When Can Weddings, Funerals and Other Important Events Be Neglected?
In an ideal world, you might like to spend most of your free time at weddings, birthdays, and other events in your loved one’s life cycle. But life, work and geographic boundaries often get in the way, making it difficult to attend every important event for every close friend and family member.
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So how do you decide when you should definitely go and when is it wise to skip? What can be done to soften the blow of the “no”?
We turned to etiquette experts and people in these difficult situations for advice. (Keep it bookmarked as a slew of wedding invitations will start piling up in the coming months.)
Put practical considerations first
Daniel Senning of the Emily Post Institute (and great-great-grandson of legendary ethicist Emily Post) says that while it’s a bit of a cliché, it’s true that “practicality is the foundation of good etiquette.”
You just can’t participate in every activity and you have to be pragmatic about which ones you can and which ones you can’t. People need to understand this.
“When I lived in California and my brother was in Vermont, he didn’t expect me to attend his children’s birthdays or even all the holidays,” says Sennings. “You just have to choose.”
Sometimes you get invited to one wedding after another and you just don’t have the vacation days or budget to accommodate them all. If it’s a matter of sorting between events to skip and which to attend, says Senning, keep track of which events you went to for that person; if you haven’t walked for a long time … try [to do it]. “
“I’m an expat with two children under the age of four, so I miss things all the time,” says Rebecca, 38, who is originally from Australia and now lives in New York with her family. “We go to as many weddings as we can, and if we can, we prioritize meeting people months before they die over funerals.”
In addition, she says, “It will be helpful if we can organize a vacation around a special event.”
Takeaway: Plan ahead and seriously study your calendar to figure out what is the most sensible to skip and visit.
Determine the relationship, the importance of the event, and “awe”
“We will give in to our parents, brothers and sisters, very close friends, and everyone else, we will do our best,” says Rebecca.
Depending on how far you live from the person who invited you, this is a useful rule of thumb for most of us – closer relationships will almost always have the highest priority.
“How you rate whether you go to a friend or family member event is relationship,” agrees Diane Gottsman, national etiquette expert, author of Modern Etiquette for a Better Life, and founder of the Texas School of Protocol . “If this is a very close friend, even if you need to move Heaven and Earth, you must leave.”
“People remember exactly how you conduct weddings and funerals,” she adds. “They will always remember who came and who didn’t.”
However, your decision to go or not, does not necessarily depend only on how close you are.
“The two great barometers are your personal relationship with them or your reverence for the individual,” says Elaine Swann , a Californian etiquette specialist. “If this is a second cousin, but you have an incredible relationship and you are very close, then by all means leave. And if this is an event for the grandmother you will never see, but who is the matriarch of the family, this is where the reverence comes in. ” This “respect” or respect sometimes takes precedence, especially when it comes to elderly relatives.
However, if someone is so angry at your decision not to be present that they completely stop talking to you, that doesn’t necessarily mean you were wrong and they were right. “Sometimes you have to understand that if it wasn’t for this upsetting them, it would be something else … It’s not about asking forgiveness from people, but about asking them to understand,” says Gottsman.
Send gifts … Most of the time
“The only event you should definitely send a gift to, whether you’re attending or not, is a wedding,” says Senning. “Otherwise, you can often use a map or a note,” he says.
Depending on how close your relationship is with your family, you might want to send a gift to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah that you can’t attend, Gottsman says, adding, “There is no specific dollar amount to give. It should be exactly what is convenient for you. “
And if you can’t arrange a funeral or graduation, then make a heartfelt note. “Be sure to make it personal and special,” adds Gottsman.
The decision about whether to send a graduation gift will also depend on the closeness of your relationship. If you are close family members or friends but simply cannot prioritize, send a gift. The amount of money you spend doesn’t matter as much as sending something thoughtful.
If you decide not to go, just express your regrets
While it’s tempting to explain in detail why you chose not to attend someone’s event, less is more here.
“We lived in London when we got married in Napa,” explains Rebecca. “Some really close friends told us they couldn’t come because they expected the flights to cost around £ 600, but they cost £ 800. In fact, they named the price for our relationship, and it was £ 200. I never stopped talking to them, but then I was disappointed for many years. ” In this case, the offering of features was decided not to visit more harmful, not less.
On the other hand, “to say, ‘We would like to come, but we just can’t get there right now,’ is perfectly acceptable,” says Rebecca.
Plus, “there’s a difference between reason and excuse,” Senning says. The difference depends on your sincerity. “If you are trying to justify your behavior or allow yourself to relax, that will be an excuse,” he explains, “but if you are sincere in explaining why you cannot do it, that is the reason.”
“I learned to never make excuses when people talked about my bridal shower, and some of them seemed funny to me,” says Kristen, 42, who lives in Brooklyn. “What is important to you may not seem important to someone else, so instead of risking hurting their feelings, I just tell them that I am sorry that I cannot do it.”
Rather than trying to justify your absence and suggesting too many details, Gottsman agrees: “You can just say, ‘I’m sorry I can’t come to your wedding, but there are some financial reasons I just can.’ do not do this. And I hope you understand. If I could, you know, I would be there for you. “
And while it goes without saying, don’t lie. “Always be honest. One lie begets another and begets another. Instead, keep it simple, don’t use excuses or reasons, ”Swann says.
“You have to share your regrets with both the laureate and the person planning the event if you think it is more attentive,” says Senning.
“And make sure the person planning it knows before you start telling others,” Swann says. You don’t want them to hear the news from someone else besides you.
Plus Swann adds, “Try to tell them as personally as possible. Avoid text messages – they can be too informal and feel distant. You want to send a sincere e-mail or make a phone call. “
Don’t put it off
“One thing that turns me on is that I always want to do more than I can, so I de facto put it off by saying no, which is the worst,” says 38-year-old Dana, who lives with his two children in Brooklyn. Seeking to be more considerate, she adds, “I always try to be more realistic and make decisions ahead of time so that the invitees get a lot of attention.”
Do your best to make and communicate your decision fairly quickly, and in the case of a wedding, well in advance of the date on the response card.
“No response does not mean effective denial,” Senning agrees. “Saying no to them is okay, but it’s much more difficult for the owner to deal with the question mark.”
You probably won’t regret the extra effort
While attending events can be costly and a lot of effort on your part, in most cases, you’ll be glad you spent the money and put in the effort.
“You never have to do anything and you can make any choice in your life, but think of it as an opportunity,” says Senning. “How often do you see your sister, uncle, mother or father?”
Ultimately, he says, “etiquette is about attitudes and social skills that foster good relationships. You respect these truly intimate personal relationships and family relationships, and forge every bond … They are often worth investing in, especially in family relationships, because they are for life, ”he says. “There is a certain currency.”