We Tried the $ 5 Target Wine and It Hurt a Little
It’s good to drink, but it’s better to drink cheap, so I was very excited when my editor alerted me to the existence of California Roots , an exclusive line of wines that only cost $ 5 a bottle.
Although five dollars is not a huge amount of dollars, it is still five dollars, which I don’t want you to waste. That money could buy a breakfast sandwich, some candy bars, or a photo booth to remember a good evening , like I did with Patrick and Patrick when we were all in New York .
My point is that a small price tag isn’t enough for me to suggest you buy something, so I went to Target and bought all five bottles of this supposed vineyard to table good. This made the cashier grin and ask me “is my day good,” as if he knew me and my life.
Although I have very discerning tastes when it comes to gin and whiskey, my taste for wines is not that advanced, so I decided to invite my friend Lisa as Lisa not only knows her wine, but also feels comfortable with her snobbery. there can only be a Sagittarius.
The California Roots line includes five varieties or blends: Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay, Red Blend, Cabernet Sauvignon and Moscato. We tried them in that order, leaving Moscato for last as we thought it would be pretty sweet. (We also ate hodgepodge and drank tap water between each wine to cleanse our taste, but also because I love hodgepodge.)
When I opened the first bottle, I noticed to Lisa that using a plastic cork was very annoying for me, as a screw cap would be perfectly acceptable for this price point. Also, if you’re going to pretend to be trendy, use at least a real cork. There is no plastic stopper in any place and it slows down wine consumption while being extremely sticky.
Anyway. Let’s talk about wine.
White
I’ve always found shitty white wine to be harder to drink than shitty red wine, so I was most nervous about that.
Pinot Grigio
- What was promised: “The bright aromas of citrus and tropical fruits will allow you to enjoy the freshness and pacification of summer at any time of the year.”
- What was delivered: It was a wine of medium consistency, slightly syrupy, slightly effervescent (why?) With a papaya aroma and other vague tropical aromas. It was pretty sour and very ethanol, and actually burned our throats a little, kind of like a tiny shot.
- Did we drink the whole bottle? No. Neither Lisa nor I managed to take more than five sips.
- What could you use it for? I think you can cook from this.
Chardonnay
- What was promised: “The lush tropical fruit flavor and bright aftertaste will take you to the farmers’ market on a warm sunny day.”
- What was delivered: after sniffing it, Lisa noticed that it smelled like “rubber apples” and she was right. It was a much thinner, less acidic wine with a taste of golden apples, citrus heart and (as Lisa pointed out) a garden hose in the back palate. (I defined “garden hose” as “regular rubber,” so it’s good that Lisa was there.)
- Did we drink the whole bottle? Lisa didn’t finish her glass, but watched me finish my own. I didn’t top up.
- What could you use it for? I would not buy this wine for pure drinking. I guess you can use it in a spritzer or white wine sangria, but due to its incredibly light body, it will be easily overpowered by other ingredients, which can be good or bad.
Moscato
- What was promised: “The delicate aromas and creamy aromas of peach and melon make every day a little special.”
- What Was Delivered: Since we last tried it my notes are a little hard to read, but they contain gems like “Smells like Blueberry Morning Flakes,” “Escada Drinking Perfume,” and “BAD,” scribbled angrily in all caps. … Lisa’s observations were a little more accurate, as she noted a lot of residual sugar, no alcohol burn, and a “peachy Jolly Rancher” flavor.
- Did we drink the whole bottle? No. No, we didn’t.
- What could you use it for? Nothing.
Of all the white varieties, Chardonnay turned out to be the best. I wouldn’t buy it again, but I wouldn’t be pissed off if someone put it up at a house party or poured it into a punch. It should be noted that Chard is the only one who did not make Lisa shut her mouth a little, but she is a Moon in Pisces and is therefore very sensitive. (I didn’t choke at all.) Let’s see what the Reds did.
Red
As I mentioned earlier, cheap red is usually easier to digest than cheap white, so I was thrilled to find a gem in one of these bottles.
Red mix
- What was promised: “Soft berry and cherry aromas with hints of spice are the perfect antidote to the work week.”
- What Was Delivered: It was a red jam flavored with cherries, ultra-ripe blackberries, and a touch of vanilla. It smelled like tobacco, but like cigarette tobacco. It had a little tannin in it, and Lisa thought it tasted very alcoholic. I didn’t think it was ethanol, but I drink a lot of cold gin (for fun).
- Did we drink the whole bottle? No, but Lisa (again) watched me finish my glass.
- What could you use it for? Lisa suggested Kalimotxo and I couldn’t agree with that. A couple of bottles of this drink and a box of Coca-Cola would make the party really cheap and delicious. It is also likely to drink perfectly on its own if you whip it up with a blender first .
Cabernet Sauvignon
- What was promised: “Juicy cherry aromas, oak shades and a delicate aftertaste will lift even the simplest pleasures.”
- What Was Delivered: This wine smelled of dates and raisins, with just a little pepper. It was jam, alcoholic drink and not very tannin. Lisa felt that the grapes in this wine – and, frankly, all the others we tasted – were “obviously grown in a very warm place,” as each blend tasted super ripe.
- Did we drink the whole bottle? No, and none of us finished our glass.
- What could you use it for? Sangria. I definitely wouldn’t eat it with a steak because it’s just not fat enough for that, but it could be paired with another drink and a bunch of fruit.
Of everything we’ve tried, the only bottle I’ll buy again is Red Blend, which I probably use for the above Kalimoto situation. It is also the only bottle that I will finish drinking from a glass. The rest, apart from Moscato, will probably go towards cooking.