Five New Oreos That Should Never Touch Your Lips
Unless you completely ignore all foods – and I assume you don’t, because you’re here – you’ve probably seen the latest Oreo-flavored novelty: Sweet Sweet Peeps. I’m a big fan of weird Oreos , but even I was terribly horrified by this hot pink proposal.
These marshmallow-style monsters aren’t the only or even worst offender, below are four more cascading sandwich cookies that have no place in your stomach (or heart):
- Swedish fish: These things earned the acclaim of the first Oreo ever, really pissed me off. I couldn’t even swallow a whole cookie. The waxy, aggressive red, super-sweet, but slightly bitter filling was bad enough on its own, but when combined with the (impeccable) chocolate waffle, the effect was no different from drinking orange juice right after brushing your teeth. I suggest that you only try if you are dead inside and you need to “just feel something.” (I also feel attacked here because Nabisko took two things that I adore and turned them into a grotesque monster that just wasn’t meant for me.)
- Watermelon: Unlike Lemon Oreos, which are semi-finished products equivalent to an excellent lemon bar, these fruity cookies are too creamy to be refreshing, and the subtle melon aroma is muted and mixed with the cream. They are not aggressive like Swedish Fish cookies, rather, I hate the fact that they make me feel nothing . I am also here aesthetically insulted; the ratio of green to pink is completely wrong.
- Candy Corn: Lindy West’s review of the nefarious Candy Corn Oreo is what got me into Oreo journalism, and it still tells the truth. Her review is accurate, and I can’t think of a better way to describe the sugary, sickeningly sweet filling than the “buttery strip of clown jerky,” which is a poem for writing food. (It should be noted that I hate candy corn in its purest form, so obviously I’m not the target audience for this thing, but I don’t know of a candy corn fanatic who would also be a fan of it.)
- Peppermint: This may sound a little harsh. After all, chocolate and mint are a winning combination, how bad can they be? It offends me simply because chocolate and mint are so good. Oreo knows how to make good mint cookies because their Mint Oreo Thins is a platonic ideal. In contrast, the filling in their minty oreos has a flavor that sits somewhere between “these weird chubby mints” and “toothpaste.” There is also too much of it and it looks like pink slime.
- Peeps: Full Disclosure: I hate Peeps, so I have some bias. While they are nice to look at, the filling is covered in sand due to the crystallized sugar you find in marshmallow chickens, and after you have eaten two or three cookies, your mouth becomes covered with a bright pink film. Fortunately, they don’t actually taste like Peeps, just one note of sweetness with a sour chalky aftertaste. (They can also affect the color of your stool , which may turn off some.)
If all this talk of horrible Oreos has left you feeling discouraged, don’t be discouraged, because there are many great new items that you can enjoy. The toasted coconut, red velvet and cinnamon bun are all amazing and I suggest you grab a couple of bags if you see them.