Why Do I Force Myself to Negotiate
There is no denying the gender pay gap. That’s it : the average salary of a man, the average salary of a woman, and the gap between them. The gap exists whether you believe in it or not. Those who deny the wage gap do not deny the gap itself; they deny its significance. Women stay at home with children, so they say the numbers make sense. Women don’t negotiate, so of course there is a gap.
Deniers see an explanation, others see a problem. For example, it may be true that women negotiate less . It is also true that when we negotiate, we are faced with a social penalty. A Harvard study found that women are considered more demanding and less attractive than men when they ask for more.
This is why, as a rule, I try to force myself to ask for more.
As someone who hates confrontation , there are several things in the world that I fear more than negotiations. I was not raised as a merchant. My mom is one of those hardworking, nameless immigrants that people love to romanticize , and that’s why she always taught me to keep my head down, ask nothing, and be grateful for what I have. It took both of us a long time to realize that you can be grateful for what you have and strive for more. (In fact, gratitude is the best place to strive for more, because even if you don’t get what you want, you are still satisfied with the hand you ran into.)
However, over the years, both my mom and I have come to terms with the role of a polite, gentle employee who does not make a fuss. (At one point, my female boss even pulled me aside and asked me to stand up for herself more often.) Like many women, my mom and I were fueled by the idea that “aspects of negotiation – under certain conditions – are incompatible with role female, ” says a 2015 study . At some point, a thought struck me: by taking on the role that is expected of me, I also strengthen it.
In response, I made it a rule to always ask for more money. When I took on a new freelance job, I forced myself to ask for a surcharge. If I worked for an existing client long enough, I would force myself to ask for a higher rate every year or so. Sometimes it’s embarrassing. When a new client offered a fair price, and I asked for some more, we sat in dead silence for about five seconds while she reluctantly said, “Yes, that’s okay.” After that, the conversation became much cooler.
Sometimes I get rejected. The client I really wanted to work with said, “Unfortunately, this is not on our budget right now, but maybe we can come back to it in the future.” We have never done this. Half of my goal is to make more money, and the other half is to learn to speak openly . The revelation pushes the boundaries of my earning potential, perhaps narrowing my own gap a bit, but even if I’m rejected, it also sends a signal to my own professional world: women can demand more.
I may be perceived differently, for better or for worse, but the goal is to contribute to the working world in which it is more normal for a woman to speak up and say, “Do you think this assessment matches my professional value? “
Ultimately, value is what it all boils down to. Money is just money, but we give it meaning. It reflects our work, skills and experience. So when we try to explain the difference in wages, we also agree that a woman’s professional worth is worth less than a man’s because [insert nonsense reason here]. This is not something every woman can do, and some experts caution against general advice that women should always negotiate with. For some, the social risk is too high.
While there are certainly broader solutions to these more systemic problems, and we alone cannot be solely responsible for fixing them, there may be a way to address these problems on a microcosmic level. For women, negotiation is more than just getting more income; it is also an extension of the expected role of us.
Studies like this 2005 study also show that women are better at negotiating when they feel they are protecting others, not just themselves. In other words, it is easier for women to negotiate when we feel that it will benefit others. So if you want to negotiate but are still intimidated, consider this “trick” – make negotiations easier by remembering how it will help others.