Charmin Tried to Make Me Poop in the Van
The cool thing about working in Manhattan near Union Square is the endless cavalcade of branded vans offering free merchandise. Cheerful young party organizers hand out tacos, candy or tampons. Today they almost made me poop in the van.
Charmin is currently promoting two of its flagship toilet papers (soft and durable) through Van-GO, a mobile on-demand bathroom in midtown Manhattan. This is a two-day promotion, but according to the van staff, this is a trial run for longer service.
The mobile ordering process is a little awkward. It took the van half an hour to arrive, negating any advantage of being on duty. The van’s geographic tracking lingered on the mobile map, throwing me three blocks before I found the van right around the corner. Luckily, the staff helped us by texting:
When I couldn’t find the van on Park Avenue, I was relieved. I texted 800 to cover my ass, came up with the headline “Charmin lied to me,” and headed home. When they answered, I was terrified. There were too many pronouns in these messages. When I approached the van, my body contracted, which was completely inadequate for the intended purpose of the van.
We are not the first to know the history of Van-GO; Mashable’s Brett Williams arranged for a preliminary tour and brought his in-house photographer with him. He implies that he actually pooped in the van. I hope he didn’t; only a sociopath could poop in a van.
Not because of the amenities themselves! Van-GO is one of the most beautiful public bathrooms in Manhattan. Its interior is pleasantly furnished, illuminated and equipped with fixtures. Like many public toilets, it has music. Unlike many publictoilets , this music is69 Boyz’s Tootsee Roll .
The staff were friendly, welcoming and attentive. It was terrible. If you have ever talked, say, in an expensive hotel or restaurant with an orderly, then you feel some sense of my discomfort. The bathroom is meant to be a quiet place where we perform functions that Western society has agreed to rarely and quietly discuss.
This social contract runs counter to Charmin’s business goals. Unlike Coca-Cola, Charmin can’t market its brand to its competitors without clearing its throat and acknowledging its culture aversion. The brand has taken advantage of this. Phrases used during Van-GO brand activation include “time to go”, “hold on tight” and “number two.” They do not include “poop”, “bowel movement” or “shit”. Charmin does not interfere with culture; they simply nudge the Overton window in a favorable direction.
Rather than highlighting its competitive advantages (or disadvantages; I’m personally from Cottonell), Charmin takes a paradoxical approach to selection , offering two color-coded toilet paper options: Ultra Strong and Ultra Soft.
I tried to poop in this bathroom. I took a look at the provided magazine. I waited a minute.
It was impossible; while it was the perfect bathroom on the inside, half a dozen people outside were waiting for me to finish. I’m glad for me. Cheers for me. From where I sat, I could intuitively sense their movements as they blocked the sunlight through the crack in the door.
I gave up and did a test run. Both rolls of toilet paper were folded neatly at the ends, like in a hotel room. I chose Ultra Strong, leaving Ultra Soft intact and folded, thus conveying information to the van operators. I deeply regret this oversight.
I washed my face, washed my glasses in the sink, which, impressively, was not even activated by movement. I got out of the van to applause. It was still awful.
The staff gave me a gift bag. They said goodbye to me as if I were boarding a ship to the New World. They hoped I had a “pleasant experience.” Their job was to get maximum attention. They also tended to this.
I cannot recommend this experience from a practical point of view. I can recommend this as a reminder of the privacy we take for granted and the importance of protecting that privacy. In this regard, I would like to thank Charmin and Procter & Gamble for their promise not to store user phone numbers for future communication. Some boundaries cannot be pushed back.
Black star Anthony Anderson is reportedly attending some of Charmin Van-GO’s presentations . I have not seen him at home.