Use “The Story I Make up …” When You Are Upset About Someone
On the beach I go to during the summer, a gaggle of other mothers and their children have camped in the shade of the trees, just like me and my children. I got to know some of them a bit this summer – good enough to say hello, exchange information about sunscreen and babysitters, talk about our work, and so on.
And yet this group of mothers are more connected to each other than any of them to me, and for some time this summer it bothered me a little: I heard them making plans for walks and playing on dates for their children. and I couldn’t help but feel a little left out. And since I’m a moderately anxious person (I used to think it was social anxiety, but in fact it’s all anxiety), I immediately came to my worst interpretation: they didn’t like me. Obviously I said something strange. Or worse, I was a fundamentally strange person, the walking embodiment of the red flag of friendship.
When you feel rejected, ignored, or otherwise upset, tell your partner or friend, “The story I am writing …” and then describe your interpretation of the events that are taking place.
At this point, I stumbled upon an interview with Brena Brown , author of The Great Insolence and a leading voice on the topic of shame and vulnerability . In an interview, Brown describes what she believes to be her number one ploy in relationships: to say (when you feel rejected, ignored, or otherwise upset) to your partner or friend, “The story I’m making is … ”, and then describe your interpretation of the events taking place.
Brown gives an example of swimming in a lake with her husband and “betting” on a romantic relationship, but twice dismisses it with short answers. “It hurts,” she told him, “I’m making up a story: either you looked at me while I was swimming and thought,“ Dude, she’s getting old. ” She can’t even swim freestyle. Or you saw me and thought, ” She doesn’t fucking rock the speedometer like she did twenty-five years ago.”
Is it rational? No. But saying these words to her husband opens up a conversation that 1) makes him understand that she feels ignored, and 2) recognizes that there are elements that she may not understand. The preface “the story I tell myself” allows for the possibility that the speaker may be wrong. It’s infinitely better than Brown’s stub: “You don’t want to talk to me because I look fat in a bikini, huh? Well, fuck you, man! “and falls off. (We all know people who do such things; we don’t want to be people who do such things.)
It turned out that her husband actually had a panic attack in the water and was trying to stay calm until they got to the pier.
I love this technique because it is a way to practice empathy, which in my personal study of social skills is the number one quality that separates socially adapted people from paranoid psychos. They have it in friendship, romantic relationships, and casual acquaintances. They do not automatically jump to worst-case interpretations because they assume that other people may have experiences they are unaware of.
Re: Beach Moms: I’m going to march up to them and say, “I’m telling myself a story that you all don’t like me because I’m weird”? NO. That would be fucking banana and manipulative and would definitely define me as the craziest mother on earth, and to be honest, my kids have enough problems.
But I can say a phrase to myself, and I can even say, go back to myself, “these mothers have known each other for years, their children go to the same school, and the same age, and you just met them ten minutes back. It takes time to develop friendships. ”
And I will probably try it in my relationship with my husband, who tends to have long interruptions in silence, which I often interpret as boredom or annoyance (and which tend to arise from email conversations at work or family.) mail / text, in which I do not participate.).
If you, like me, tend to view interpersonal events as negative, when they are truly neutral or even positive, this might be a good start to retrace your thinking – if you preface it, “the story I tell myself.” out loud or not.
And if I see you on the beach, say hello. Otherwise, you won’t believe the story I’m telling myself.