How to Help Kids Fight Back When the Bad Guys Win
We had my son’s fourth birthday party the day the Patriots beat the Falcon in the Super Bowl. As you know, the bad guys won that day . My son ate chocolate cake so the party didn’t go bad. However, he raises this question from time to time. My child is not unique. Over and over again, research shows that people focus on the negative rather than the positive , both in our memories and in the here and now.
Maybe that’s why we can’t tolerate unfortunate endings in imagination. We love the bad for a while. The bad is cunning, sexy, and charismatic. Bad guys get big brains, cool cars, and better lines. But, as with roller coaster rides, we only want to be scared for a little while before we land safely where we started. When the trail leads to the gnashing of teeth of a killer shark, it’s shocking. The implication is that a sick and perverse mind has deceived us – switched our flight from reality to something too close to real life.
When you get to the end of a story like No Country for Old Men , it feels unfinished on the page or on the screen. You remain dazed, empty, and stuttered. This is not how it should work. The hero must not die! Evil must not triumph! You are cute little Fred Savage,pissed off at Columbo’s grandfather . Indeed, grandfather. If you wanted to read me a story where the bad guy wins, you could read me the paper instead.
In real life, the forces of hatred, bigotry, and violence have been winning so hard lately that it’s tempting to give up, go into pretense, ban news from your home so that your childhood versions of the world remain calm and orderly. … This is a very bad idea.
First, he doesn’t help the good guys. Plus, you will harm your child in the long run. When she grows up and leaves the protection of your zone, where there is no news, she will be unprepared to face reality. Plus, it’s not fair to you. On the day of filming in Parkland, I couldn’t stop crying. At a time like this, stoicism would drive me crazy. Most importantly, you can rob humanity of the next great freedom fighter. God knows good guys need help.
Here are some ideas on how to teach your kids to resist when the bad guys win.
Give room for ventilation
When something bad happens, allow the children to react naturally. Don’t give subtle or overt hints that you disapprove of their sadness or disappointment. My daughter says she is not sad in such situations. She is angry. So she goes to her room and hits her pillow several times. “I know it’s not fair to my pillow,” she says. I don’t mind if she hits the pillow, not her brother.
After the first bursts of emotion, you can start working on the next steps. But all sadness – or anger – has to come out to clear your mind. There is no point in holding back tears or calming down too quickly. Allow them to fully experience their feelings, without any time frame.
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When you start thinking about how to respond – after an innocent person is killed or a helpless community is persecuted – encourage your children to put their thoughts down on paper.
Younger children may want to paint or paint a picture of what the world would look like without the bad guy in question. Older children can make lists or diary entries, organizing their thoughts and making specific next steps. These visualizations will provide guidance on how to comfort them and pave the way forward. Everyone likes the plan. If you’re lucky, their ideas will give you some hope, too.
Train resilience
As my daughter says: “What we believe in has not gone anywhere, it is still just hidden.” In other words: we may fall, but we are not out of the game. Our commitment has not faltered.
It is a good instinct to rally troops. But where is the proof? Watch the stories that follow the tragedy. As heartbroken as I was on the day 17 students were killed at their school, I was inspired and encouraged by the courage and leadership of the survivors who raised their voices demanding a safer society.
These kids are just a few years older than my daughter, and I talked to her about their efforts – not to stop the massacre, but to shift her focus from the bad guy to those who are following in his footsteps. I also give examples from history. The people of the past who rebelled against injustice represent the roadmap for the future.
Help those who need it most
I’m an American white dude. My children and I live without the threats to which billions of people around the world are exposed. If this applies to you as well, then focus on those who are rooted in the social machinery rather than your own despair.
Sites like Volunteer Match and United Way are good places to start. Use your child’s strengths. My daughter loves to cook and read, so the free free kitchens and literacy organizations are right for her. You can also consult your local newspaper and the bad news it brings for potential clients. Note which groups and individuals are mentioned as offering assistance and reach out to them.
Balance personal wealth with the common good on a two-to-one or one-to-one scale. I mean, for every ballet class, let there also be a shift in the food bank. This regular volunteering teaches your children how important it is to spend some of their time working for the benefit of others.
Speak out
Fight the bystander effect in ways big and small. If, for example, Columbo’s grandfather was one of 20,000 people who voted for neo-Nazis who denied the Holocaust , and he started shouting about it loudly during Sunday lunch, do not change the topic. Confront him. Let it be awkward. Do not give up. Too often, tolerant people are willing to tolerate hateful ideas.
Don’t stop at grandpa. Attend city council meetings. Call your elected officials. Take your kids to rallies and marches. This last idea is especially important when it comes to comforting your kids after the bad guy’s triumph. In the small world of your home, it is easy for them to feel defeated. In the real world, surrounded by thousands of other people, the truth is simple: the bad guy has not won, the battle is not over, and there are many more of us than him.