How to Use the Princess Bride As a Reference Point in Relationships
Ethan Nichtern was 9 years old when The Princess Bride hit the big screen 30 years ago. Then he watched the film because of family ties – Nichtern’s father was best friends with actor Christopher Guest, aka Count Rügen, aka Six-Fingered Man.
Although Rob Reiner’s film had a poor box office, it has become a cult classic. And for Nichtern, a teacher of the Buddhist tradition of Shambhala, it became a lifelong passion and the basis of his new book “Dharma of the Princess Bride: What the Coolest Fairy Tale of Our Time Can Teach Us About Buddhism and Relationships . “
Nichtern says he had many people who told him they had no idea how to be in a relationship and looked at him as if his Buddhist studies meant he knew how to put them together well. (His most recent book, The Road Home , published in 2015, focused on a contemporary overview of the Buddhist path.) What he hoped to do with this book was more than just transparently presenting his life, his memoir style, and making it recognizable … cultural storytelling through film, but also “decipher this notion that there is a kind of experience or skill when, in fact, I think people who are good at it are just willing to practice.”
“I’m not arguing that this is a Buddhist film,” Nichtern adds, “but one of the things I find very Buddhist about it is the deconstruction of a kind of clichéd genre, fairytale fantasy. And so it undermines, it makes fun of it in almost every possible way, but it also completely works like a fairy tale … Most deconstructions are much more cynical, much more apathetic or negative, as if everything we believed was some kind of myth. there is no good guy and so on. But this is a deconstruction that really makes you think about true love. “
“I would say The Princess Bride is an example of optimistic deconstruction, and that’s what Buddhism is,” he adds. “This is a deconstruction of a kind of given narrative, but it leads you to more openness or compassion, and, in this case, it is a deconstruction that says true love is the essence of everything.”
In light of this, Nichtern, in his book, offers ways to improve all the important relationships in our life.
As you wish – start with yourself
“The founder of my tradition […] said that the purpose of meditation is to make friends with oneself,” says Nichtern. “I updated this for the Facebook era on The Way Home and said meditation is about accepting your own friend request. This means that you are really spending time with yourself. “
Nichtern explains that unless we have a process of befriending our own mind in some solitude (such as meditation or other mindfulness practices), we will always enter into relationships that define our self-worth based on how we think of others. people think about us.
Finding Inner Fezzik – Focus on Friendship
The Nihtern is partial to the character Fezzik (played by Andre the Giant) because he describes him as “an ideal bodhisattva, an incredibly compassionate person in the Buddhist tradition.” Fezzik is just helping out throughout the film, like a loving friend. But another component of the friendship that Nichtern says is remarkable in The Princess Bride has to do with the Dread Pirate Roberts. Viewers think that when he is paralyzed, it will play out as “a kind of libertarian story of Batman, where a lone hero must awaken and defeat on his own, but in fact he is completely incapacitated and must rely on his wacky friends.”
Self-confidence and self-awareness are great, Nichtern says, but one piece of advice he gives about building the types of friendships you see in The Princess Bride is to see time with friends as practice. “I often think that we think time spent with friends is unimportant,” he says. Instead, we should view it as the same as any spiritual or yogic practice that helps you develop a sense of trust and inspiration.
Love and “Mahwage” – don’t forget romance
When desire creeps into relationships, pushing them towards romantic status, according to Nichtern, one piece of advice is to recognize that while desire can lead to all kinds of fixation (control, clinging, addictive), it is the element that allows us to see. outside our own point of view.
“If we’re going to enter the arena of romance, sexuality or partnership, [we need to] really make friends with desire, not vilify it, treat desire like a costly plant,” explains Nichtern. “So this is a friend, but this is a friend with whom we have to be careful and know.”
As he writes in his book, “Anyone who has ever gotten their Buttercup […] knows that the Buttercup you chase will never be the Buttercup you end up getting because your starting point is constantly changing. when you dance with desire. “
“Fred Savage is a jerk, and I am Fred Savage” – the focus of the family
The Nihtern tells us, “I really like this quote from Chogyam Trungpa:” Perhaps you can get enlightenment everywhere except your family. “
Nichten believes that passing on the story of the Princess Bride (in other words, the grandfather reads this story to his grandson) shows how we can develop gratitude for our life story when we receive it and develop gratitude for our ancestry before we try to enter her. more painful areas, “because there is a chance that there will be a fair amount of painful areas.”
“The realization that family is the most important, and often the most difficult, can indeed, to use the perhaps overused term these days, provoke shockingly violent reactions.”