Avoid Burnout by Limiting Your Options
A few years ago, when my husband came home from the store with a bottle of sunscreen for our toddler, I had a mild panic attack.
Me: “Wait, did you just buy ? Have you ever looked at the reviews?
Husband: “No, no. But it says right here it’s for kids. And that’s SPF 50, so … “
Me: “So what are the ingredients? Have you heard anything about this? Because Des told me about this mineral cream she uses, so I wanted to try this, and then someone from my Facebook mom group shared this list of the best baby sunscreens of the year and I was about to read it. … And then there were all these stories about how dangerous some sunscreens are, so I have to make sure this isn’t one of them. In fact, I had not yet fully explored this topic and was not ready to make such a decision. Do you have the receipt?”
Husband: [ Empty look. ]
Decision fatigue has always been my trusted life companion, but since I got two pink lines indicating that I will be responsible for another person – my daughter, who is now five years old – it has become even more paralyzing. … Why does every choice I make about my child require a preliminary analysis at the doctoral level? Author Boonmi Laditan brilliantly describes the crisis in his Facebook post about buying children’s vitamins :
Being a modern parent is awful. I would have inherited my left kneecap in the 70s or 80s, when all you had to do to be considered a good mom was to remember to roll the windows down when you smoke in the car.
I am not fit for this. Do you know what I am doing this morning? PURCHASE OF VITAMIN. Over the course of 45 minutes, I compared children’s vitamins, read online reviews and inflammatory blog posts, not backed up by any scientific evidence that I both fear and respect.
I have two nice bras, but I’m willing to spend over $ 100 on baby vitamins, probiotics (they look like crushed cocaine and have nothing to do with taste, but if you don’t buy them, your child will die) and supplements.
Do you know what vitamins I used as a child? NO ONE. DAYLIGHT WAS MY VITAMIN. From time to time, at most once a year, my mom gave us these flintstone chalk vitamins that looked like kidney stones, but we only had to eat them for a few days before she lost interest in our health.
The paradox of choice is nothing new – the sheer number of options we have today seems to bother everyone a little. But psychologist and family counselor Dr. Sherrill Ziegler believes that parenthood, especially motherhood, reinforces this belief that every decision is critical. In her new book Mommy Burnout , coming out this month, Ziegler explains that the choices we make for our kids can feel too personal. What we choose looks like an idea of who we are, when in reality it is just a damn diaper cream. “The problem is that the choice is not about the products or programs themselves, but how these things affect us as individuals and as mothers,” she writes. “ I’m going to be a bad mom if I don’t buy an organic mattress for my toddler’s bed ,” you tell yourself as you research every organic mattress you can find.
Too many choices should make us happier and freer, but Ziegler explains that the opposite often happens. When I tried to decide on a stroller, I compared the characteristics of the best finalists, watched YouTube reviews and asked parent friends. After all, I had a great stroller! He easily moved my daughter from one side of the food court to the other. But I still had the big FOMO stroller – damn it, why didn’t I choose the lighter one, the giant canopy model that constantly puts me face to face with my precious baby? I should have done more research.
To stay sane, we need to limit our choices. When the only options are right in front of us, we can compare them, make a decision, feel satisfied with that decision, and move on with our lives. I have found several ways to do this.
Define your core values
Okay, maybe you don’t need to use your deepest values when you buy applesauce bags, but bear with me. When you define the vision for your life, it will be easier for you to make all the decisions. (To get started, check out Debbie Millman’s Ten-Year Plan exercise .) My word of the year once was “home,” and oddly enough, it became a guiding force — I was able to turn down a lot of invitations. with more confidence, because this event will not push me towards my goal of spending time with my family at home. Think big things and the little ones will naturally fall into place.
Try to limit yourself to three options for a whole week.
Ziegler shares an exercise in which you have to force yourself to choose from only three options (at most) for all decisions that arise during the week. “Notice how this affected the amount of time you spent doing research and how it affected your overall stress levels,” she writes. Sounds pretty straightforward, but it may not be. If after a week you feel a greater sense of control, try again. And then another one. And another one.
Narrow your sources
I used to flip through pages and review pages when buying something , but now I don’t do it that often. Instead, I’ll send a group message to some trusted friends and ask, “Hey, what kind of face cream are you using?” Or “What kind of kids lunch box do you have? You like it? Chill. [Places in trash.] »Using trusted sources (a favorite website, a small group of parents, or maybe your wise neighbor with three older kids) makes decision-making much more manageable than getting lost in the internet.
Automate everything you can
Set up subscriptions. With Amazon Prime, you can save 20% on items like diapers, baby food, and baby vitamins if you get five or more items in a month. Choose your products only once, instead of standing in the aisles and reading all the descriptions each time.
Buy and manufacture in bulk
Do you have a children’s birthday present that is won every time? (Mine is a book .) Buy 12 so you don’t scratch every time your child is invited to a regular party. Prepare frozen meals in advance for lunch during the week. Buy a pack of matching socks. You get the idea.
Give up what works best and focus on what works.
This year, my daughter is going to kindergarten at the local school, which is a five minute walk away. This is a great school. However, a friend of mine told me the other day about the school her daughter is going to go to, and it sounded amazing. I started doing all this research, reading about his philosophy, activities and the relationship between students and teachers, until finally I disconnected from it, asking the question: “Why am I thinking about this at all?” This school is 35 minutes away, has weird opening hours, costs a lot more than our free school, and would be a logistical nightmare for us. As Ziegler writes, “the best” is not always possible. So stop striving for this in every decision. (It’s difficult if, like me, you think too much about parenting.) Your family is best served with what works for your family. Make a goal of “what works”.