How to Stop Having Sex With Your Partner
There are many perfectly normal reasons for not wanting to have sex when your partner initiates: you are exhausted, you are distracted, you have other things to do, you are just not in the mood. Unfortunately, most of us don’t know how to turn down partners.
Even in the best of circumstances, getting rejected for sexual bites. In a long-term relationship, consistent rejection can ultimately lead to resentment. In some ways, frustration can escalate to the point of ruining the relationship. The stakes are high. Therefore, it is important for us to do everything right.
Some time ago I wrote an article on how to start sex in a way that will make your partner want to say yes. Today I will share tips on how to deny your partner sex in such a way that he really brings you closer, not apart.
Recognize their initiation
Starting sex always makes you feel vulnerable. You flaunt yourself and ask for what you want. You also put yourself in a position to be rejected.
When your partner initiates, take a moment to confirm the invitation. At this point, initiation may seem unpleasant to you if you are not in the mood, but it is important to appreciate their vulnerability. Don’t ignore their invitation or pretend you didn’t hear them. Just say something simple, like, “I appreciate your asking,” or “I’m glad you want me right now.” Then move on to some of the other steps I’ve outlined below.
Don’t make fun of their desires
Your partner will sometimes initiate sex when you cannot even imagine that someone is interested in sex. Maybe you just put the baby to bed and you have vomit in your hair and poop on your hands. Or maybe you just got back from a hard run and are sweating in places you never knew existed.
Try your best not to blurt out, “Would you like to have sex NOW? Are you laughing? “Not only will your partner feel rejected, they will also receive a nice feed of humiliation.
Actually think about their invitation
Even the most sexually compatible couples rarely want sex at the same time. Chances are very high that you will not be interested in sex the moment your partner initiates it. For this reason, it is important to give yourself time to consider if you want sex.
There are several ways to do this:
- Ask yourself, “Can I see if I’m aroused?” Or: “Am I open to communication with my partner right now?” These questions make it clear that you don’t have to be turned on right at this moment. You just have to be open to the possibilities of it.
- Give yourself more time. Say, “Give me ten minutes to finish this letter. Once I’m out of my head, I can see if I’m ready for this. ”
If you are unsure, this is not a problem. You can always tell your partner, “I don’t know how I feel. I’m going to start sorting out and see where that leads. ”If you don’t get turned on, you don’t need to continue.
See if you want to do something else
When it comes to sex, most couples have a routine (read: routine). They do the same thing over and over. If your partner starts with you, you’re probably thinking about the same boring old routine that you always find yourself in, and that probably doesn’t sound particularly tempting. (This is a great excuse to shake up the room, but that’s another article.)
When your partner initiates, this is an opportunity to see if there is something else that might interest you at the moment. Let’s say you and your partner don’t usually have sex. At this particular moment, you may not want to have intercourse, but you are not averse to having dirty talk while your partner is masturbating. Suggest this instead! Even if you don’t want to have sex, you can still spend some time intimate.
Give a reason
To be clear, you are allowed to say no to sex for no specific reason. It’s your body – you decide what you want to do with it. But hearing a specific reason why you’re not ready at this point can soften the blow for your partner. If they understand that you are worried about an upcoming presentation or worried about your mom’s health, they will be more understanding and less likely to hurt their feelings.
Providing a specific reason will also help you better understand when you are open to sex and when you are not. I’ll talk about this later.
Give up sex, not your partner
Explaining the reason also helps your partner know that you are giving up sex at the moment for that specific reason. You are not giving up on your partner. As I said, giving up sex will always be painful, but it’s nice to feel the difference.
If your partner looks discouraged, you can even make the difference clearly. Say, “I am giving up sex right now, but I will not give up on you.” You can also frame it in terms of your ability to be present for your partner. Try something like, “I would love to chat with you right now, but I feel dizzy after this bad review at work and I know I can’t stay put.” I don’t want you to feel like you’re trying to have sex with someone who’s not around. ”
Set your partner up for success
If you get in the habit of giving specific reasons why you are not interested in sex, you may begin to notice patterns. Share this understanding with your partner. Say something like, “I’ve noticed that I’m much more open to sex when we just get up on weekends in the morning.” Or: “I realized that energy plays a big role for me. By the time we got to the end of the night, I was too tired for sex. But if you start with me when we just get home from work, then I’m not so tired and maybe I’ll be more cheerful. ”
Eliminating imbalance
In almost all respects, one partner has a stronger sex drive than the other. This partner usually does most of the initiation. It can be really helpful for the two of you to acknowledge this imbalance. Say something like, “I understand that you usually initiate. I think it can be quite difficult for you. ” This simple sentence can go a long way.
If you don’t tend to act very often, try challenging yourself to act more often. Being rejected gives you more empathy for what it feels like.
There is no escape from this: it is hard work. The sex principle has a way of rekindling our oldest and deepest fears and vulnerabilities and exacerbating even minor incongruities in sex drive. You may not always be able to get it right, but the point is to keep trying. This is the effort that truly defines the relationship.