Tough Love: Stale Sandwiches, Expectation of Affection and a Way Out
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.
This week we have kids who don’t like sandwiches for some reason, a teenager who doesn’t know how to ask girls out on dates, and a young professional who wants to write and is unhappy with his current circumstances.
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
This father’s picky kids are bored with sandwiches.
Dear Patrick,
My kids are fed up with sandwiches for lunch. School lunches are terrible so they don’t eat most of them. I am trying to come up with several alternatives that will give them nourishment and satisfaction. Any ideas are appreciated as many of my ideas turn out to be too time consuming or too expensive.
Your biggest fan, by volume,
Hello reverend,
I am not a parent, but the fact that you are not even in a rush to do this is a serious exercise of patience in my book. I mean, if I were you, I would tell my children exactly what I was told: “You can either eat what we give you, or you cannot eat.”
I didn’t even get the chance to eat a cold lunch, and happily ate my school rectangular plastic pizza almost every day. I drank warm milk that was nearly expired, chewed on the unnaturally sweetened gelatinous desserts that had that strange tough outer shell, and enjoyed the days of beef and cheddar because melted nacho cheese suppressed the taste of old roast beef just enough to make it a passable meal. And to top it all off, I worked in the school cafeteria kitchen to cover the cost of my questionable lunch.
Plus, there are so many great sandwiches out there that I don’t understand how they can get sick. They’re cheap, simple, pretty nutritious most of the time, and I think your kids should just eat these damn things. Honestly, if they’re old enough to complain, they’re old enough to cook their own meals! Not every meal is a buffet of your tastiest desires. Sometimes food is just fuel, so you can learn shit.
This inexperienced teenager doesn’t know where to start dating
Hi, Patrick,
I am 19 years old, and I am annoyed by the lack of intimacy with girls. I’ve had some physical experience, but nothing consistent. Now I am studying at the university, I am in pretty good shape and I have a normal social life. I was also told that I look good by someone who is not my mother, so I think I look normal and I am putting in some effort. Now I regularly meet new girls from around the university and I have no problem talking to any of them, but I really struggle to connect with them. I just don’t feel like they’ve ever been so passionate about me or interested in being around me.
Of course, I have a theory as to why I am struggling. I am originally from Israel. I moved back and forth for a while and spent half of my life there, but now I live in Australia. It always seemed to me that Israeli girls are much more direct and easier to communicate with. I found that when an Israeli liked me, she always put in the effort and made it really obvious. Are Australians just more timid? Or am I just not attracting them?
Also, I feel that due to lack of experience, I do not know how to succeed. I have no dating experience and all I really know is how to be successful at a party. I’ve never asked anyone out on a date before. I don’t know what the socially acceptable path is. And I find it impossible to know if a girl or one of them likes me. I have no idea how to move from the dating phase to physical things. What are you doing on a date anyway?
Sincerely,
In desperation
Hi Des,
So you’re 19 and frustrated because you’re not doing anything? Join the club, they have jackets. I’m kidding – these are not jackets, these are cute pink belts with the words “Please love me” written on them. I think I buried mine somewhere in the closet.
It sounds like you have a good chunk of important basics: you take care of yourself, you are socially active, you don’t look like a bald dog, and you are in a social position that allows you to meet new people. All the good stuff!
But here’s the problem: you expect girls to come up to you and tell you that they like you. This is ridiculous! I cannot speak specifically on behalf of Australian girls, but if they are anything like American, they are not going to do it. Sure, it happens sometimes, but they are more likely to send signals and imply that for an ignorant dude like you, it’s like throwing a coded message into the ocean that a blind guy will find hundreds of years later.
Israeli girls may have been easier to walk up to and chat with, but now you have to put in the effort – and make it obvious. You may well be attracted to girls, but you think you don’t like them because you don’t stalk them or completely ignore them in the hope that they will magically figure it out. I just picture you standing in the corner at a party, sipping a drink, muttering to yourself “none of these girls are like me,” and I feel like screaming. In fact, I just did it, but you cannot hear it because it is text. Here it helps to get my point across:
So, before we go any further, I hope that by making things happen you mean the beginning of a positive, loving relationship that may or may not lead to intimacy. Because if you mean something different, or are looking for tips on how to become one of those dastardly scavenger pickup trucks, you are wrong. But I’m guessing you’re just a cute shy guy looking for a way to deal with dates. Moving on.
Asking someone on a date is actually the easy part, my friend. You just ask if they would like to have a coffee / drink / go to an event / chat with you someday. This is totally socially acceptable. This actually leads to asking what is the real hard part. You need to learn to read people: what they say and how they move. There are many guides on how to tell when someone is flirting with you, but honestly, the best way to get a feel for it is through trial and error . Strike up a conversation with a pretty girl at one of these parties or college events and see where it all goes. If she smiles, laughs, touches your hand lightly, and is clearly enjoying your conversation, ask for her phone number or see if she might be interested in meeting someday. She may not be upset, but rejection is a reality that you will have to face. It’s not personal (even if it seems like it is), so don’t take it that way and move on. If she agrees, plan a date that gives you the opportunity to talk and socialize so you can get to know each other better.
If you feel like you can’t go through this face-to-face process, try dating apps ! The people you find on them are actively looking for dates – well, most of them – and this gives you a dedicated space to practice communicating with women and understanding whether you are interested in them or not. It’s not exactly the same as speaking in person, but every little practice helps.
As far as “going to physical things” is concerned, I feel the need to clarify something again. There is no “dating phase” and then no “physical phase”. You make it sound like there are levels you went through on your way to a sexy boss fight in a video game, or that you need to be hard around someone before they let you run freely in their garden of endless fun.
Physical things are part of dating, and it usually happens organically. I know you’re upset, man, but don’t make exercise your main goal. You will set yourself up for disappointment, even more frustration, and miss out on the thrilling bliss of truly getting to know someone. Plus, it’s sad, gross, and desperate, and women can smell despair a mile away. Allow feelings and trust to grow as you spend time together – when the time is right for both of you, you don’t have to “make things happen,” they just do it.
This young professional is buried in debt but wants to write
Hi, Patrick,
I’m unhappy. I am 26 years old, have a six-figure student debt, and currently work in a strong industry, earning a decent salary, but this is an industry I didn’t give a damn about. I have been working here for 3 years. My suffering reaches the point that I come to work and stare at my screen for about 30 minutes, because I just can’t bring myself to work.
My student debt is an important part of the problem, because it keeps me stumped: without it, I would have no problem fulfilling my dream of working as an entertainment writer, but in the current state of affairs, I need to earn the amount that I am currently doing. to keep my life functional. (Note: I’ve already cut down on extraneous things in life; I live with my parents and don’t do too much to save as much money as possible.)
I got to the point where I feel that life is not worth living because what is the use of a life in which you cannot do anything because spending money is not on the table, you hate your job and you hate your home life because that you stayed with your parents to save money?
I don’t want to feel this way anymore: I want to be happy, or at least content, so I think it’s best to start with a new job. The problem is that I came into my current industry mostly after college and now I feel like I can’t do anything other than what I am doing now.
I’ve searched for opportunities on job boards and LinkedIn but to no avail. Even working as an assistant requires previous experience, and, again, I need to be sure that the work will be paid no less than I earn now …
What can I do to change my condition? I’m open to just about any career in entertainment, not just a writer, but it’s damn near impossible to get in the door (I live in Los Angeles). Should I, given the circumstances, accept my suffering for the sake of a paycheck and stay put? Should I accept an unpaid / minimum wage job in the hope that salary will increase over time as an investment in my own happiness (but at risk to my credit history and overall financial situation)?
Best,
Pathetic TV addict
Hello junkie,
Life is worth living. In truth, that’s all he’s really good at. However, if you are actually having suicidal thoughts and not just hyperbole, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Do it for me, do it for your family, do it for your friends, do it for yourself. I do not ask, I speak.
So: you’re in a lot of debt and you’re stuck at home, but you also have a decent job that pays well for. You are already better than many of my friends! You may not like the job you do, but a good salary at your age is hard to come by and is the fastest way to pay off those pitiful student loans. Plus, the sooner you pay for them, the sooner you can explore other careers and lifestyles. It sucks now, but it won’t always suck if you’re on your guard. Don’t pursue happiness – it will backfire . And don’t change jobs on a whim, thinking that this will solve all your problems! I have studied this quite a lot, and psychologists warn against such diving and, so to speak, “stripping off the plaster.” You better try to make the most of where you are now and enrich your life in other ways. It sucks, but you can stand it, trust me. Many people have done this.
Plus, living with your parents can kill you a little, but it’s also an opportunity to spend more time with them while you have them. Later on, you’ll probably be grateful for every extra second you have, even if it meant you had less social life. You might want to thank your lucky stars who want to let you stay with them too. Change your point of view a little, Addict, and you will realize that things are not so bad.
And you don’t have to just sit around, cry in a blanket, rot in your room at home. During this time, you can do a lot – for example, write! Do you want to be a screenwriter (I suppose)? Then start writing! You don’t become a screenwriter by wanting to be one . Get a free screenwriting program like Celtx or WriterDuet , find a good book on screenwriting rule and formatting , and concentrate all those emotions into some top-notch drama! By the time you pay off your student loans, you may have a good portfolio of feature film scripts, TV pilots, and spec scripts that might just lead you to the scriptwriter’s room.
If you’re wondering why this is your best course of action, here’s some hard, quick truth. First, you need to know that you still have plenty of time to get into the entertainment industry, especially as a writer. I have a few friends who work in television and film (no, I will not put you in touch with them), and I have also talked to many writers or heard from them on panels about how they reached their position. You would be happy to hear that very few of them started out as writers, PA or something right after school. In fact, most of the people in the “business” I know got into it gradually and didn’t even study film in college. So, no matter what you do now, it is quite possible in the future. This is good news.
The bad news is that there are really only two ways to go into entertainment. On the other hand, as I mentioned, in your case, you probably need to know a thing or two. THIS IS REALLY EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT. Or start from the bottom up and crawl up, which will definitely not provide the repayment required to resolve these loans. Not even close. DO NOT DO THIS, at least until these loans are paid off.
So how do you meet people in business who can help? Look for writing groups, events, or festivals dedicated to screenwriting. Join, show up, talk to people, share your essays, ask for notes, offer to take notes, chat with cool people and develop rapport with those who are ready to take you under their wing. Expect your letter to be ripped and lit in front of everyone, and expect a lot of resistance when you’re new and inexperienced. Do not give up. Buckle up, Poor TV Viewer, work on your craft, express your emotions in words and make the most of your work until you can get out of this rut.
Quickies
Because I just have neither the time nor the patience for all of you …
Hard Truter asks:
Hi, Patrick,
I want to give people serious advice, because I am a thousand times better able to solve other people’s problems than my own. I also get right to the point. I want to call this the Hard Truth. However, I don’t have a platform for someone to write me advice on, and someone already has this Lifehacker column called Tough Love that sounds similar.
Should I be worried at all? If needed, how do I get audience and content?
No, don’t worry. Next!
Mare says:
Dear Paddy,
I struggle with a crisis from the quarter to the middle of my career. I want to move from IT to maybe data science, and I have at least a crappy physics degree, but my academic life has been vaguely depressed and anxious.
Please put your ass on me and tell me that I can do whatever I want as soon as I put my shriveled brain on it …
Mare, you can do whatever you want if you put your shriveled brain into it. Expect a kick in the ass in the mail. I’m on fire! Order before!
You get 100 experience points. Level up! asks:
I live in Los Angeles. Dating is terrible, and I’m done with it. Seriously, I was on a TV show because of dating and it didn’t work out. Besides, I can never afford a house here. I want to try a new place with new experiences, where I can buy property and live a good life, I hope to meet someone special and explore my hobbies. I am not running from anything, [I am] happy with life. I just don’t want to live in Los Angeles. I work in technology, what is your advice?
Wait … you DIDN’T find true love in reality TV ?! Oh.
I also live in Los Angeles and dating here can be pretty awful ( oh, are you an acting slash model? Carry on! ), But it can also be pretty cool. I’m not sure how much worse it is compared to other cities. So I don’t know if dating is a great reason to leave, but you definitely have to do it if you want to buy a property instead of paying and paying for it.
Are you in technology? I hear Raleigh, North Carolina isn’t so bad. Neither Austin nor Dallas, Texas. Maybe even stop by Colorado Springs .
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and foggy inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). “Until next time, figure it out yourself.