A Trick to Teach Children Compassion
It’s easy to conclude that people suck at all. But isn’t it? The driver who cut you off, the woman who appears out of nowhere to brush the last Costco sample off the tray as you wait patiently in line, the “friend” who has forgotten your birthday for three years in a row. I understand why we assume that others are simply not trying.
But this is, of course, a dangerous prospect. It shuts us off from communication and makes us irritable and irritable. As a parent, I want to teach my daughter to treat others with empathy rather than judgment – a difficult skill to learn but one that will serve her every day. Sabina Nawaz, writing for the Harvard Business Review , shares a case that I love. She and her children play what they call Multiple Meanings, a simple observation game that develops empathy. This is how it works:
We take turns creating stories based on observations of people and events on the way to and from school. For example, if we see a person walking briskly down the sidewalk with tattooed arms and a sleeveless vest, we might make up a story that he was late for work because his car broke down, so he walks quickly to call for help. Maybe he owns a tattoo parlor across the bridge and is a walking advertisement for his business. Or maybe he meets someone at the park and is late. Then our children use this skill when they are upset about something at home or at school. This is especially helpful when my sons argue and come to me for mediation. To reduce the intensity of the conflict, I ask, “How else can you figure out why your brother borrowed your Lego plane?” The goal is to calm down and show more empathy so that they approach someone with curiosity rather than judgment.
We often teach children to do their own thing. But what if we don’t? What if we taught them to be interested in people, even those who might harm them? What if we remind them that everyone is fighting a tough battle? What if their will drives them to challenge their assumptions and gives others the opportunity to doubt – or, better yet, ask them about their lives? In Brené Brown’s book Strong Growth, she asks her husband if he thinks people try their best. His answer was: “I don’t know. I really do not know. All I know is that my life gets better when I assume people are trying their best. It keeps me from judging and allows me to focus on what is, and not on what should or could be. ” This is exactly what you need.
With your children, help them use their natural love of stories to come up with their own stories for a toddler throwing a tantrum at the grocery store, a man resenting a bank, or a bully in a book they are reading. In the end, the story they change will be their own.