How to Raise a Body-Positive Child
How we feel about our body and how we handle it is influenced by many different factors, but one of the most important is how we grew up. As a longtime anti-fat activist, I’ve heard many stories of well-meaning parents who talked about food choices for weight loss rather than nutrition, or exercise as a moral imperative rather than a fun way to pass the time. … And their children grew up and developed harmful attitudes and behaviors because of this.
This is difficult – we want to instill in our children positive emotions so that they accept what they have and live comfortably with them. But many of us have our own insecurities and problems to deal with. The good news is that you don’t have to self-master body positivity to raise kids who are generally happy with their bodies. Nobody loves their body 100%, and this should not be your goal for either you or your child. The goal is a good relationship with food, exercise and body. That’s all.
To help your children develop this, you may need to change your views and the language you use about bodies. Here’s how to get started.
Deal with your own shit
As adults raised in a fat-phobic world that continues to treat obesity as a character flaw, we may not have the best relationship with our bodies. When you are raising children, your own luggage is revealed to the fullest, whether it be food, floor or TV. Then again, there is no perfect way to be in your body, and even the most ardent fat activist has bad days that they struggle (I know because I’m alone). However, if you have an eating disorder or your hatred of your body is seriously interfering with your life, you should seek counseling to deal with it.
Even if you have a normal relationship with your body, it doesn’t hurt to try to work on your own body positive. Children will do what you do much more than you say, so if you continue to hate your body, they are more likely to hate yours. Remember that genetics plays a huge role in the body, so if your kids carry your genes, their bodies may be like yours, making any criticism of your own body even more painful.
Talk to children about the body
If you want to raise generous children, be generous. If you want to raise kids who don’t hate their bodies, show them how much you love yours. The hardest part is figuring out how to conduct such conversations.
What I talk about with my toddler is that people have all sorts of bodies – big bodies, small bodies, bodies that use wheelchairs, bodies with brown skin, and bodies with wrinkles. With older children, we also talk about bodies, but with a lot of nuances and details, for example, how people with darker skin are more often victims of the police or how bodies on TV look one way, while bodies in real life look like a different path. I found this outline useful for starting discussions on all sorts of issues, and I believe that in order for children to be truly positive, we need to refer to bodies in terms of race, disability, gender, and age.
A great time to talk about and notice bodies is to watch TV. Try to have your child see many different types of bodies performing different actions. Talk about whose bodies are missing and what messages advertisers are trying to convey to us.
Meet the word “fat”
The message that society gives is that one can talk about some aspects of the body, but not about others. For example, you can say that someone is tall, but you cannot say that someone is fat. Although it may not be realized, children internalize it, and this contributes to the message that something is wrong with the fat body. Practice saying this if you need to be reminded that fat is a neutral descriptor, like tall or short, brunette or blonde.
Change the way you think about food and exercise
I could write a book about it, but I’ll be simpler. In the end, it’s not about food, but about food. Don’t turn food into a battlefield. Of course, this does not mean that children can eat whatever they want all the time. This means eating should be a way to connect and enjoy good tasting things while you relax together. Sometimes it’s Brussels sprouts and sometimes it’s biscuits. Taking a neutral approach to fat and calorie intake is key. For example, explaining that we will have Brussels sprouts tonight because our bodies need iron, as opposed to “I’m trying to lose weight, so we eat Brussels sprouts.” Likewise, exercise should be done for the pleasure of movement and for other reasons beyond weight, such as gaining strength or endurance.
Feed the children. Give them options, but don’t kill yourself. Talk about bodies and note the differences. Finally, remember that a peaceful relationship with your body is a much more important part of health than absolutely perfect nutrition or iron abs. Your kids expect these messages from you, so the more you work on yourself, the easier it is for your kids to learn body positivity.