How to Talk to Children About LGBTQ + Families
When my wife and I decided to become parents together, I was ready to discuss our family with adults. As a queer woman, I have had to constantly “go out” and explain who I am for years – every new job or move was an occasion to tell new colleagues that I was not really heterosexual. What I was less prepared for was talking about my queer family with kids. I thought it would be several years before I had to explain my family to the children, and of course by then I would be ready.
I actually had a little less than two years. The moment our toddler was old enough to chase after big kids, questions began to come. At first I was stunned, but the conversations about human differences turned out to be quite simple and straightforward.
Here are a few things that have helped me when talking with children about a wide variety of families:
Be more simple
While kids may be curious, they probably don’t need to listen to a dissertation on LGBTQ + rights through the ages or the complexities of sperm and egg donation. They want simple facts.
Some families have a mom and a dad, but some families have two mums or two dads, or tons of other possibilities! There are many different types of families, but what is important is that families love and care for each other.
These are simple facts that most children can understand. This may be the most obvious tip, but it is also the most important one.
But avoid oversimplification
While simplicity is good, you also need to make sure you are telling the truth. Sometimes, when trying to simplify, it’s easy to omit things or even say things that are completely untrue. A statement like “babies are born out of mom’s bellies” may sound wonderful and harmless, but in fact it is not in all cases. and may even be harmful. For example, some transgender men can and are carrying pregnancies, and they are definitely not moms.
To avoid these mistakes, you will have to examine your own biases. If you’re wrong, don’t worry, just fix it.
Do not wait
Many parents want to talk about these issues “naturally” and “when they arise.” In practice, this means waiting until a child meets a gay or a child with gay parents and letting them ask questions. I understand the call, but don’t do it.
Children are constantly receiving messages from society, whether we are aware of it or not. If you wait until you come face to face with a queer family to talk about marital disagreements, who knows what they’ve learned already? It also places an unfair responsibility on the first non-heterosexual parents with whom the child interacts.
Instead of asking LGBTQ + representatives to be ambassadors, talk to children early about different types of families.
Use books
Whether you know real LGBTQ families or not, you might want to jump in for some books. Picture books can serve as examples when they are not in front of you, and for most young children they are a big part of their world anyway. Sometimes, they may also suggest language that parents or guardians may encounter.
I really like What Makes a Baby by Corey Silverberg. It never mentions gay people, but it does tell the origins of children without making assumptions and leaving room for a wide variety of families. Other great books include Todd Parr ‘s Family Book and Susan Meyers’ Babies Everywhere .
Keep track of your assumptions
I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve met who think they’re open and accepting, but then turn around and think their own kids are straight. When I was pregnant, my friend and daughter even said: “I hope you have a boy so that they get married!” Comments like “when you have a boyfriend” and “when you have a girlfriend” clearly tell the kids that you don’t accept queer people as much as you say you do.
Instead, try statements such as “your future partner” or, better yet, “your future partner, if you have one,” to make it clear that you agree with whatever future your child chooses and reaffirm that all families are good.
Keep talking
For most children, one conversation is really not enough. They expect adults in their lives to show them what is and isn’t, and you can do that by making sure queer families are not a problem.
After all, not only do you want your kids to respect LGBTQ + families, you never know, they might end up in the same family one day!