How to Behave When You Are the Last Person in a Group of Friends
A few years ago, most, if not all of my friends were single. On any weekday night, I would meet one or five of them for drinks, and we swapped stories of bad dates, bad sex, and bad hobbies that refused to tell us the time of day.
I’m still (incredibly) single (give me a call!), But most of my ex-loser compatriots are in serious relationships. On the rare occasions we get together, we’re more likely to discuss engagement rings and couples travel than unwanted photos of Tinder members, although I’m much more familiar with the latter. It’s hard not to feel left out when everyone else is paired, and I’m increasingly reluctant to share my current romantic traps with friends who no longer suffer with me so that they won’t regret or laugh at me when they get home. to support me. partners.
I feel like the last one not married, but it turns out that I am a lot. According to the 2016 census, 59.8 million households in the United States were held by single men and women, accounting for 47.6 percent of households nationwide. 53.2 percent of unmarried Americans in 2016 were women and 46.8 percent were men. This is quite a sharp contrast to the more recently in 1998 , when only 25.7% of households consisted of single, childless Americans over the age of 18.
Millennials as a group expect more to marry, for a long list of reasons, and in 2017 census data found the average age of women at first marriage was 27.4 (men were 29.5). a whopping 3.4 years older than 1990 and 5.4 years older than 1980. This is, of course, just an average – people marry much younger and much older than that – which means that a significant portion of us don’t tie the knot, or even live with a significant other until our mid-30s, if at all.
That said, while singles have strength in numbers, it’s frustrating when your friends have partners and families and spend many nights alone with the choice of Netflix streaming. Here are some ways to deal with it.
Don’t be upset about feeling unwell
When my last unmarried college friend started a relationship, I was happy for her, but also upset that I had lost an accomplice to a crime. This, as it turns out, is completely normal and is not a sign of your jealousy or bitterness. It’s easy (and ok!) To be jealous of your tied up friends, especially if you’re tired of fruitless first dates and constantly having to solve episodes of the Wild World alone. “Long-term loneliness is a real form of grief,” says Dr. Vinita Mehta , a clinical psychologist based in Washington DC. “The pain that is felt is real and relevant. The life you expect has not happened yet. “
And when you are left to suffer from it without the only buddies to sympathize with you, it is even worse, especially when you feel that you are falling behind. “When all our friends are doing something and we are not, we feel left out,” says Deborah Carr, professor of sociology at Boston University. Plus, when your friends get married, you don’t spend as much time with them. You have plenty of time to consider your potential future for loneliness. “So there is still some loneliness, some kind of change in routine. You no longer have a bar night with friends on a particular night of the week if they spend more time with their spouse or partner, ”says Carr. “You are lonely, you feel abandoned and you feel like your life has changed.”
Take time to see your friends
You may have trouble finding time to hang out with friends in relationships. The responsibilities of adults make it difficult to see your single friends as often as you want, but when you have to compete with a partner (or worse, children), it’s nearly impossible. So says Bella DePaulo, author of Highlighted : How Loners Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, Ignored, and Live Happily Ever After. “Lonely people are too often abandoned by their mutual friends,” DePaulo wrote in an email. “Research shows that when couples move together or get married, they become more withdrawn. This includes spending less time with friends. “
The more time you spend isolated from friends in relationships, the more you will feel left out. Carr suggests planning at least one group outing in advance. “Even if it’s two months before lunch, put it on your calendar and make sure everyone is following it so you have something to look forward to,” says Carr. Plus, she notes, one social interaction tends to breed more. “After you’re done, you say, ‘We had so much fun, let’s do it again.’ And you add it to the calendar, ”she says.
Try new things on your own
When your friends start saving free time for their partners, it becomes much more difficult to find a plus for activities that you previously did together, such as lessons, going to the movies, or accompanying at parties. You might be tempted to stay home if you can’t find a date or a buddy, but it’s actually a great opportunity to explore what you really want to do without having to look after someone else.
“I was a lonely person at the Culinary Club, which consisted of either couples (or there was another single person for a while) for ten years,” writes DePaulo. “And I often go to events where everyone else is involved.” While you may feel uncomfortable at first, say dining alone or doing other things together on your own, once you have the confidence to fly alone, you stop fearing loneliness. “In fact, I’m proud of myself that I go wherever I want, when I want, without fear of being the only single person,” says DePaulo. Plus, you decide where to go, what to do, and (most importantly) when you leave.
Tell your friends how you feel
Pride can get in the way of letting your friends know that you feel left behind, but there’s really nothing wrong with telling them about it. “When we’re the last person in a group of friends to be single, it’s like everyone else in the family is gone,” Mehta says. “When you are the only one who is different from others, it makes you feel like you don’t belong. You are not part of the family. “
This is especially true when your friends are getting married, Mehta notes, and she invites single friends to discuss with their engaged friends what they think about the dynamics of change before the formal ceremony takes place. “The idea is to understand that people who get married also adjust to how the family is changing,” she says.
Friends should express that they remain important to each other and reassure each other that they hope they can still maintain their close friendship, recognizing that this will naturally change. “You have to accept that there won’t be as much accessibility as before, and understand that you will be part of different families,” says Mehta.
But don’t put up with smug couples
One of my least favorite things about being the only single person in a sea of couples is that I have to discuss my life with them on dates. It is depressing enough to suffer awkward dates and frustrating rejections without reliving them in the company of people who are currently relieved of this particular hard work. And if you find yourself answering terrible questions about your romantic pursuits while at a dinner table full of married people, you can (politely) tell them to shut up. “You can draw boundaries where you feel uncomfortable,” Mehta says. “You can say,“ I’m uncomfortable talking about this, I would really like the conversation to end where it is. ”
And if you happen to be half a smug couple, don’t annoy or try to give a positive boost to bad or stupid dates. I hate it when couples do it. This feeds the misconception that single people are lonely because they are not open enough or trying hard enough, but sometimes dating is bad, or stupid, or inappropriate, and you have to trust your instincts if it is!
And best of all, definitely don’t make friends with the random single people you pick off the street. “They have to have something in common, be it a professional interest or a sense of humor,” Carr says of the setting. “Make sure there are some criteria by which they fit, other than just breathing and walking upright when alone.”
Don’t take it personally and don’t just settle for fit in
Fear of attending all your friends’ weddings without a single plus can make you swipe right, but don’t panic. The fact of the matter is that there are tons of singles out there with perfect dates who haven’t been able to find a match. There are also many unhappy couples. “Whenever you’re tempted to scold yourself for being single for a bad reason (for example, you’re insecure or you have“ problems ”), ask yourself if you know any unprotected married people or people who have problems. (The answer is yes), ”writes DePaulo.
In fact, DePaulo notes, it’s better to be single than dating the wrong person. “[Y] you can also be proud of yourself for not rushing into any old relationship just to be in a relationship. This is a bad idea, and especially bad for single people who live a wonderful, single life, ”she says.
Carr agrees. “Not all married people are happily married. And some people make choices that don’t suit them, or they just agree because they want someone, ”she says. “Those who are still single should enjoy the fact that they have been selective lately, and they should continue to do so.” After all, when you’re alone, there’s always the chance that Michael B. Jordan will walk into the bar you’re in and knock you off your feet. But if you are in an unsatisfactory partnership, even if you meet Mbj, you cannot run to Las Vegas with him, sorry!
Know that if you want it your time will (probably) come
The funny thing is that all your friends banded together and dumped you at the last minute to go shopping, the funny thing is that you have a lot of free time to wonder why you are the only person you know who can’t find a successful relationship. Although, you must be all right. “In the United States and in many places, we are led to believe that the world is a meritocracy. “Good things come to those who deserve them,” says Carr. “We often scold ourselves and try to understand what is wrong with us, what makes us remain lonely, although in reality it is nothing.”
Dating is a matter of compatibility and timing, and waiting for the two to come together can be downright exhausting. But if you’re a lonely person who would rather not be, the good news is numbers are on your side. “About 90 percent of people are getting married today,” says Carr. “It differs slightly depending on gender, race and ethnicity, but most people end up in partnerships if they want to. Thus, those who are still single should not consider themselves permanently single, they simply are not in a partnership yet. “
In the meantime, it’s worth taking stock of what you’ve learned from your periods of prolonged loneliness. “Find out if there is any meaning to it,” Mehta says. For example, “I may not have wanted to be lonely for that long, but since I was lonely, I was able to explore certain parts of myself. Because I was lonely, I met this new friend or was able to travel to a place where I could not have gone otherwise, ”says Mehta.
And if you don’t want to pair up, that’s okay too.
Some people like their loneliness so much that they are in no hurry to invite someone else. “Some people like to be lonely, and they like to spend time alone, and maybe alone,” writes DePaulo. “I am one of those people. If you are too, you have nothing to fear. You will enjoy your loneliness, and you will not need instructions on how to do it. “
After all, loneliness has many benefits – on the one hand, your time is yours and you don’t have to compromise on any important life decisions in order to please your partner. Most importantly, you don’t need to share a room with a snoring person. After all, getting a good sleep will help you battle the smug couple at a third-degree dinner party.