What Did Your Parents Do Right and How Did They Go Wrong?
Preparing for first child these days usually involves analyzing a spreadsheet filled with stroller characteristics and ratings, advising etymology experts on the names of hipster babies, and deciding which tune to play when the tiny cherub travels the world: Lucinda Williams’ “The fruits of my labor” or “Naked as we came” Iron & Wine. But what is so often overlooked in preparation is probably the most important item on the checklist: deciding how you want to raise this child.
Christie Par wrote a Lifehacker article on what to do when you and your partner are faced with conflicting parenting styles as many of us find ourselves in this predicament. One of the commenters added the completely truthful thing: you should probably start figuring this out before having children. I know it would help me and my husband, who one day found themselves struggling over our beliefs about timeouts in the midst of a potential timeout . I looked at him with horror and asked: “What do you mean that you do not completely agree with me on an issue that we never discussed?”
But how do you even begin to think about how you want to be parents if you never had a parent? A good place to start is to remember how you grew up. In a recent episode of the Happier With Gretchen Ruby podcast, writer Jhansi Dunn talked about the sit down exercise and listed five things you loved about the way your parents raised you and five things your parents did that you don’t want to repeat. … Dunn, author of How Not to Hate Your Husband After Children , says for her and her husband that “this would immediately solve a lot of problems.”
It’s not about worrying about your parents (although it can be therapeutic for some). You can start with the premise that they probably did the best they could with the information they had and you will never match them (you know, because you are different people). It’s about exploring the benchmark that is most likely to influence your values and behavior — your past — and then using that information to shape your future. As therapist Zach Brittle explains on the Gottman Institute blog : “It is important for both partners to reveal their mum and dad to each other and perhaps do it over and over again as you learn more about it, so that they can define their own path, and not unconsciously slip into the path of their parents. “
The exercise can be performed without a partner. Or even right here on the website. I’ll go first. I would rather not repeat: the way my parents allowed me to quit any activity that I no longer wanted to do. What I loved very much: Just as Toni Morrisononce described in Oprah , their faces lit up when I entered the room.
And you? What did your parents do that you would like to repeat or avoid?