Talk to Your Child in a “parallel Position”
There are many books and articles on how to talk to your child. Most of them offer good advice: don’t do everything about yourself (“Do you think it’s scary to make a presentation about the planets? I have to give the keynote speech to twelve ambassadors from Japan”). Don’t be passive aggressive. (“Oh listen, this little girl doesn’t need to carry a bunny toy with her wherever she goes.”) Have empathy. Offer direction. Show that you are human.
But when discussing it is often overlooked when talking to a child. This is equally important. Children, like adults, can be anxious, wary creatures. Raise a chair in front of them, look them in the eye, and say, “Hey buddy, let’s have a good chat,” and you are guaranteed to be greeted with awkward silence. If you want your child to open up, you should look for what author and family therapist Ron Tuffel calls “mediators.” He explained in Time :
What was the last time you had a good conversation with your child? I know the answers: walking or driving to school, baking together, swimming time and, of course, bedtime. This time and activities loosen tongues because the parents and the child are not looking at each other. In fact, we are in a parallel position. Most of us think that conversation should be about deep relationships, but in fact, children open up when they do other things, during what I call the “in between” in life.
There is power in the parallel position. Somehow, when you look in one direction, all pretense disappears. Some of the deepest conversations in films aren’t just due to the cinematic effect of two people cutting together celery sticks for Thanksgiving filling or bouncing balls into the distance on the training field. I learned that my 5-year-old daughter is very honest with me when we lie side by side looking up at the ceiling. This is when she tells me about her struggles with friends at school, and when I feel like she pauses to heed my advice.
We cannot force related moments with our children, but we can pay attention. If you notice that your normally reserved child does open up when you go for a walk, you can try this ritual before evening. When traveling, you may decide to keep your iPad out of the way for up to two hours. The most important moments happen unexpectedly, but we must make room for them.