What to Do If You Hate Your Partner’s Social Media Presence
I once had a short meeting with a guy whose entire Twitter feed was about cycling. He spent his day posting links to bike trails, talking about his bike, chatting with other cycling enthusiasts, promoting cyclist safety measures and posting pictures of cars blocking bike lanes. All of this is admirable, of course, but the problem was that I didn’t have a bike, I didn’t like cycling, or didn’t really care about the bike at all, and I started to feel based on his enthusiasm for the bike. on social media that maybe this could create a slight compatibility issue. We ended up doing business for several reasons, but the relentless bike tweets and the fact that he constantly talked about the bike when we hung out at least drove a wedge between the two of us in my head. After all, he’s a great guy, but we had very different interests.
Social media has made it all too easy to stalk your partner, your ex, your loved one, your ex, as well as your extended family members and childhood teachers. It has also enabled us to better understand the minds and behavior of others, including those we love. Sometimes social media reveal little things about partners that annoy us, like they keep retweeting Eric Garlandor that they exclusively follow ass models on Instagram. Sometimes these revelations are even troubling, for example if you find that your partner is flirting with other people on Twitter or Instagram, or engaging in behavior online that is offensive or harmful. So what do you do when you hate your partner’s presence on social media? And at what point does pesky online behavior turn into a legitimate red flag?
Try not to sweat over the little things
Social media can’t tell you everything about a person – for example, my Facebook Likes include groups that I never listened to and companies that I never used, simply because friends asked me to support their pages. But it can tell you a lot, and if you find that your partner mostly likes photos of soccer teams on Instagram, they probably like soccer. If they keep retweeting Paul Ryan, well, chances are they’ll like Paul Ryan. If they keep retweeting themselves, they may be a little narcissistic or have a real thirst for things they love. Hopefully this is what they have already revealed to you privately, but you might be annoyed that this information has become their public persona.
The point is, there is a good chance that you will not like everything your partner likes, and that extends to what they scream about on the Internet. “If you don’t particularly agree with your partner’s political point of view, or his attachment to football, or his love of wallets, this is what you have to say:“ These are their interests, and this is part of who they are, ”says the doctor. Pamela Rutledge , director of the Media Psychology Research Center. “You are not the right person. A good relationship is not when people are exactly the same. This is when they can get together and share. “
If the relationship is early on, as is the case with me and my bike boyfriend, these differences in interests can be another thing that scares you off. If it happens to you that you already like and / or love your partner, if not his penchant for uncovering conspiracies to conspire with Russia, it is worth remembering that they are not only their Internet characters.
But that said …
Don’t ignore red flags
There is a big difference between finding someone’s social media presence annoying and harmful. The red flags on the web are real and cannot be ignored. These include, but are not limited to: harassing and / or trolling other social media users, using hate speech and / or body shaming to describe people on the Internet, and posting racist / sexist / anti-Semitic / Islamophobic / xenophobic memes. A friend of mine says that she often searches Twitter for potential partners for phrases such as “women,” “girlfriend,” “sex,” and “bitch,” to see if they’ve ever tweeted anything problematic ( and indeed, she says she found something scary).
One woman I spoke to by email, who asked to remain anonymous for privacy reasons, says that her ex-husband posted horrible things about his ex before she started dating him. “I thought he was just in pain at the time, and attributed this to immature self-control skills,” she writes. Fast forward five years and I learned that he copes with anger and resentment when he feels rejected or unloved. People show you who they are. “
The point is that if someone is insulting online, chances are good that they are also insulting offline. “Social media is an extension of our social world,” says Rutledge. “I think you are fooling yourself if you think that if someone is misbehaving online, then somehow it’s not them. Social media doesn’t force us to do things we wouldn’t otherwise do. ”
Communication is the key to success
If you’re worried or just annoyed by your partner’s online presence, it’s a good idea to talk to them about how you feel. As with any relationship, romantic or otherwise, signs of trouble require communication, and preferably personal. You don’t want to hold back minor sources of annoyance until they boil down, and you definitely don’t want to give them tacit permission to abuse.
If you want to reach out to the former, remember that your partner is allowed to have interests other than yours, so try not to blame. “When you have this kind of conversation, it’s very important that you own your item,” says Rutledge. “In other words, it’s not:“ Something is wrong with you, because you are something, and I don’t like it. ” It is: “Damn it, these things make me uncomfortable, so I would like to understand why this is important to you, because I would like to understand you better.”
Once your partner figures out why, for example, he does nothing other than tweets at airlines and restaurants to complain about the service, you can explain to them why it makes you feel uncomfortable (“I understand that you found that you you can get free meals and air miles this way, but it looks like you are taking advantage of it by publicly shaming them ”), and also let them know that you may not subscribe to them on any platform you find offensive.
“It’s:” And I just wanted to let you know that because they make me uncomfortable, I might not subscribe to your feed. ” I would like to connect with you in some other meaningful way, but I do not want to communicate with you in a way that does not add value, ”says Rutledge. If you don’t think their online behavior is breaking the rules, Rutledge says, “I don’t think you should ignore this, but you shouldn’t come up with your indictment.”
With the latter, you have the right to be more skeptical. Your partner may joke that they mean their malicious online activity, but if the action upsets you, you have the right to urge them to do so. “If you’re in a relationship, you don’t want to do things that upset the other person. You don’t want to be controlled, but you want to have intelligent dialogue about what makes the other person feel respected and supported, about what improves the relationship, ”says Rutledge. “I don’t want my partner to flirt with people on the Internet as if they are available. I don’t want to see them treating people on the Internet in the way I find it unkind or disrespectful. ”
Remember that online cannot tell you everything about a person.
Social media can be an aspect of a person’s personality, but often it’s just one part. “The worst side of people can sometimes show up on the Internet,” says Ravi Chandra, MD , author of Facebuddha: Transcendence in the Age of Social Networks . “There is something called cyber disinhibition, in which some people can get more negative emotions online because the online environment lacks all the signs of physical presence. The tone of the voice, the expression on the face, and all that. Without it, some people become more negative or aggressive. “
Hence, says Chandra, why it is so important to talk to your partner about his behavior that upset you. “Maybe this person needs to be looked at and recognized, and maybe if you tell him about it, it might wake them up a little,” he says. “Because it is a danger to society right now, that in general we live too much on the Internet.”
Basically, your feelings are valid, but if the only thing that annoys you about someone is their online presence, be sure to consider their other qualities before worrying. But don’t ignore how you feel. “Don’t blow anything away,” Chandra says. “If something bothers you, it needs clarification.”
If you’ve decided that you can live without loving your online partner, the best course of action is to make sure you don’t see anything they post. Muting people on Twitter is a great way to make sure you miss their boastful Media Twitter tweets, and Instagram now also has a handy mute feature. On Facebook, you can unsubscribe from your beloved ones and even hide them in your feed. It’s perfectly okay to set boundaries like this. After all, as Rutledge says, “you have the right to navigate online as well as offline.”
And if you like guys who love motorcycles, I have someone for you to meet.