How to Leave Your Roommate Hanging Without Being a Complete Jerk
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .
This week we have someone who wants to move and leave their neighbor in limbo, even though they have questioned them in the past about their life situation.
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
Hi, Patrick,
A year and a half ago, I bought a new car. Before buying, I sat with my roommate to confirm that he does not plan to leave anytime soon, as paying for the apartment on my own AND paying for the car would be impossible. He assured me that he had no plans.
However, earlier this month I was fired from my job. I don’t panic too much because I have a couple of very strong potential clients, but the problem is that these prospects are on the other side of the country. Nothing is final yet, but I feel a lot of guilt for asking my roommate about his life plan and then moving out.
I never wanted a roommate. One of the reasons this proposed move is so attractive is because the cost of living will be such that I can afford my own home. However, my roommate was a great roommate, he is a nice guy and I want to do the right thing with him. Obviously, I have to give him as much attention as possible; I hope for 45-60 days notice and am working with it to find a replacement. Assuming I can make the money work if we don’t find a replacement, I’d like to give him a lease two months ahead of schedule. And if he finds someone to take my place during these two months, I will allow him to keep the difference; compromise if he does not, nevertheless, I am free and clear.
Is there anything else I can or should do? We are volunteer tenants, so there is no legal obligation. As I said, I just want to do the right thing.
Thank you,
Just red
Hi just red :
Not all harsh love tells someone that he did something wrong. Sometimes it tells someone that they did the right thing. So, as much as I would like to break your new one for being a shitty person, I cannot. But I can still help you here. At the end of the day, I think you are being cute – too cute.
First, talking to your roommate about their life plans is perfectly reasonable. Not that you told him, “You can’t move because I’m buying a car, bro!” You just asked if he will stay, so you know if you can pay for the car. I think he might have been a jerk and told you the information was confidential, but it looks like everything went fine.
But now you probably need to move, and you are worried that he will be angry with you. First, you asked him a year and a half ago about his life situation. Even if it bothered him a little then, he probably already forgot about it. And this does not mean that you chose to be fired. If he is as good a guy as you say, he will understand that life happens. You can definitely move out whenever you want, especially since you have no legal obligation. The fact that you notify him 60 days in advance and also offer to pay the rent 60 days after that while helping him find a replacement is honestly amazing. The usual politeness is that you have to notify someone 30 days in advance, that’s all, and you go far beyond that. Well done, you are doing the right thing!
However, it might be too nice an offer. Chances are this guy is misusing your goodwill. Taking long notice and helping finding a new roommate is one thing (it’s just being a good friend), but offering to pay rent in addition to that can seem like a charity. It’s not entirely clear if you are paying only your share of the rent or all of it, but in any case, such things can really offend some people, so I might refrain from this offer at first. Let him know what’s going on, notify him 60 days in advance, and offer to help him find someone new. THEN, if your move date is fast approaching and you guys haven’t found a new person yet, consider offering him money so you both can get some rest.
Quickies
Because I just don’t have time for all of you …
No time for rough spots says:
I do not know what to do. I broke up with this guy about two months ago without realizing that he was going through hard times. I started talking to him again, saying that I miss him and want him to come back, but he says he’s scared, so I don’t know how to calm him down that things will not be the same as last time. I really regret what happened in the past and I really love him, but I’m not the type to talk about her feelings usually, so if you could help me it would be absolutely amazing.
To be honest, I doubt your “love” for this person. When you love someone, you know they are going through “hard times” because you notice a change in their behavior or mood and talk to them about it. Or you ask them how they are doing and they open up to you. Then you stay with them and help them get through this difficult time. You unknowingly jumped from a ship into rough waters, and now it will always be difficult for him to trust you again. He knows that you want to be together again – you told him. Give him space and let him decide if he wants to. Now it’s not about your feelings.
The problem “I wonder about wanderlust” asks:
I was offered a job in Vietnam as an English teacher for 6 months, should I take it?
Yes. Till!
The section “Receiving the silent treatment” asks the following questions:
I’ve been talking to this guy for almost two years. He recently told me that he loved me, and I said that in return. But then I remembered a few things that happened in the past and brought them to his attention. He said that I made him feel terrible and he stopped talking to me. I have apologized several times. He told me that he doesn’t hate me, he loves me, but he still doesn’t talk to me. He likes my photos on social media, but he doesn’t talk to me. How can I fix this? Or should I let go?
Let it go.
Now for a step-by-step demo of Tough Love for Learning With Lingerie :
Sir, I want you to help me with two things. First, you are watching videos of sleeping positions you shouldn’t try. You watch him, but he uses women in their underwear to show sleeping positions. What are you going to do next?
Avoid these sleeping positions. Or not. This is your choice.
Why did they even wear women in underwear ??? They had other options. I don’t know about that.
I don’t know, maybe they thought it would attract more viewers. Seemed to work for you.
Second: Let’s say you’ve watched the video. The point is, you don’t get the same insight from a blog or a video of these things – let’s call it “attention-seeking things” – then if they were free of them. YouTubers or bloggers have done all the hard work to get viewers to get it right, but putting it all into their will makes the results unlikely.
Most people can probably learn and be mildly aroused at the same time. If you’re having a hard time with this, just don’t look.
These “things needing attention” play with the thought process and make the brain work harder.
I don’t know about that. Focus more, maybe …
You will quickly lose previous information due to all this struggle in your head against resisting the temptation, and instead focus on the real things that are or will not appear yet as the video or blog continues. Do youtubers and bloggers care? Or are they?
Which? Seductive? And no, they don’t care.
Thanks in advance. I want to get rid of this. How?
Stop watching. God go masturbate, dude.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT WRITE ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY TO OPEN . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.