Gifts for Children of Parents You Hate
When you have children, people give you gifts. It is wonderful! Lovely blankets, funny jumpers and adorable dolls are all very lovely gifts from generous relatives and friends.
And then there are other gifts. There are things that are just confusing: a friend told me that her MIL brings recycled boxes – literally trash – for her little one to play with. There are gifts that are slightly clueless: spiky dresses for a little girl who clearly prefers jeans. And then there is a purely absurd evil: gifts and toys that will rain down on the household in a hellish rain of suffering. A short informal survey of parents’ friends revealed 10 gifts they really would like you not to give to your children because of the fear … that you will have to come and deal with the consequences.
1. Shine
Glitter is the number one scourge in the parenting world, worse than car disease, worse than diaper explosions (I found glitter in diaper explosions). At preschool, my son loved making sequin crafts that exploded around the house when they arrived home like a letter bomb that could not be completely cleared. Preschool ended three years ago, and I still knock glitter out of my eyebrows. So, if you’re considering offering a set of glitter art, ask yourself: Do I hate these parents ? If so, great, add some extra glitter.
2. Things to keep
I also appreciate a good deal for baby clothes, but 4T clothes for a nine month old just means that parents have to store them for three years. It may not seem like a big deal, but if you live in a small house, storage is at a premium, and honestly, if I store something, it’s like forgetting about it forever. I will find it many years after my kids learn to wear it, and then it will just be added to Good Will’s bag.
3. Noisy things
One musician friend had a musical toy that sang the words “do-re-mi” but sang the notes “do-so-do” – a failure so egregious that he thought about smashing the toy with a sledgehammer.
For a whole year, my son was fascinated by a large plastic cube that played “Old MacDonald had a farm” over and over – as the toy wore out, playback became slower and more distorted. I finally just disappeared. Karaoke, kazoo, tape recorders, and drum kits (unless approved by parents) also fall into this category.
Two friends of mine complained about Melissa and Doug’s musical puzzles , which they said often triggered in the middle of the night, forcing them to poke around in their nightgowns to find and destroy the lost pieces. Fun times!
4. Big things
This applies to the residents of the apartments, or, in fact, everyone who does not live on the ranch. One friend has a simple formula by which to determine if the toy is too big for her apartment:
length x width (inches) <donor age
Many toys that are suitable for children with a lot of soil are not suitable for children in the city. So toy lawn mowers aren’t available if your friends live in the pedestrian zone in Queens, okay? These toys are fine in principle, but they should live in your home.
5. Things for children older and younger than gifted
Skip toys that are too retractable for a toddler drone for a toddler is about to end up in tears. Craft kits for a 10 year old will only upset and anger a 4 year old. Consider the age on the box, or at least ask : my son liked Monopoly until he was 8, but he definitely wo n’t like the 12-12 age group LEGO set.
6. Weapons and other items prohibited by parents.
Here are some of the gifts my friends gave to the kids: Real grappling hooks. Real bows and arrows. The ball pit was given to a friend of a friend, and she had an enjoyable year throwing – and then having to clean up – dozens of little plastic balls. This category also includes electronics – if parents are trying to keep their kids safe from technology – or vats of candy.
7. Choking hazard, or items made up of millions of tiny parts.
Many toys are made up of many small parts. I am good about LEGO, but not many other things in this category. One friend’s kid got a choo-choo train with many small tiles to load and reload on the choo-choo train. Bonus: the baby kept putting the tile in her mouth. Some people categorize dump trucks and disassembled airplanes in this category, although my sons liked these things so much that I was ready to crawl under the furniture to pick up all the small parts.
8. Gender things, if the parents are not in this.
Several parents have complained about makeup kits and played in high heels for their little girls – the heels make clattering sounds on the floor and are unstable, causing more than one child to fly and fall flat on her butt (in fairness, this happens to older women as well). It is doubly unpleasant if the boy in the family receives something like a set of tools.
9. Anything that can become a chore or expense for a parent.
Like a toy that takes batteries but does not include batteries. Or things that lengthen the cleaning time by a few minutes or hours, such as thread, slime or kinetic sand, or a wet diaper doll that mom or dad will have to change right after they change their real baby’s diaper. Or anything that requires a subscription, such as electronic game settings that don’t come with games. Or Bunchems to be cut from a screaming baby’s hair. Or everything that you need to pack and send somewhere (for example, that set of bows and arrows that was sent to your grandmother). Or even the things, especially the little things that you think about: “Well, if they don’t like them, they can bring them to Goodwill.” Don’t make anyone run to Goodwill.
10. All living things
Do not buy living things without prior parental permission. Don’t buy an ant farm, for example. An ant farm that is about to break down eventually, sending millions of little ants to the kitchen.
Of course, if you really hate the parents of these babies, these are all great gifts. But be careful, at some point you may find yourself opening a gift-wrapped box with a pot-bellied pig.