How to Start Dating When You’re Middle-Aged, Late Blooming
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.
This week we have a man in his 40s who has never been in a serious relationship, a woman who struggles with her loneliness in a country she’s not from, and a mother who wants to support her grown son without paying him to it.
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
This inexperienced guy wants a serious relationship.
Hello Mr. Allan,
I am about 40 years old and have never seriously met. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I really don’t know how to do it.
I had a difficult childhood for various reasons, mostly I was very awkward and weird, so other kids ostracized me and I never had any close friends. I never really learned how to date when I was young like everyone else and just didn’t know what to do, especially when things get intimate. In fact, I rarely meet many women, but I am not very lucky when I try online or when I am not.
How can I gain experience and learn to do what I should have learned as a teenager and start dating as an adult?
Sincerely,
Late blooming
Hello late blooming:
Stop treating yourself like weirdos. If you are ashamed of yourself as a lonely freak who missed the boat, this is the energy you will give to others. Stop! Previously, you did not feel an irresistible attraction to romance, but now you do. That’s all. You don’t need experience to get it.
Don’t let the echoes of those shitty kids color your self-image. Everyone was mocked at something in childhood. Also, as a side note, not everyone learns to date when young or adolescent. The media and pop culture just give the impression that it is. There are many people like you who went about their business and did not seek love until very late.
But you must own it , Bloomer. You must come to terms with your inexperience. You don’t have to tell every woman that you’re new to this, but you don’t need to hide it either. If someone is put off by your inexperience, fuck you. You need people who want to date you, not your past.
Now that you have the right mindset, make yourself worthy to date. You need to hone in on some of the qualities that make being with you worthwhile. You don’t have to fantasize: you’d be surprised how far you can be confident, carefree and hygienic, dude. Basically, your inexperience doesn’t matter as long as you can bring other things to the table – be it a sense of humor, a beautiful body, or a cute dog. Oh, and put on a nice shirt.
This woman is lonely and in love with a celebrity.
Hey,
I am 34 years old and live in rural Colombia. I speak Spanish, English and French. I am Canadian, weird and amazing. The problem is that everyone around me is completely uneducated. In addition, everyone here was married by the age of 17 and have children. They want to have a relationship with me, but they all lie about their spouse (claiming that they do not have one or that they are separated). I contacted a couple of them only to have their wives show up at my house in the middle of the night, screaming that I was a home destroyer.
So I’m lonely as hell.
I am currently struggling with being in love with Jason Silva, whom I know I will never meet and who I have no chance of a future with. I am aware of WHY I am doing this and the fact that I am doing this, but it is so nice to just have someone, even if he is imaginary and unaware of my existence.
So what advice?
It would be great if this was advice on how to get to know Jason Silva, but I expect you to find yourself lame and advise me to move out of my tiny community more to meet people.
Sincerely,
SilvaFan34
Hi SilvaFan34:
You’re right, I’ll be lame. But I will also tell you to stop sleeping with people’s husbands if that is causing you problems. Let’s say everyone is married there, as you said .
Anyway, about your affection for Jason Silva (I had to google this guy), there is nothing wrong with falling in love. You look like Tom Hanks from Les Miserables, trapped on a lonely island of social isolation, and Silva is your Wilson. I imagine you pause your Brain Games episodes and kiss the screen. It’s weird, but hey, that’s how he talks to a volleyball. We all need a way to cope with problems during difficult times.
However, this obsession of yours is not doing you any good. I don’t know why you’re in rural Colombia, but obviously you don’t like it there anymore. If you want more than friendship, SilvaFan, you need to go somewhere else.
Jason Silva lives in New York (sorry Jason). Go there and look for him or at least someone like him.
This mother wants the best for her grown son
We have an adult son with a bachelor’s degree in theater and he wants to become a writer. He has anxiety, depression and OCD.
After graduating from high school, he wanted to leave our red state, so he moved to Oregon. He was only able to get a job at Pizza Hut, but was able to find a good consultant and made progress in solving his mental health problems. He writes something again.
He was absent three years ago. He wants a better job, but until recently he was too preoccupied to try. We will be arriving in July and would like to know how best to help him if we can. We are paying some of his small bills, but we would like to discontinue this in the future. He was very grateful. Should we try to have a family meeting with a counselor? What else would be most helpful?
Sincerely,
Mother bird
I think your son is doing a good job given his predicament. He has a degree, he has a job, he meets with a consultant and returns to writing again. It’s time for him to leave the nest.
At this moment in his life, you need to say: “Hey, son, we are proud of you and support you, but the time has come to pay for all this yourself.” I’m sure it’s tricky to deal with training wheels because you know he struggles with things, but he has to learn to balance on two wheels on his own. You won’t always be there to nudge him and knock lovingly on his helmet.
Show him your love and support. It’s all. You don’t owe him anything else. Tell him what you want. He is at a stage in his life where he will feel lost, lonely and afraid no matter what, but there is nothing you can do to stop it. Your job is to guide him, remind him that you are there, and tell him that it’s okay to be afraid, and that you, too, once were afraid.
Time to push him out of the nest, Mother Bird. He’ll be fine. How do I know this? Because I am an adult son with a bachelor’s degree in theater who tackles my own mental problems and still became a writer .
Quickies
Because I have neither the time nor the patience for all of you …
Ironfist asks :
Two years ago, I was charged with domestic violence for knocking a hole in the wall during an argument with my then girlfriend. (In Ohio, this counts as stabbing another person.) I am one semester before completing my bachelor’s degree in computer science and planned to get my bachelor’s degree. However, I think no company is going to hire me, so why build up debt? What should I do?
Being accused of domestic violence will make it harder for you, but that doesn’t mean there are NO companies to hire you. Resources such as the National Recruitment Network and the Federal Bond Program can help. In addition, your criminal records may be cleared at some point, so I’ll take care of that too.
In the meantime, you better continue your studies and show how you change your life for the better. If you can show that you’ve made a difference after being accused by earning an advanced degree and possibly taking a few lessons on anger management (additional if you’ve already taken some of them), employers may be more willing to ignore your background.
However, this should be a warning to everyone else . These things are haunting you everywhere – so think twice before letting your anger take over and throwing yourself as a super villain against the drywall.
The Nice Guy Employee asks:
Hi, Patrick,
The team that I work with for my work consists of two people, including me. We recently had a third, but he retired along with a lot of senior management and the president. I want to leave this position and I doubt it very much because the workload is too much for one person.
How can I leave the position without burning the bridge here?
Thank you,
Burning the bridge? No, they built a shitty bridge and that’s their problem. It’s not personal; this is how business works.
If you really want to be as helpful as possible, give them as much time as possible. Maybe you give them four instead of a two week notice. But it’s not your fault that things are going the way they are, and you don’t owe this company anything. If you want to leave, leave.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). “Until next time, figure it out yourself.