What to Say Instead of “you Are a Fighter” When Someone Is Very Sick
This is what we usually do when we hear terrible news that people we know or admire have cancer or other difficult diagnoses. We transform them into brave warriors, ready to fight and conquer the forces of an evil disease. They suddenly become heroes. Fighters. For them, this may seem strange, because quite recently they were ordinary people, sometimes brave, sometimes scared to death, trying to navigate the vicissitudes of life, like everyone else.
Upon hearing of the news that John McCain had an aggressive type of brain cancer , the Senator received a flood of good wishes from past and current American leaders, and it all sounded a little like a foot soldier’s parting chit-chat. Barack Obama tweeted : “John McCain is an American hero and one of the bravest fighters I have ever known. Cancer does not know with what to confront him. Come on, John. ” In a White House message, President Donald Trump said, “Senator John McCain has always been a fighter.” Mike Pence wrote : “Cancer chose the wrong guy. John McCain is a fighter and he will win this fight too. ” Gabrielle Giffords let out a rallying cry : “You’re cool! You can beat this. Fight, fight, fight! “
In a sense, the wave of support felt unified, at least at this point in this case – John, the world is behind you and is sending you strength. But for some cancer patients and their families, military metaphors seemed problematic and out of place. In an author’s article for The Independent, Anthony Wilson disagreed with the description of cancer as a “battle”, believing that this type of language places the responsibility for recovery on the patient and perpetuates the myth that only those who “fight” survive. If a person dies, does this mean that he has lost? In addition, it gives the patient additional mental losses in addition to physical losses over which he has no control. “I can say that after a day on a chemotherapy IV drip, you feel like the battle is with you, not that you choose to fight it yourself,” Wilson shared on his blog .
As Josh Friedman wrote in an article for Time : “Fortitude and courage are central to our cultural business. But this is not how we survive after cancer. We survive cancer through luck, science, early detection and real health insurance. ”
Kelsey Crowe, empathetic scientist and founder of Help Each Other , says we need to find other ways to talk about advanced cancer and other diseases – and yes, we need to talk about it. Crowe is the co-author of No Good Map for That: What to Say and Do When Life is Scary, Horrible, and Unfair to the People You Love . Here’s what she thinks would be helpful to say when you just don’t have the right words.
“I’m so sorry that this happened to you.”
Crowe says, “I’m sorry this happened to you” – a more impressive statement than “I’m sorry.” She explains, “When you say simply, ‘I’m sorry,’ it seems like you’re saying, ‘I’m sorry your whole life.’ This might be a bit of a shame. But, having rooted it in the words “I am very sorry that this happened to you”, you do not assume that you know what the person thinks about it, and do not offer to regret their existence. “
Those who are going through something truly dire may think that people want to avoid them as if they are contagious. When you say that you regret this tragedy, it separates their personality from the tragedy, and they can be themselves again. The person might say, “Thank you, that sucks,” and then talk to you about it.
“How are you doing?”
In the book, Crowe and co-author Emily McDowell write that people often act on the assumption that they need to find the exact right words, but in reality it’s all about listening.
Crowe says, “You could say, ‘I heard the news. It must be tough. How are you doing?’ and then let that person tell you if it’s difficult or not. “
Some people really want to be “fighters”
Crowe told me that a lot of people don’t appreciate the word “fight”, but some do. We must pay attention to their language. “Sometimes people really need a sense of determination, something to support them to get out of bed, and this metaphor of struggle can do that,” she says. “Even Quakers who don’t resort to violence, pacifists have their own line in sporting events, and it says: ‘Fight! Fight! Inner Light! Kill, Quakers, kill! It can mobilize people. It is a call to survive another day. Therefore, I would not give up this language if the person is still using it. “
She adds that if you talk to this person regularly, you can speak your own language about the illness. “You can easily ask how someone wants to talk about it,” she says. “You might say, ‘Some people don’t seem to like the word’ fight ‘. What word do you want me to use? You can always ask. “