How to Gracefully Avoid Sensitive Topics of Conversation
Next weekend is my annual family reunion. It’s across the country, so I’m not going, but my dad is currently considering going. When we talked about this week’s event, he talked about how he wanted to go and see everyone, but he also wanted to avoid many different topics of conversation. As with all families, we have things we would rather not talk about and he worried that he would end up in a bunch of awkward conversations when people asked him about things he did not want to discuss and he was forced to answer and get a lot of awkward convoys. My advice: make a plan.
I started coming up with a conversation plan about 20 years ago when my mom was first battling cancer. My home life was tough at the time, and I desperately didn’t want to constantly talk about it every time I left the house, but wherever I went, people always beat me with the standard “How’s your mom?” I answered honestly for a while, talking about how she had trouble eating or how she spent a few days in the hospital earlier this week. This detailed answer would turn into a much longer conversation than I wanted. Once I made an amazing discovery: no one cares.
To say that no one cared is a bit extreme, I think on some level they really wanted my mom to be okay. The answer they were looking for when they asked about her was, “Great!” Nobody really wanted to hear about all the terrible things that had happened in the weeks and months since they last asked. They asked out of courtesy, and I answered also out of courtesy, but in fact the conversation shouldn’t have taken place at all.
So, I came up with a standard answer for every church trip / party / event that answered the question, but never went into details. It turns out he replied, “She’s still fighting!” or “She’s back home, I’m sure she would like to hear from you!” had the same effect as detailed descriptions of chemotherapy and hospital visits. In truth, all these people knew my mom, they knew her phone number and where we lived. If they really wanted to know how she was doing, they would have asked her themselves, and not brought it up by accident when they bumped into me at the grocery store.
Scheduled conversations aren’t complete proof, of course, but as someone who hates small talk, they can be a lifesaver in situations like family reunions where there are multiple topics you don’t want to talk about.
I told my dad to just answer the questions he didn’t want to answer with a very short, slurred answer, and then immediately change the subject to something slightly related to what he really wanted to talk about.
The original question that asked the question will most likely not notice the transition, and if they do, it will be inconvenient to revert to the original question after the topic change, so they are unlikely to do so.
Here are some examples of how to do this:
Q: How is the sale of my mother’s house progressing? [ It’s a trash can fire ]
A: Goes! Last week when I was there, I dined at a barbecue restaurant near her house. Did you eat pork stew there? It’s tasty. I was thinking about buying myself a smoker …
Q: Why didn’t your brother come? [ You haven’t spoken for years ]
A: He has been keeping aloof lately. I’m sure he would like to hear from you. You should call him! How is X doing?
Q: How is work? [ You were recently fired ]
A: I am studying [random field], I really love it. Bobby just got a promotion at work. Have you talked to him about this? It sounds great!
The key to success in this is a prepared answer that answers the question in some way, as well as the planned turn of the conversation. With my mother, I always had one simple story that I could share with everyone. She eventually moved into a nursing home and was in charge of the library. Everyone I know knew about this library because it was a safe, moderately personal story that I could tell people. Personal history was enough for people to feel that the question was answered and move on.
You certainly won’t be able to survive a family reunion by distracting conversations (or maybe you can), but if there are a few tricky topics that you definitely want to avoid, a little forward planning can ensure you don’t have to deal with them. …