How to Get Over a Holiday Break
Breakups suck no matter what time of year they happen, but they are especially hard during the holidays. While everyone is celebrating, you struggle with loneliness and grief. Whether you’re at the end of a breakup or getting it, here’s how to deal with the loss while on vacation.
Save your plans to see friends and family
When you’re going through a breakup, especially if you’ve been dumped, it’s natural that you want to detach and avoid people. Seeing everyone else living their most joyous lives can further exacerbate feelings of rejection. However, if you give up the relationship, it will become more difficult for you to deal with the breakup. If you had plans to see friends and family while on vacation, save those plans. As licensed psychotherapist Vanessa Marin explains, being surrounded by others who care for you is essential to healthy handling of your emotions:
It’s hard to break up right before the holidays, but it can be really enjoyable to spend time with your loved ones. This is a good reminder that there are other people out there who care about you.
Friends and family are not a substitute for romance, but they provide the stability and security you no longer get from your ex. In the long term, hanging out with other people who care about you can help you cope better than being completely alone, especially at this time of year.
Of course, you can’t just pretend there was no breakup. While you should still spend time with the people you plan to see, it’s okay if you give yourself time to think. If you need to cry in the car or spend a few hours alone with yourself, do it. If you have people you can talk to about your breakup, let them support you. Don’t try to avoid handling your emotions. Just find a balance between loneliness and environment. Self-isolation during the holidays will only exacerbate the mental pain.
Let’s be honest: your vacation will continue to be tough. No matter how much you stick to your routine, you still planned to be with someone who no longer exists. It sucks. Don’t magically expect your vacation to be a great time to be in good spirits and fun. You don’t have to overcome your feelings and be completely happy for the sake of those around you. Just don’t hide from the love that is offered to you.
Let your mutual friends spend time with both of you.
You and your ex probably have mutual friends. You can’t choose who turns on whom, but at least respect that your friends who know both of you are likely to want to support each of you individually. Give them a chance to talk to both of you and don’t put them in the middle of your breakup.
Try to have small gatherings with friends so you can squeeze in between big parties to have a good time with them. If your friends are throwing a big party and your ex is invited, talk to them about how to keep the two of you, if possible. Unfortunately, one of you may have to sit out at the party. If you do, try to find another activity with friends or loved ones that you can replace it with. December is usually a busy month, so you’ll probably find something to do other than being alone at home.
Get some space from the ex’s family
In any long-term relationship, you ultimately develop a relationship with your partner’s family. If they include you in their vacation plans, it adds even more chaos to the breakup. If you’re close to your ex’s family, you might even be tempted to keep talking to them throughout the breakup. In the long run, you can, but at least for now, keep some distance. As Marin explains:
I think that in this situation it is better to take a little time. It is important for your ex’s family to support their child during the breakup, and maintaining a close relationship with you early in the breakup can ruin everything. If you are really close with your ex’s family, send them a message saying that you value the relationship you have and would like to continue it, but that you think it’s best to step back for a little while until it settles down.
Of course, you will have to judge your situation on an individual basis. If you only see your ex’s family during the holidays, it shouldn’t be difficult for you to leave. However, if you talk to them regularly and want to continue the conversation, it may take time for all of you.
Prepare an answer for anyone who asks
Inevitably, when you see your loved ones, they ask about the breakup. You don’t have to give them the details, and you don’t have to feel obligated to tell every person you see what happened, but you must have an answer ready . If you prepare yourself for a short chat, you can save yourself a lot of awkward conversations. Just talk about the basics. “We parted, it didn’t work out.”
Marin also suggests sending an email to your family before the visit explaining the situation. By informing everyone in advance of your breakup right away, you can minimize how much is remembered during your visit:
If you don’t want to have the same conversation with each of your relatives over and over again, you can always send an email in advance. Let everyone know that your relationship is over, but you’re not ready to talk about it yet. You can say that you will contact you if and when you want to talk about it, but otherwise you would be grateful if you did not talk about it.
Finally, you must have a way to avoid the conversation if it does arise. Hopefully a simple “I don’t want to talk about this” will be enough, but some family members may be persistent. Even if you keep your explanation simple, you may come across an unreasonable barrage of “helpful” advice that is too painful. Instead, be prepared to divert attention to something else, like baking delicious cookies or what your cousins have been making this year. Of course, if you want support from your family, it’s okay if you open the floodgates. Just do it on your own terms with people you trust.
Volunteer in your local community
Holidays are the best time to volunteer with charities in your area. Food banks, gifts and shelters need tremendous support not only due to the holiday season, but also due to the cold weather outside. If you’re feeling depressed after a breakup, Marin suggests voluntarily re-connecting with others and turning those feelings into good deeds for others:
Another good tip is to give something back while on vacation. There are so many opportunities to volunteer at this time of year and give credit. Volunteering is something we should all be doing anyway, and it is something we should be doing regardless of the wellness benefits we receive. But it’s a good way to put your problems in perspective and feel more connected to your community.
Check out our previous guides on how to find a volunteer gig you really enjoy and how to donate to charity without donating money if you need help getting started. Even if you can’t find a place to volunteer, try asking your family or friends if there is anything you can do to help. Maybe your parents need help cooking, or maybe your uncle will fix his barn with his hand. Holidays are a great time to support each other. A breakup always sucks, but hopefully you can handle the wave of goodwill until you can deal with your emotions and get back on your feet.