This is another way that parents can turn their backs on delusion, cisgender heterosexuality is the default setting and not a single point in a wide range, and also set up a broader conversation about respect and consent.
Make it a constant conversation
While puberty is a classic time to start a discussion about sex, you can gently start approaching the topic earlier, depending on your child and how interested they are in sex and identity. According to Dr. Holt, now is the right time to do this, if you are getting to the point where your child needs your support and honest advice.
As a culture, we tend to think of it as one big discussion in which all questions are brought to the table and answered in a factory style. In fact, constant, casual conversation would be more rewarding and less intimidating for both children and parents, no matter what sexual spectrum they fall on. There are many online resources to help you along the way. The CDC has a wealth of information for LGBT youth, as does the PFLAG , an organization created specifically for parents, friends and allies of the LGBT community.
Don’t worry about getting things “right”
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that heterosexual parents can feel confident knowing that their love and desire to learn matters more than their ability to master queer terminology. I went to see my mom that day and she told me that I was like Julia Roberts in the original Runaway Bride egg sampling scene. For those who cannot immediately trigger this scene, Roberts makes and eats eggs using every technique you can imagine after realizing that she has failed to form her own opinion in her relentless pursuit of reassuring the men in her life. “You have to taste all the eggs to figure out which one you like,” my mom said, and despite the somewhat grotesque imagery, I knew she was listening and I was loved. At the end of the day, this is the main thing.