Tough Love: Forget Names, Find Friends and Fall in Love
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.
This week we have a forgetful politician, someone looking for friends, and an older man who is unsure of his new relationship.
Mind you, I’m not a therapist or any other professional – I’m just a guy willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
So this person can’t remember anyone’s name
Dear Patrick,
I just can’t remember people’s names for the first time, about eight times when I meet them. I know I should take a moment to repeat their name and try to come up with something about them that stands out so that I can make this neural connection, but when I am in these social situations my adrenaline flares up and I don’t. … I ca n’t even hear the name!
It drives me crazy, and I start to get more involved in local politics, so in fact it causes serious problems. My strategy for now is to proceed by finding this person on Facebook and adding them to my network so that I can see their name more often, but that seems silly. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Forgetful Francine
Hey, you:
The reason people forget names is complex . The names you hear when you meet someone go straight into your short-term memory, but they must go into your long-term memory so you can remember them later. If you don’t make a concerted effort to move quickly from short-term to long-term, you’re screwed up.
You’re on the right track repeating their names , creating visual connections, and doing creepy things on Facebook, but if that’s not enough, it could be a much bigger problem. Either the social pressure is acting on you, as you suggest, or, more likely, you don’t hear the names because you don’t listen to them . When you date someone, you subconsciously make the interaction more about you than about them. It could be because you are nervous and too worried about how people will perceive you, or because you are too busy with your own routine about how you present yourself, or it could be because you don’t think about meeting this person will make a difference in the long run. After all, we meet a ton of people in our lives that we’ll never meet again, right? But you’ve met some of these people EIGHT TIMES …
So, it’s really not about which tricks work for you at this stage – it’s just sorting – it’s about rethinking how you meet people. This is not a memory game that aims to match names to faces. These are real people with real life experiences and stories to tell. Find a way to show more interest in everyone you meet. Only then, Francine (you know, won’t you feel more connected to me when I remember your name?), Can you establish these connections and transfer these names from short-term to long-term storage. You probably don’t know the names of these people because you don’t make the effort to get to know them.
This loner is tired of only hanging out with his dog.
Dear Patrick,
Some time ago I was scared with cancer, and I realized that I have no friends. For example, people who take me to chemotherapy or help plan my own funeral and promise me to watch the dog if I die and shit. I am in my thirties, I work from home, I am a loner and I love dogs. How can I be friends?
Sincerely,
Lonely Lassie
Hello lonely Lassie:
I have never understood why people ask this question, as if there were official methods of finding friends – as if they were simply not being told the secret details. There is no friend store, no step-by-step instructions. Think back to when you were a child. School and whatnot made it a little easier, right? But what has always led to friendship? LIKE ONE MATERIAL.
Yes, true friendship must go deeper, but in the beginning friendship is almost exclusively about having similar interests and points of view. So, you need to find people who meet these very basic requirements. Now I know, I know you want me to tell you WHERE you need to go. Fine. I’ll tell you about it, Lassie.
Do you like dogs. It’s perfect! Take your dogs somewhere. Many people love dogs too. Kill dog parks, go to pet stores, take your dogs for walks in places where other people walk their dogs. When I walk my girlfriend’s dog, I can’t get the other dog owners to leave me alone. But here’s the fun part! You must take the first step. You WILL NOT meet people who are just minding your business, hoping that someone will see you once a week when you leave the house and think, “Oh my God, they seem interesting! Hi! “Talk to people, make an effort. These weird hairy babies are being pulled, barked and pooped by icebreakers.
Do you want friends? Try to make money. The key word here is DO, Lassie. Because it takes time and effort. People are always afraid to show themselves off because they are afraid to look like a failure for lack of friends, but that doesn’t make any sense! Trying to meet people will not make you a failure. Don’t try and complain about it.
This widower doesn’t know how to approach his new relationship.
Dear Patrick,
I am 74 years old. My wife passed away last May. We’ve been married for almost 50 years. I recently met a very nice girl and we have been seeing each other regularly for several months now. It’s pretty intense.
At my age, does it make sense to even think about a new long-term relationship? If so, does it make sense to get married or just be together?
Sincerely,
Sweatin ‘It to the Oldies
Hi Sweatin ‘:
You met a lovely lady. Great! You meet regularly. Fine! And it’s intense. Fantasy! Looks like you’re doing good there. I don’t know you very well, Svatin, but life is short and your time is running out. Why should you waste one minute being unhappy? If this woman makes you happy and you want it to continue, I don’t understand what should be stopping you. You’re older, okay, but that doesn’t mean you should restrain your feelings. If you need to enter into a long-term relationship for this, then go for it, man.
Does marriage make sense to you guys? I don’t know if marriage really makes sense to start with? Again Sweatin ‘, just do what feels right. It doesn’t matter what others think. In fact, there is no rule that says you need to be married in order to love each other and be together. It is very common for couples these days to stay together and devote themselves without being married. On the other hand, marriage really does give you a reason to go on an amazing honeymoon vacation …
Quickies
Because I just have neither the time nor the patience for all of you …
Should you buy an electric lawnmower instead of a gas one? If so, what do you recommend?
Well, John, if you don’t buy a wireless – which is more expensive – it will be like vacuuming your yard. Lame. And how are you supposed to wake up an entire neighborhood on Saturday morning with a much quieter electric motor? However, electric mowers are much better now than they were when they were introduced. If your gas engine is getting old and you can find a good deal, go for it. I think it’s good for the planet, penguins or something like that. Stay wireless, though! People love Greenworks models.
I need to find a new place to live and work. Besides teaching 6 months in Thailand last year, I have been in Boston for good.
There are too many places; decide for me, please?
Scottsdale, Arizona . It’s so hot right now.
Should you buy a hot tub? I want to be hot and submerged in water every day, but I don’t get into a bath.
Jacuzzis are amazing. All my instincts tell me to say, “Yes, you waste money, fool, you can die any second.” But! I have a few questions for you … First, is there anyone in your life with whom you could use this? If not, get a bigger bath instead. Roman style. Secondly, do you have where to put it? The jacuzzis are quite large. I know this because I have sat in more than three of them. Third, are you ready to take care of this? In fact, they require a lot of maintenance, which is actually very annoying and not relaxing. And finally, do you live next to me so I can use your jacuzzi whenever I want? If not, probably not worth it, you know?
Division by zero says:
I am currently getting my bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering but cannot bring myself to study / care a lot about it. Mathematics is the main problem.
You don’t like math, huh? If you’re just getting started, you have several years of mathematics ahead of you, including linear algebra, physics, differential equations, multiple levels of calculus, and vector calculus. So what’s the real problem? You just don’t like math? Or are you just struggling with it?
If you just don’t like math but are capable of doing it, you can absorb it and be successful. After all, you still won’t be doing a bunch of complicated equations at work. If you just can’t handle your coursework, find a tutor. Maybe when you understand what you need, math will become more interesting for you. If both are both, you should probably rethink your specialization. Mathematics is important to engineering. You should know this. And in order to know this, you need to take care of it.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). “Until next time, figure it out yourself.