What to Say to Young Children Instead of “sharing”
When my daughter was little, she would go on dates with her toddler friends, and when the kids worked together making plasticine pizza, the parents would sit on the couch, open cans of rose wine, and engage in meaningful adult conversation.
Just kidding, this has never happened! Instead, these frantic gatherings usually consisted of many toy fights, crying, and mom and dad jumping up to assess the situation.
“Look, now she wants to play with the soft caterpillar. You need to share! “
“No, that’s okay! He was the first. Delia, don’t forget to share!”
In the end, the children would be disappointed as the adults gathered their belongings and hesitantly said, “It was fun. We have to do it again sometime. “
In life, generosity is good. Nancy Eisenberg, a student of empathy and empathy, has found that children become more generous when they have the experience of giving to others and learning how good it is, but there is a catch. The catch is that this should be voluntary .
Forcing a child to give up their toy / iPad / last peanut butter pretzel in the name of sharing not only makes the child unhappy and less likely to share, but also deprives him of the opportunity to develop real social maturity. Parenting educator Janet Lansbury writes that such adult intervention often convinces children that 1) they always need an adult to determine fairness, 2) a material object is more important than interaction with each other, and 3) any “struggle “. According to former preschool educator Magda Gerber, “fighting is a normal part of human relationships.” Gerber believed that the sooner the children understand this, the better they will be.
Here’s what to say instead of “share”:
Nothing – just hold on and wait
It can be difficult not to get involved in every conflict, especially if your child picks up the toy. Lansbury suggests asking the other parent a question like, “Do you want me to end the fights immediately or give them a chance to sort it out?” If the other parent wants you to intervene, do so. “I believe in protecting our children from being seen as bullies or bullies,” Lansbury writes.
But if all parents agree with this, just stay close and see if the kids can handle it on their own. Lansbury adds that if kids start physically fighting, be sure to step in.
“Sportscast” Situation
It simply means presenting what is happening in a neutral tone, like a sports commentator. For example, “Emmeline and Jake want the same fire truck.” This allows their concerns to be heard without your involvement as the ruling party.
“Wait until she finishes.”
Heather Schumaker, author of Everything’s OK, Don’t Share and Other Apostasy Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Children, is a proponent of Child-Centered Queuing. A child who plays with a toy may have enough time. “When a child participates in creative play or his own exploration of the world, this is the highest form of learning that he can do at the moment, and she does it,” Schumaker tells Mother magazine . So interrupting her is not only disrespectful, but also interfering with her studies. “
If the child has waited for a long time, he may voice his disappointment. “It helps kids on long shifts to understand that their actions affect others,” explains Schumaker on his website . “In the meantime, the expectant child is learning delayed gratification and how to deal with negative emotions, vital skills.” For groups of children, she recommends making a waiting list where children can write down their names and check when they next get up.
Eventually, kids will want to share how adults model how to share. You can tell your kids how good you feel when you share something or when someone shares something with you. They’ll pick up on the generous vibes, and who knows? Next time, they might even give you more than half a cookie.