How I Talked to My Kid About Trump
I waited until my seven-year-old son finished breakfast to break the news. “Do you remember the elections were yesterday?” I have asked. “Aha? Who won?” he said. I had to tell him: Donald Trump.
For a year we chatted about who the president was and why I thought Hillary was the best choice for the job. I persuaded him when he extrapolated these thoughts into statements like “Donald Trump is evil!” or “Everything Donald Trump says is a lie!” I consider it important not to write off people as evil. According to Politifact, only 70% of Trump’s proven statements are outright lies.
But we also talked about what a Muslim is and how Trump discriminates against Muslims, even though we should all treat people well, regardless of their religion. I shared my thoughts on why Trump’s immigration stance was wrong and why we need to accept refugees. This is not the first time I have explained what racism is and what it is today. Otherwise, he might have believed, like many adults, that racism is a historical fact that should only be discussed on Martin Luther King Day.
And so when I answered his question at breakfast, it all must have come back. He immediately wrinkled his eyes, opened his mouth and howled towards the sky.
The problem is, it’s hard to tell how upset he really is. This is the same reaction he gets when it’s time to turn off the TV at night, or when he asks for oatmeal and I make him oatmeal, but at the same time he decides that in fact he has always hated oatmeal.
We continued the discussion for a few more minutes before it was time to dress for school. During this time, I tried to explain what the election results mean to us, and gave him the opportunity to ask questions. He seemed satisfied with the answers and pretty soon began chatting about an unrelated topic. I don’t know when or if he will cry again. But if it helps, here’s how I approached this report.
What did I say
Calming someone down without increasing their fears is a fine line of behavior. These were my topics of conversation; do not hesitate to steal them.
- I will keep you safe at all times, to the best of my ability. I did not go into details about any fears; my mind was insane and we don’t have enough information yet to know exactly what damage Trump will do. But as his mother, I will always love and protect him with all my might.
- Now more than ever, it is important that all people take care of each other. I have paraphrased a point from our previous discussions of kindness and bullying: we protect others and cherish them. We are even friends with hooligans if we can. I told my child that it was his personal job to go out of his way to offer friendship to anyone with a rough day or who looks lonely.
- The president is not everyone’s boss. I reminded him that there are many other people in government who will have to accept a bad idea before it can become a problem in the real world. And we can call and write to some of these people to ask them to make the right decision.
The right topics of conversation will be different for each child. Sometimes you will realize that there is a topic that you did not discuss with your child, or that they do not understand them the way you thought. It’s hard to talk about racism, xenophobia and sexism, but we are doing wrong to our children if we pretend they don’t exist. I tried my best to speak on these topics at a level that my child could understand, but I kind of forgot to explain how our government works, besides the fact that there is a president. (“Did you know that every country has its own president?” He asked me once, apparently in shock.)
What children need to hear
Children who are old enough to understand a problem deserve to hear about it from a trusted source like you. PBS Parents recommends bringing up difficult topics before the children ask the question, because they will probably hear about it elsewhere and get worried – and won’t bother to tell you.
For kids under the age of seven, Common Sense Media News Tips emphasize that kids basically just need to know they’re safe. In order not to upset them, do not give (and do not talk about) the news non-stop. Distract them and yourself with activities like watching a movie and getting the badjibers out of them.
For older children, Common Sense Media recommends being available for conversation, but allowing the child to lead. For example, you can ask them what they heard, but don’t give the worst news if you are not sure if they will understand the information and if they can process it. For example, I stopped short of telling my son that some of the children were beginning to worry that they or their family members would be deported . If he hears this idea and wants to talk about it, I will be by his side. But he is young enough to discern facts and fears. Children this age may misunderstand bad news and conclude that they are personally in immediate danger .
As they get older, children need less help understanding what’s going on in the news, but they still find it difficult to process this knowledge in healthy ways. Common sense recommends asking teenagers what they have heard and what they think about it. At this age, they form political views, and you should listen to them before trying to intervene and correct them if you disagree. Their understanding of danger will be better than that of younger children, but may still be disproportionate.
Teachers may want to check out similar discussion questions from the New York Times, aimed at starting a conversation about what Trump’s victory means for young people and for the world.
Going back to the youngest, like my seven-year-old, try to build the conversation around the conversations you’ve had before or stories that might relate to your child. My child wondered out loud if Trump could change his mind. “It’s possible,” I said. “His heart can grow like a Grinch.”
I realized the analogy could go a little further: even though the Whos were observed grinning, they still showed their love for each other no matter what that old grin said or did. This is the best advice I could give.
Illustration by Sam Woolley .