I Am the Writer Laura June and This Is How I Am a Parent
In her new memoir, Now My Heart Is Full, Laura June writes about how parenting helped her come to terms with memories of her own mother, her mother’s alcoholism and their difficult relationship. Here, she talks about life with her daughter Zelda, from her belief that children sometimes need to be left alone, before motherhood made her more creative than ever.
Name: Laura June Location: Armonk, New York Job: Writer Family: Husband Josh, daughter Zelda (4.5) and Chihuahua.
Tell us a little about your family and your career. Was life mostly according to plan or were there any surprises?
I had almost no plans. I met my husband when I was 27 years old and we got married at 29. We didn’t decide exactly whether to have children or not until the summer of 2013 (I mostly put it off!). I got pregnant quickly and then in February 2014 we got Zelda. I never planned my career or my life – I just tried to figure everything out, and I was very lucky that somehow magically I succeeded.
Tell us about your morning routine. What are your best tricks to get out the door?
The situation changed dramatically with the age of my daughter. When she was 17 months old, we enrolled her in Montessori School (which also doubles as a day care center for working parents). Until the age of three, I was a mother who internally mocked or thought that it was disrespectful to children’s teachers when children constantly come very late. But now that I have an older child, I understand why parents are always late: my daughter is the best at procrastinating and making me late. No matter how early I picked her up and started making my way to the door, we won’t get to school by 9 o’clock in the morning, but we live four minutes from her. We are working on it, but I gave it up too.
One of the reasons I might opt out is because I work from home, so my schedule is much more flexible than it would be if I had to be in the office at a certain time. This means that the first thing in the morning, my only task is to take my daughter to school. For half an hour or so, it’s a hearty breakfast, coffee, feeding and treating our aging, nervous dog, packing lunch, dressing her, and packing her bags. After I actually drop her off, I usually go back to start my day, meaning I shower, put on my real clothes, and check my email.
How much outside help do you get as a parent? Who or what cannot you live without?
This also changed with the age of my daughter. When she was six months old, I returned to work and have been writing at home ever since. At that time, she had a nanny who was an integral part of our life. We ate lunch together, and since I was at home so much, I spent a lot of time working together and making decisions. Now that Zelda goes to school five days a week, we have a nanny from time to time, but we are also very lucky that my brother and his girlfriend, who is also a close friend of mine, are always there. They can stay with her overnight or a whole weekend, and we trust them in the same way that parents can trust anyone who is not themselves. She has known them since birth, and they love each other so much that she always looks forward to meeting them. I am very fortunate to have this because I know most people in New York do not have it.
What gadgets, apps, charts, or tools do you rely on?
I’ve been using the Baby Connect app recommended by Zelda’s nanny since Zelda was about six months old and almost three. At first I tracked both feeding and sleep, but in the end I just slept. I was crazy about her sleeping and napping enough, which was also helpful because anyone who cared about Zelda could enter that information too, so if I was away from home I could open the app and think : “Yeah. well, she slept today. But other than that, I use a paper calendar that I write down in the kitchen and Google Keep for my lists.
Has becoming a parent changed the way you work?
Yes. I’m much more efficient. My working hours are limited to my daughter’s school day: from 9 am to 5:15 pm. It’s a fairly long day, but I also manage most of our household chores, so when I need a break from work, I call the electrician for repairs or add some laundry. I love wandering around the house when I need to think a bit or take a break and run to the grocery store. But overall, my daughter’s existence made me more creative and made me work harder and faster. Writers (myself included) love to talk about procrastination. I still manage to procrastinate, but I do it much less often than before!
How do you unpack?
After Zelda goes to bed, I often do a little work, but instead of working sitting on my bed or in my small office, I stand at the kitchen counter at night. I can grab a bite to eat or chat with friends online. I am in several Slack rooms, one of which is made up entirely of other moms, and the evening is usually quite active. Sometimes I take a shower. By then, Josh usually gets home for the night, so we go outside, sit in the dark on the porch, talk and listen to music. I still enjoy talking to him more than anyone else, so we usually do it for an hour or two every night. We used to watch more movies and TV shows, play video games, but lately we just sat and talked together on weekday evenings.
What are you most proud of as a parent?
The only thing I’m really totally proud of is that Zelda slept well. I think it’s hard to be proud of yourself most of the time, because then it really feels like you’re taking responsibility for some great quality that you know your child can naturally have. The idea that we shape our children completely fascinates me because this relationship works both ways. They mold us too. But I do believe that almost from the moment she was born I have worked very hard and have been very successful in helping her sleep well. She sleeps a lot, falls asleep quickly, and has a good schedule. More importantly, she is good at sleeping. She loves going to bed, lying and reading, and she loves being alone in the dark, so I’m always sure that when I need someone else to put her to bed, everything will be fine. I feel like I was living in fear that her “good sleep” phase would end, but she’s almost five now, and it was really stable. Either way, I’m proud of it, although it’s 100 percent possible that she would have been anyway, and all my efforts were in vain.
What moment are you least proud of?
There are so many things in my life as a parent that I am not proud of. There is one special, low point, very early in my daughter’s life, when she was a baby, she lay in her crib, refused to sleep, and I sang to her very sweetly: “Fuck, fuck, fuck you.” All my worst moments are when I lost my patience due to total despair and frustration. Now that she’s older and smarter, and I’ve turned into my role, this happens much less, but still I always feel the worst when I’m impatient and short with her because she doesn’t intentionally upset or try to hurt me. pain. …
What do you want your child to learn from your example?
The most important thing for me is to be open and honest with each other in our small family of three. I grew up in a very closed family where we didn’t talk much in the group about things that bother everyone. Over the years, we have learned that this is not the best way to be, and therefore, no matter what my daughter is doing, who is faced, how she feels or wants to be, I want her to feel accepted, loved and supported as she is. she is.
What are your favorite funny / weird / special family rituals?
Almost from birth, Zelda, probably because she is an only child and a lover of attention, insisted that everyone in the house join the ritual before going to bed. So it’s not uncommon for six people to line up at our bedside when we have guests and wait to be told whether to tickle her (she loves being tickled) and hug or kiss her. She is very good at going to bed, but at the end of the day she likes to attract all the attention of the whole family. I can’t blame her.
Has anyone ever given you parenting advice that you really liked?
Yes. My mother died seven years before my daughter was born, but I remember when my younger brother was still a baby, and I was probably six years old, she told me that even babies sometimes need time to be alone. She asked me to take my time the moment he wakes up, give him a few minutes to get used to being awake, and let him just be here with his thoughts for a few minutes before rushing to him again. I found this to be an incredibly great tactic with my daughter, who seemed to be in the worst mood if I burst in immediately at the first sounds of awakening, but also, sometimes, if I leave her alone, she falls asleep again.
What’s the hardest part about being a parent?
Every time you add another person to your family dynamic, the complexity gets more complicated. I love dealing with difficult people, but when you have a child, if you are a family with two parents, you will inevitably need to learn how to make decisions quickly and efficiently. At first it was very difficult for us to solve this problem, but now that Zelda is older, we are a decision-making triad. Therefore, learning to discuss, discuss, weigh options with three people, one of whom is a child and does not necessarily always act in the same logical plane as you, can be a very difficult task. But it is also really satisfying, and I think filling my life with difficult, beautiful people was my best decision, although it makes absolutely everything harder and, to a large extent, life becomes easier if you are alone and can make decisions with impunity. and the absence of extraneous voices.
What’s your favorite part of the day?
During the week, my favorite part of the day is the evening, right after I pick Zelda out of school, which is usually the two of us. On weekends, this is the morning when the three of us hug in bed and talk.
Any tips on how moms and dads can stay creative while raising kids?
This is a huge topic for me as my work is creative, but for people whose work is not primarily creative, I have always believed that being creative and spending time on it is very important. I worked on learning how to grow plants and returned to sewing and quilting years later. I think it is really a matter of taking the time to do this, and not being so drained that there is no creative energy within you. In the early months, I admitted that my creativity was a little depleted, but eventually it came back and now I feel more creative than ever and often draw, paint and create things with my daughter.
The only thing I would like to say to other parents who are pursuing a career:
To manage your expectations of yourself and your partner, if you have one. The worst thing for me is when I try to do everything and feel that nothing is being done well. It’s actually a kind of calmness for me, but once you admit that sometimes the house is a mess, and sometimes you need to ignore one in favor of the other, you become less hard on yourself in this regard. Embracing chaos can sometimes be the best option, but if you are a perfectionist (like I was, but no longer, ha!), It is difficult to develop that attitude.
Anything else you want to share?
As my daughter got older, I found that the best I can do for her is not to be with her all the time. That means working time, yes, but it also means taking some time for yourself, and definitely taking time for my relationship with my husband. When we are happy, she is the happiest. And it shows.