Stop Saying You Are a “single Parent” When Your Partner Is Temporarily Absent.
The announcement is usual:
“Dan is on a business trip, so this week I’ll be a single mom with two boys. SEND ALL WINE, PLZ. “
“Ellie has to work late every night before the deadline, so I’m practically a single dad. The child is in hysterics while I cook dinner. I love you, Ellie, please don’t ever leave me. “
“Just got home from a three-hour flight with a baby. Worldly single parents, I totally understand you. This is a real fight! “
Such phrases are common in the parental country, and they often evoke instant sympathy from friends who have been there. Taking care of a child is difficult. If you do it alone, temporarily, it is temporarily more difficult. But for all of us who have a partner who offers support in any form, physical, emotional or financial, let’s settle for the hyperbolic descriptor of “single parent”. Why? Because it devalues the work of real single parents.
“If you break your arm, you don’t call yourself disabled,” writer Rachel Simmons, a true single mother, writes for Slate . “You are raising children alone, but you are not a single mother. Your challenge is temporary, your relief is just around the corner. Why does your temporary inconvenience hide my identity? “
This is not true. WhileWikipedia says that “there is no true definition of what ‘single parent’ means and it is more based on opinions,” in reality, when we take on the burden of one group to draw attention to our own problems, we dilute existing problems. Of course, there is a wide range of privileges among single parents – those who are raising children without a partner, by choice or otherwise – but it is important to acknowledge some facts: among single parents, 83% are mothers . Only a third of single mothers receive child support . The poverty rate in families with single mothers is almost five times higher than in families of married couples. The worst is the case in families headed by women of color .
Plus, supporting a partner, tribesman, or ex, even if it’s not quite what you imagined, differentiates your parenting experience from that of single parenting, so respect that. In a Scary Mom article titled “ You Can’t Be a Single Mom If You’re Not a Single Mom, ” Liane Cole shares what it really means to be a single parent: guilt, loneliness, spending money babysitting if you just need a haircut or smear. “Responsibility for my child’s future, studies, friendship, classes, social skills, emotional adaptation, health, self-esteem, happiness, ability to trust, confidence, resilience, behavior and needs lies with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, forever, ”writes Cole.
She is also grateful every day for her life with her son, whom she loves immensely. See, single parents are allowed to complain that they are single parents. All parents are allowed to complain that they are parents (because, really, what would our drinking conversations be like otherwise?). But all parents cannot complain that they are single parents.
As a parent-partner, I know that if I have a bad cold, I can get some NyQuil and a drink and my husband will be consistent enough in the event of an emergency. I know I can use the toilet at the airport without having to stuff my suitcase, stroller, diaper bag and writhing baby in a tiny booth every time. I know I can knock in the middle of a raging preschool tantrum and hide in a corner until I regain my composure. I know I have a reserve.
Therefore, if my husband is not in the city, I will tell my friends: “I will be alone until Wednesday.” I’m pretty sure they’ll come and bring wine anyway.