What If You Are a Man in Love With Your Lesbian Roommate
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .
This week we have a man who fell in love with his lesbian friend. Oh yeah, they’re the new roommates!
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
Hi, Patrick,
There is this girl, and after we became quite close friends for a while, I realized that I liked her. Not wanting to simply yearn for her and believing that I was seeing some sign of mutual attraction, I decided to ask her out on a date. First she agreed to a date, and then she wanted to wait after the summer because she was going to leave the country for several months. While that wasn’t the best result, I thought I’d better give her some space and see what happens when the summer is over.
After she returned to the village, we decided to have a quick coffee where I told her how I still feel for her and want to ask her out on a date. It was then that she came up to me and said that she was gay. Obviously it was a little unexpected, but I respect her decision and obviously understand why she doesn’t see anything between the two of us.
The problem is that, although I understand this and respect her decision and appreciate what she was willing to tell about me, she still attracts me very much. While I don’t take this rejection personally and really want us to just go back to the platonic relationship we had before, I feel like this long-standing attraction I have for her is getting in the way. The most interesting thing is that she is also a new housemate (which happened before I realized that I was attracted to me), so I see her at home every day, and it did not help me move on. When it first happened, I thought I could move on faster because I literally can’t do anything about it, but it turned out that it wasn’t, and I was very disappointed in myself. At the same time, I feel like she is pulling back a little because I don’t think she wants to send me the wrong signal, which makes me even more upset. Should I do something? Are my expectations simply unrealistic? Am I just impatient and will time decide this in the future?
Sincerely
Frustrated guy
Hi frustrated guy:
You did the right thing when you went ahead and asked her out , but I have a feeling she didn’t understand that you asked her out . This is probably why she agreed to it at all. Then, when she realized that you were referring to some kind of romantic encounter, she decided to push it back. Partly because she was leaving, partly because she wanted everything to cool down, and partly because she was not ready for you, which is a big deal.
Now, before we proceed, listen to my words: if you get any of this, F.F., you need to know that there was no “solution.” She didn’t decide to be gay in order not to date you. She is gay because she is gay. This has nothing to do with you! Zero, zilch, nada, goose egg! So, the only choice you have to respect is her decision to be honest and tell you something so personal. Keypesh?
In any case, you still like her, despite what she told you, and you also live with her. Uf. First, I would advise you to look around and see if you can spot poor lighting, multiple cameras, or a studio audience because you might be trapped in a sitcom. If it isn’t, you just have to wait. Here’s the harsh truth (are you ready?): She can always attract you. It may never go away. But you can’t be with her frustrated boyfriend, and you don’t need to be upset about yourself. This was all a basic misunderstanding that gets fanned by your emotions, man. Remember, this is probably also very strange for her . The more awkward you do this, avoiding her and acting frustrated with the situation, the more uncomfortable she will feel around you. I mean, of course, she will go away if you are sad and yearning for her!
But while you wait for this to end, FF, there are some powerful things you can do to speed up the process. Start by normalizing your relationship as much as possible. Start a simple conversation about everyday things, or talk about things that the two of you have talked about a lot. Avoid talking about this mess as much as possible, but if it comes up organically, say it was stupid and that you’re sorry you made it so awkward. If you want to get things back to how they were before, you must act this way. You can also go back to the dating pool. If you want to move on, you have to move on, you know? Join an online dating service, go to bars or clubs if you like, or talk to single natural girls at a local event. Your friend may feel less awkward with you if she sees you going on a date.
You’re stuck in this rut because you want what you can’t have, Disappointed Fella, but you need to see her every day. Change your surroundings a little, focus on what you might have, and look back at the whole thing as a funny story. Everything will be all right – she is not “the one”. If she was like that, she would not be a lesbian.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and foggy inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT WRITE TO ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY HAS BEEN REMOVED . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.