These Questions Will Improve Your Relationship.
Have you ever had a moment of connection with a stranger? I’m not talking about romantic or sexual relationships (although they are good too), but rather a quick smile as you walk down the street, or a one-off joke shared while waiting in line at the grocery store, or something else. another brief shared experience that made you feel like a stranger is really special and might otherwise be a friend? I like moments like these, which are few, because they make me feel like the universe of potential friends is bigger than I thought. I’ve always wondered why such moments happen – why they happen to one person and not to another, or at the same time and not to another.
I recently came across Katherine Schaffler’s post How To Change Your Life in One Second, in which she discusses her belief that we always ask four questions to everyone in our environment – everyone with whom we have relationships, from casual acquaintances to our romantic partners. These questions, which she says come from Maya Angelou (though she doesn’t indicate exactly where), represent constant requests for recognition and confirmation on a large and small scale.
Four questions:
- You see me?
- Do you care that I’m here?
- Am I enough for you or do you need me to get better?
- Can I tell you that I am special to you by the way you look at me?
Anyone who has ever been in a romantic relationship with someone who is slowly checking out will understand what she means by these questions: I had relationships with people who, when the romance drew to a close, did not seem to care about whether I was even in the room or not, or cared about whether we were at a party together or apart, or just talked to me to say something critical. I did the same with partners that I was slowly pulling away from.
Schaffler notes that patients from her practice come and complain that they enter the bedroom, and their partner barely looks up from the phone. Or they dress their child and prepare him for school, not paying attention to him or looking into his eyes. Take a moment to let someone know that you see them, that you care, that they are around, that there are enough of them, and that you think they are special – these are the minute details of what makes a good relationship good.
I have a friend who masterfully makes me feel good: she asks me questions, seems to be genuinely interested in answers and treats me like a special person who has unique things that I can offer her as a friend. I always thought she had unusually good social skills, but now I realize that she (subconsciously) always answers these four questions that I (subconsciously) ask.
Schaffler is not the first psychologist to have noticed that such requests are the foundation of strong relationships. John Gottman, a psychotherapist whose research can be used to predict which couples will stay together and which ones get divorced, calls these requests for proposals : ” any attempt from one partner to another for attention, confirmation, affection, or any other positive connection .” Not every offer will be answered, but his research suggests that the important thing is that you answer yes 85% of the time. (The likelihood of divorce among couples was over 33%.)
This applies to all types of relationships, even the fleeting ones. For some reason, one of you made a bet and the other focused his full attention for a moment or two. I like this strategy because it helps you consider what you give, not what you receive, and it helps you monitor the improvement in your relationship. It might not change your life in one second, but it might make waiting in line at the grocery store a little more fun.