How to Talk About Sex With Older Children
A few weeks ago, I shared tips on how to talk to young children about sex . I came back today to share some advice on interacting with older children.
“Conversation” is a misnomer because you have to talk about sex with your children throughout their lives. If you’ve laid a good foundation, it will be a little easier for you to move into adolescence. But even if you’ve never talked to your child about sex before, ten years and adolescence is the right time to start.
Take the lead
When children are younger, they will naturally ask questions out of curiosity. As they reach their teens and teens, they are more likely to be shy about sex. They won’t want to talk about it so easily, especially with their parents. You should initiate these conversations on a regular basis, because if you wait for your teenager to bring this up, it just won’t happen. They may also accidentally receive a message that sex is a forbidden topic.
Last time I shared my story about my mom’s attempt to have The Talk with me. She just told me that I can ask questions if I have them. I have a few questions, but I was also too immature to know what questions I should ask. I didn’t know what to ask about how to have sex safely or what to do if my partner forced me to have sex before I was ready. It is not enough to answer questions; you also need to actively provide information to your child. Here’s a great article on the range of questions high school students have thrown into the anonymous question block in sexuality education classes.
Prepare them for puberty
When your child is about 9 or 10 years old, start talking to him about puberty. Let the child know that their body is going through some changes and that these changes are completely normal. Tell them to expect spikes in growth, body reshaping, more body hair, hair in new areas (such as underarms and genitals), acne, mood swings, and general feelings of awkwardness. Boys should be warned about facial hair, voice changes and emissions. Girls need to be taught about breasts, hips, and menstruation (we’ll get to that). Tell them that their friends will experience the same changes, but at different times. Let them know that everyone thinks they are on the “wrong” schedule.
It’s especially important to make sure young girls are alerted to menstruation so they don’t wake up in the middle of the night at a sleepover in their first period and think they’re dying (hmm … thanks Mom and Dad). Explain to your daughter what menstruation is, give her pads and show her how to use them.
Give them safety information
At about age 12, start a conversation about sexual safety. Your baby needs accurate information about pregnancy and STI prevention. If you’re a little tired of the details yourself, Planned Parenthood is a great resource for a reminder.
Many parents are afraid to talk to their children about safer sex because they fear it will increase the likelihood of their child becoming sexually active. This is simply not true and it completely misses the point. Whether you like it or not, your child is the one who decides when he wants to have sex. You want them to be safe when the time is right.
Consent should also be part of the safety conversation. You can talk about consent with children of any age. Tell them that consent means allowing another person to touch your body and giving permission in return. Make sure your child understands that he should only do what he genuinely wants to do and that he should make sure that his partners are also in the know. I love the idea of ”enthusiastic consent”. This means that you are not just okay with something happening; you are actively in awe of it. It is an easy concept for children to understand and extremely important.
Practice healthy decision making
Teens are old enough to focus on their decision-making skills. If you can help your child learn to make the right decisions about their sex life — for example, when to have sex, why to have sex, and how to discuss those decisions with your partners — you are making them a truly invaluable gift.
There are many ways to naturally encourage your child to think about decisions. For example, if there is a sex scene in a movie or TV show you’re watching with your child, pause and say something like, “Why do you think this character made this decision? Do you think this is the right decision? What would you do in this situation? “If you see news of a teacher having sex with a student, ask your child,” What do you think it would be like for you if your teacher sexually promoted? How would you answer? “If you disagree with their answer, try asking a few simple questions, such as” What other options do you think you have? ” Your child may shrug off some of these questions by making an objection like, “Wow, stop! This is so embarrassing! “But say something like,” I’m curious to know what you think. ” If you ask your child’s opinion, it turns into a conversation, not a lecture, and shows your child that you trust him and start making decisions on his own.
Media talk
Your child is experiencing more sex than you think. Sex is everywhere – TV, movies, advertising, the Internet and, of course, porn. Researchers at the University of New Hampshire Crimes Against Children Research Center found that 42% of children between the ages of 10 and 17 have seen porn in the past 12 months. Luckily, the media will also provide you with a variety of natural conversations about topics such as body image, gender stereotypes, photoshop, healthy relationships, and sex myths. If you see an overly sexualized advertisement on a billboard when you take your child to soccer practice, say something like, “Do you see this advertisement there? What do you think of what this woman looks like? “Or just share the UNH stats with your kid and say, ‘You’re going to watch porn if you haven’t already. I want to make sure you understand that porn is supposed to be adult entertainment and that sex in the real world is not at all like for sex in porn “.
Emphasize diversity
It is also important to talk to your child about diversity. Help your child understand that not all are cis and straight. If you see a gay couple walking down the street, start talking about sexual orientation. You might say something like, “You know being gay is perfectly normal and great, right?” If you come across a news article about transgender toilet laws, ask your child if they know what trans means. Tell them that not every person identifies with the gender they were born with.
Refer them to other resources
Children don’t always want to talk to their parents, especially when it comes to difficult topics like sex. It’s important for you to keep making these efforts, but you can also make sure your child knows they have other resources to turn to. Buy them more books. Tell them they can talk to a trusted family friend or relative, or arrange with your family doctor. The Harvard Graduate School of Education has published this extensive list of sex education resources for parents and children. I especially love Scarleteen , a gay- friendly, inclusive website that covers everything from body image to sexual politics.
Admit your mistakes
Your conversations about sex don’t always go well. When it comes to sex, we all have problems, and having a baby doesn’t automatically cure those problems. If you are nervous and say something that you didn’t intend to talk about, come back later and tell your child, “I’m sorry that I was so embarrassed when you asked me this question earlier. I try to learn to speak better about sex. I want to make sure you know that it was perfectly okay to ask this question. ” You can also say something like, “I grew up being very shy about sex. I have worked to make the relationship with sex healthier and I want you to feel more comfortable than I do. ”
Admitting mistakes in conversation and sexual struggles can be a tremendous learning experience for your child. It is also an opportunity to learn and grow.