When She’s Not at All Like You Bro
This week we have a college boy who is desperately clinging to a long distance relationship with a girl he has known since high school. Is she unreasonable and ignoring him? Or is this dude expecting too much?
Some people have problems that require the delicate advice of a qualified professional. Others just need a random guy on the internet to kick them in the teeth (i.e. honestly). I am the last one. Welcome back to Tough Love .
Note: I am by no means a therapist or medical professional. People ask for my advice, and I give them. End of transaction. If you have any problems, please submit a formal complaint here . Now that this doesn’t get in the way, let’s continue. This week we are doing another special analysis of the game:
Hi, Patrick,
I know this girl from school and we both really liked each other. She left, and we began to distance ourselves for 3 years. There was a time in our relationship when I tore it up so that she could date other people.
Okay. Three years long distance is insanely difficult for people your age. You both change a lot and discover yourself. You both should see what else is there. Don’t hold back each other.
A few months later, we gathered again on the net. The communication was great, we even sent each other letters.
Oh, okay. It’s not perfect, but it’s probably cute.
However, everything began to change gradually. She stopped talking so much and it got to the point where I got angry and asked her where we were.
I guess at least a few hundred miles apart. Is she busy with her life or something?
She said we should just be good friends until she gets back to town, which will be winter when she graduates from college.
Great idea! Give each other some space and then maybe reconnect when you can actually see each other. Glad we talked about this … Oh, there is more …
After that, communication improved, and we continued to talk. I told her bluntly that I was offended that one of my best friends did not communicate with me every day, referring to the example that my best friend and I always talk every day.
Wait, is she your best friend or romantic interest? Long distance is tough for any relationship. You know what, it doesn’t matter! You feel the need for AF, especially considering that she is somewhere else living a completely different life with completely different people, places and things. Have you even wondered how she can relate to all this? Probably no. I guess she now feels obligated to apologize to you, when in fact she owes you nothing.
She apologized …
Swish! And now she will promise to protect you from aggression.
… and said she would talk to me every day and call me at night.
Heat! A way to corner her, man. Sadness for the good. It cannot last long. You know why? Because she doesn’t want to talk to you every day , but she feels obligated, because either (A) she feels bad for you and wants to be good, or (B) she is afraid that you will turn into an evil asshole if she is frank … with you. It won’t work anyway.
This lasted 3 days until she returned to her old habits.
HE IS ON FIRE!
She also wanted me to date, and said she wanted to date if it suits both of us when she gets back to town, but she doesn’t want to make an effort to keep in touch.
Take the hint, boy. This is the so-called “soft no”. She wants you to date someone else, for you to go ahead and let her live her life; she offers a vague opportunity for a date in the future so you don’t get upset / angry; and she doesn’t want to make an effort to stay in “constant communication” because, well, she doesn’t want to make an effort . Look at the words you wrote, dude – she doesn’t want to talk to you, at least not every fucking day.
Well, I started dating someone else, but I know I’m taking it easy, no one compares to her in my eyes. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you, confused college student
Need some advice, CCS? Here it is: leave alone the girl who is in the distance. She doesn’t feel it anymore, she’s gone, and you have to do the same. If you want to contact her when she finally gets back to town, go for it, but I wouldn’t expect anything. People grow and change, and relationships end.
If you really like this new girl you are dating, give her a fair chance. But don’t drag her along to make the other girl jealous, and don’t waste her time if you don’t like her very much. Maybe you better take some time for yourself and unload that baggage, you know? I know CCS, you feel like you’ve been mistreated, but that’s not the case. Your expectations need some adjustment.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT WRITE ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR REQUEST TO BE INCLUDED, AND PLEASE KEEP IT SHORT . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.