How to Clear an Argument With a Few Words
I really dislike confrontation and will do everything in my power to avoid most controversies. However, like anyone else, I keep getting caught up in some of them. I’ve read a ton of different techniques for dealing with stressful situations, but this week I heard a great piece of advice: “Just ask what they want out of the argument.” The speaker attributed this to Oprah that while it may be true, I cannot find any records for her to ever say this. But that’s good advice.
The idea is that while I actively avoid conflict, some people actively pursue it. While they may have a target in mind when they start screaming, that target can be confused by a lot of emotion and lost in translation or may not be uttered at all.
For example, you might be upset that your spouse forgot your birthday, but instead you get upset about dirty dishes, an open window, or a cluttered bedside table. The other person thinks that you are just suddenly upset by the mess, which can be confusing if this is not your normal MO. When your spouse doesn’t understand why you are upset, it can upset you even more, and the whole situation can spiral out of control.
Instead, respond to the argument with a calm and respectful request, asking what the other person is trying to accomplish in the fight.
Hopefully this helps him or her either tell you what the problem is, or take a look at the situation and understand what they really want from her is a hug and a snack, or maybe they just want to apologize for some mistake. which you made them. you don’t even realize. By asking, you can get to the root of the problem faster and hopefully avoid all of the epic combat of the conflict. Or, at the very least, you suggest listening to the person’s fears first, which is often the subject of a fight.
Once you hear what the problem is, you can respond (again, calmly and respectfully) and discuss their concerns. Or better yet, you can simply answer, “I hear you,” because you actually heard them. You may still disagree, but in some cases this is still okay. Often times, simply admitting that you hear and understand the other person’s point of view can be enough to end the conflict (or at least start a productive dialogue about it) while maintaining your friendship / marriage / job.