I’m Marlo Mac, Creator of the How to Become a Girl Podcast, and I’m a Parent.
Marlo Mac is producing the podcast ” How to Become a Girl” about the life of her transgender daughter “M.” Through stories of everything from what it was like when other moms in school found out that the girl in class had a penis to telling her child that she might never be a biological mother , Marlo (fictitious name ) gives listeners a glimpse into their world. That’s how her parents are.
Name: Marlo Mac. Residence: Seattle, Washington. Job: radio producer, podcaster Family: M.’s daughter (10), B.
Tell us a little about your family and your career.
I am a single mother since my daughter was three years old. I am fortunate that I am rather friendly raising children with her father. (I’m also going to get married again, so my daughter will soon have a stepfather.) I work as a producer on public radio.
Was life mostly according to plan or were there any surprises?
Surprises? Hell yes. When my child was born, I thought she was a boy, and we raised her as a boy until she told us, shortly after she learned to put words into sentences, that we were all wrong. She was a girl. After about a year of trying to convince her otherwise (“Why can’t you just be a boy who loves pink and wears dresses?”), I realized I wasn’t winning this battle – and that the battle was hurting me. child. From the age of four, she lives happily as a girl and has never wavered in her identity. Since I am a radio producer and a longtime audiophile, I have been recording her since childhood, thinking that it would be nice to have some audio recordings from her childhood. When my child started to say “he” really “she”, I continued to write. Our conversations eventually turned into a podcast about our life together called How to Be a Girl , which tells stories from our lives and explores the mysterious gender world in which all of us humans move every day, whether we realize it or not. (If you are interested in our story, you can watch this little animation I made to capture my daughter’s transition.)
Tell us about your morning routine. What are your best tricks to get out the door?
Unfortunately I’m not a morning person and my daughter seems to have inherited my owl genes along with seasonal allergies and fine hair. (Sorry dear!) It’s a hard morning. My “trick” is to do as much as possible the night before, when my nightly mind is busy and I can handle difficult tasks, such as choosing the right socks. Before we go to bed, I pack her lunch, lay out her clothes and ask her to choose an outfit for the next day. Then all we have to do in the morning is wake up and get dressed, and I drink coffee while she sleepily nibbles a bagel. You might think that this simple routine would mean that we will be on time for school, but the truth is, we are still late about 50% of the time. I just learned to accept it.
How much outside help do you get as a parent? Who or what cannot you live without?
I am very fortunate to be one of the parents of my child’s father, who is raising her for almost half the time. I don’t know how I would have coped alone without a vacation. The dirty little secret (shh!) Of sharing custody is that I actually have more free time than my married friends who have children. Of course, I miss my daughter very much when she is with her dad, but this is also the only time I have a break: when she is with me, it is ALL me. There is no one to send to the store for milk or medicine when she wakes up at midnight with a cough. I have to admit that the early days of single motherhood were tough. I don’t miss those long lonely evenings at home with a four-year-old who didn’t realize that Mom needed five minutes for herself after a full day of work. Now that my daughter has matured, it has become much easier. In addition, a new partner has appeared in my life (we will soon move in with him), so these lonely evenings will soon become a thing of the past.
What gadgets, apps, charts, or tools do you rely on?
I’m just as addicted to my iPhone as everyone else. What really saves me is setting an alarm to remind me of the things I need to do, but I’m sure I’ll forget. (“Pay your mortgage!” “Permission!” Freak. Thing. My aging mom is a brain just not for that. I also love my Kindle. It can only be used to download and read books. When my daughter asks for more screen time, I pass it to her and say, “Read it!” and I feel like I’m not a shitty parent.
Has the way you work changed the way you become a parent?
I think it made me more efficient. There was a lot of time in my preschool life; now it is a rarity and a jewel. I can’t let work projects drag on until late at night or take long lunches because they charge $ 20 per minute if you’re late for daycare. And if I have a few free hours, it’s like Christmas: a rare and magical gift just for me! However, can I use it? (And what the hell was I doing with all those huge gaps of free time before I became a parent?)
How do you involve the child in the work?
I interview my daughter a lot for a podcast and ask her for ideas on what topics we should cover. I want her to feel in control and in control of it, and I think she does. She seems to really take pride in the podcast, and loves the idea of us helping other people by sharing our story. As she gets older, it would be fun if she decided to take the reins and create some audio stories on her own. But so far she is more interested in Lego than podcasts.
How do you like your evening routine?
While I’m cooking dinner, she makes something amazing with Lego. We sit and eat, I ask her about her day and try to stay calm, listen and hope to get some real information from her. Sometimes we do “two roses and a thorn” when everyone says two good things that happened during the day and one bad thing. We usually don’t end, but a good conversation starts. Then a bath, a snack and fairy tales in bed.
What do you want your child to learn from your example?
I want to show my daughter that enthusiasm and hard work can lead to creating something that you will be proud of. She sees how hard I work on my podcast in the evenings and weekends (I have a regular day job during the week) and she knows that I have succeeded and I really love it. I like to think she is good at witnessing this. I also really hope she learns to stay stupid, not take herself too seriously, and be kind to herself. I’m not very good at these things (except maybe the dumb part), but I’m trying.
What’s the hardest part about being a parent?
Knowing that my child will suffer because she is transgender, and also because she is human, and I cannot fix it for her.
What do you want people to know about transgender children?
Two things:
First: She is almost the same as any other child. She goes to school, plays with friends, asks for more screen time, loves candy and hates spinach. She is completely typical and (like all people) completely unique. And transgender is just one detail among the thousands of other details that define it.
Second, being a transgender child is difficult. We don’t talk about it most of the weeks because she’s too busy with school, games, piano lessons and Lego. But it creeps along the edges all the time, and I understand that it is always close to her consciousness: a question mark hangs over each new friendship (“Will she like me if she knows?” ). Public toilets are troubling to her. (“What if someone looks under the stall door?”) Dressing can be a minefield (“These pants hide everything?”) And we haven’t even reached puberty yet.
The only thing I would like to say to other parents who have a transgender child:
Your child will be who he will be. Nothing you do or say (or do or say) will “make” your child transgender (or non-trans) if they are not. Once I realized this, I was able to let go and just let my child be who she was supposed to be. It won’t be easy, but everything will be fine. Just keep loving and listening. And get some support .