How to Teach Children to Protect Their Marginalized Peers
The parents I have encountered want to raise children who will fight injustice. They take their children to rallies. They start talking early and often about race , gender, sexual orientation, and physical ability. They present books on the fight for equality . And children understand this – they are remarkably concerned with fairness and critical thinking.
However, when it comes to those big challenges that jump out of the classroom, basketball court, or school cafeteria, the ones that come in the form of an Islamophobic remark or “this is so much fun”, a curse or a joke about someone’s “symbol” black friend ”, it’s hard to see how kids (or heck even adults) will react. Will they stand up for their marginalized peers? Will they interfere even if their friends are sitting in awkward silence? Will they be “supporters” instead of outside observers ?
Unless they are outspoken by nature, perhaps not without some mentoring. In these stressful moments, it is easier to hold back and remain silent. It’s not enough for parents to tell their kids, “Don’t tolerate racism, sexism, eilism and homophobia,” and then call their job done. They need to teach them what to say in response and how to say it. And it looks like there will be plenty of opportunities for children to speak up in 2017 – the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) reports the rise of “uncivilized political discourse” in school classrooms across the country.
I spoke with Amy Hickel, volunteer coordinator for White Nonsense Roundup , a social media task force that brings white people together to speak out against racism online. She and her husband help their 12-year-old daughter Lily feel strong enough to withstand the hurtful and destructive comments she hears. “In later elementary and high school, children know which comments are wrong,” says Hickel. “They just need their parents to support them and tell them that they are strong enough to say, ‘This is not okay.”
Here’s how to teach your children to stand up for others:
Develop empathy
Lily told her parents that after the election, several children at her school excitedly shared what their parents said, such as, “They will send all these people back to Mexico and then we will have all our jobs back! “They talked about it at home. Amy says, “I asked her, ‘How does this make you feel? “Does it feel right to you? Do you think this comment offended anyone in your class? How would you feel if your parents were expelled? “
Children naturally understand fairness and equity – young children are obsessed with this concept . They know when they face injustice, even if they don’t have the words to explain it yet. But empathy for others is something to learn, says Hickel. This means that you need to constantly help them take the place of other people. When it comes to racist, sexist or insensitive remarks, Amy tells her daughter, “You won’t tolerate someone else telling you this, so why would you let them say that to someone else?”
Give them a specific language to use
Even if the children have developed empathy, it is simply difficult to speak on the spot. They need to know what to say and, as with any skill, they need to practice it. Hickel and her spouse think of this as giving Lily a toolbox – they keep adding certain words and phrases that she can pull out on the fly if a situation arises.
For example, if Lily hears someone say “this is so fun” or “this sucks” or is joking racist, she often says, “Hey, what does this mean to you? Why is this funny? “- what her parents taught her. More often than not, a person steps back and says something like, “Well, okay. I was just joking “. And then Lily will say, “It wasn’t very funny.” Children can also say, “You sound like a bully,” Hickel suggests. They understand bullying terminology.
If a friend is commenting or joking, the child may say, “I know you don’t mean anything offensive when you say this, but these words can really hurt people.”
You can also act out different scenarios with your children. Teach them to look more confident by looking in the eyes, in a firm tone, and most importantly, by genuinely believing in what they are saying.
Encourage them to use their body too.
Hickel notes that children can also stand up for others with their bodies, and she tells her daughter that if someone is teased on the bus or in the cafeteria, she can come and sit next to him. “Just placing your physical body between [the victim] and the aggressor is one way to mitigate this situation,” says Amy. “Adding your body to the numbers increases the likelihood that the aggressor will back down.”
To add to the line of defense, a child can go with a couple of friends. However, if the situation is likely to escalate into physical abuse, she should tag an adult.
Give them permission to act
There are risks associated with using the voice, and parents should remind their children of this. It’s always easier to step back, think, “I really don’t want to interfere,” convince yourself that this is okay and that the kids will be just kids. Admit it.
Amy says she will always support her daughter when it comes to protecting her friends, even if it gets her into trouble at school. “We tell her, ‘It’s important that you say something, even if it’s hard, even if it’s not good in the stomach.’ After all, you have to know that what you are doing is important. ” Continue to let them know that you are on their side.