When to Define Relationships and Get Out of Dating Purgatory
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .
This week we have a man who is in a relationship but also not. Embarrassed? He too!
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
Hello Sir Patrick Allan,
This girl here. We have been friends for a long time. We talk every day. We go to dinners, to the movies, holding hands, kissing, etc. – whatever you would expect from a typical relationship. The point is that we have no official name. She doesn’t need an “official label” and for the most part I agree. We both went through the troubles that “formal” relationships have. Leaving titles behind allows us to enjoy the good aspects of the relationship, not the bad – ideally. After about six and a half years of what she and her friend call “flirting,” something has to give.
We’ve been arguing a LOT lately. And it’s always about the same shit. I have a history of alcoholism, drugs and debauchery – all before meeting this girl, of course – and I have two DUIs on my track record. It’s not a good past, especially for a girl like that. She is a good girl. In high school, she carried loads of books and studied while I whistled to a hot teacher or put Icy Hot on the toilet seat. But I’ve come a long way, and I thank her for most of it. I don’t drink, smoke, or look at pretty women anymore. I recently graduated from college, got a decent job and live on my own. However, despite the changes, we cannot stop arguing. She has a lot of boyfriend friends, and every time she tells me she’s going to have dinner with a “friend,” I spew something nasty like “Where are you guys going?” or “Is this someone I know?” Then she will become defensive and angry. I don’t think she does anyone else, and one of our rules is to let the other person know if we ever do that, but she didn’t say. However, when we fight, she will use it against me, saying something like, “If there is someone else, you cannot say anything because we have no title and you lied to me and hid things. ..etc.”
We got into a similar argument again. I was buying a new car and it took about six hours to sell, so I didn’t call her when I said I would call her back. She got very angry and didn’t talk to me all day while she was with her friends. It didn’t suit me, so I sent some angry messages and then went out with my old friends who I drank and smoked with. But I didn’t drink. I have not smoked. In fact, I was the designated driver. I missed her and couldn’t stop thinking about it BUT I didn’t do anything stupid. We talked that night and I told her that I was out with the boys and I felt miserable. She was so angry with me, berating me for meeting people with whom I had problems in the past. This altercation brought up a bunch of shitty things that didn’t seem to be resolved between us – like how I lied to her about smoking when I was about to quit.
I can tell that she is unhappy. I do not know what to do. I’m trying to get better and I think I’m making progress. She needs to understand that I love her and that my old way of life does not exist when she is around. Is she afraid that I will return after I left that night? I just needed someone around me when I felt like she dumped me. The last fight, she said, if we fight again over this, she will forever leave what we have. Need expert advice from a specialist. Reading your advice articles leads me on a quest for your impressive greatness (my first time).
Thank you for everything, sincerely,
Lost and confused
Hey lost and confused:
Hey hey hey hey! Wait … I love this Sir Patrick Allan thing that you are going to do here. Fantasy. Anyway, enough about me, let’s get this straight. * turns the chair *
You two decided to avoid “official labels” in order to make your life easier, but I think it actually complicates the task. You both have one leg and one other, and this will always be a problem, especially when you have disagreements. The moment something bad happens, you get easily: “Well, we have no relationship, so you can’t say blah blah blah …” It’s like playing a game with someone, and once they start losing, they decide they never played.
Do not misunderstand me. I’m not saying that the label itself is that important. You don’t have to announce to the world that you are a “waitress and friend,” or even decide who you are. And I’m not saying that the two of you need to be monogamous , or get married, or do what smug people think is morally sensible. I am saying that both of you should define your relationship in a way that makes both of you comfortable. What’s okay? What is not? What worries each of you? That weird “we’re in a relationship, but we’re not” will only complicate matters further because neither of you has outlined what you want, and it’s clear that you’re not entirely comfortable with your location. In addition, her perspective on this “flirting” may be very different from yours. Maybe you like it more than she?
So what do you want? Looks like both of you are far from fucking buddies, so talk about it! If you both want different things or are not willing to compromise on these issues, this relationship will never get easier. You say your goal is to enjoy a good relationship without a bad one, but that’s not how it works. You won’t get good without bad. Quite frankly, your situation seems much more “vile” than “official” relations. There is no trust, compassion and understanding.
But there is another problem here, which I think is no less great than your amorphous blob of relationship: it does not let go of your past . Lost n Confused, you are making progress towards becoming a better person. You got sober, graduated, got a good job, and bought your first brand new car! I mean, I don’t know who you are, but on paper it seems like you changed everything and held on to it. It’s not okay for her to dig into the past every time you guys have a fight. Yes, you did it, but you worked hard to change. She needs to let you be this new, better version of herself. However, you cannot blame her for bothering you when you gather in the wrong crowd. And if your behavior begins to resemble your old doggy, drug-addicted manner, this is an excuse for her to say something too. But using your past as a weapon against you every time you two disagree is not cool at all.
It looks like you care about this girl, Lost-n-Confused, but it’s important that you know that she’s not the only thing keeping you in check. You have made these changes and you can continue to walk on the straight and narrow road without it. Who knows? Maybe there is someone else who will appreciate your trip a little more. But before you make any decisions, sit down with this girl and appreciate what you have here. Take it seriously and throw your hat into the ring. It’s time to put up or shut up.
Quickies
Because I just have neither the time nor the patience for all of you …
The ideal husband asks:
I love my wife, although not very beautiful, but I love you. I cannot and cannot imagine myself as me … the king of another more beautiful woman. Every time we do l …. E, she’s just the best, she just hums. You can’t see that I’m like that other guys.
HM? Ok, so I left this unedited – not only for your pleasure, but mainly because I have no idea what Perfect Husband is saying. Let’s break it down line by line. Like this:
I love my wife, although not very beautiful, but I love you.
You love your wife, but she is not very pretty. It’s clear. But you love me … I’m flattered, but no thanks.
I cannot and cannot imagine how I fuck with another, more beautiful lady.
You have no idea that you are having sex with another “more attractive” woman while you are with your wife. In fact, you cannot. Ok, so far it sounds fine. You must really love her and find her attractive, even if she is not considered beautiful by other people’s standards.
Every time we do l …. E, she’s just the best, she just hums.
Every time you make love, it shakes your world. She just hums … which I think is okay? Sounds positive. Unless you mean real buzzing. It could be distracting. Maybe play some loud music while knocking?
You can’t see that I’m like that other guys.
I am assuming that you mean “lady” and not “guy” here, because this is a very different situation. Basically, you are asking me why you are not attracted to other women who are not your wife? I don’t see a problem here, PH. I think you love your wife and fell into family happiness. Sounds awful.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and foggy inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with #ToughLove ! “Until next time, figure it out yourself.